November 17, 2010

The Road to Hell is paved with Adverbs...

"Read sometimes for the story, Bobby. Don't be like the book snobs who won't do that. Read sometimes for the words - the language. Don't be like the play-it-safers that won't do that. But when you find a book that has both a good story and good words, treasure that book."
(Stephen King, Hearts in Atlantis)

I have loved reading ever since I picked up my first book. I find it very important for people to read not only because it makes you smarter and builds up your vocabulary, but it's a great way to expand your imagination and lets you get lost in a whole other world...

When I don't want to be in my reality I grab a book and get lost in its reality. I love Stephen King more than life itself not just for the genre but what he writes makes me think. It's deep. And meaningful. And words can't explain the way I feel when I'm done reading one of his books. Plus they are usually insanely creepy which is a definite bonus. I have always loved writing stories, essays, and even personal things such as blogs... Stephen King in my opinion is an amazing writer and I admire his talent...

I have decided to make a list of books that I must read before the year ends. Just like my taste in music, my taste in books is eclectic and strange. So here goes...

1. The Tommyknockers (Stephen King)
2. The Stand - Unedited version (Stephen King)
3. Insomnia (Stephen King. My favorite)
4. Harry Potter 1-7 (J.K. Rowling)
5. Gone With the Wind (Margaret Mitchell)
6. Scarlett (Margaret Mitchell)
7. The World According to Mr. Rogers (Fred Rogers)
8. Mein Kampf (Adolf Hitler)
9. The Story of My Life (Helen Keller)
10. Dead Souls (Nikolai Gogol)
11. A Farewell to Arms (Ernest Hemingway)
12. Night (Elie Weisel. I read this at least once a year.)

I know that the year is almost over and this seems like a huge amount of books to read, but like i said, reading is important and I want to read as much as I can. If anyone is looking for a great list of books to read the best website I've found is . Well off I go. Have a lot of reading to do...

Alone. Yes, that's the key word, the most awful word in the English tongue. Murder doesn't hold a candle to it and hell is only a poor synonym...
 (Stephen King)

...Now tell me that didn't make you think

November 13, 2010

Guess we're not kids anymore... (Dear Jason)

Throughout our entire childhood we were best friends. Inseperable. Joined at the hip. You had my back ("Carolyn's a good girl") and I in turn always had yours. You taught me everything I know about life, guns, hockey, fishing, camping, all outdoor things. Hell, at one point you helped teach me how to ride a bike. I spent every waking minute possible hanging out with you. You were my world. My best friend. My partner in crime. My cousin.

Somewhere along the way everything changed. That was the day my soul broke. My heart shattered. And I forgot what life is supposed to be.

Now I don't blame you, I dont blame myself, I don't blame anyone. People grow up and grow apart. I just never thought that day would come. I know that I've talked to you about this before and you're trying and so am I, but it doesn't make the pain go away.

I wish I still had that best friend who always had my back. That best friend who I could call and talk to about anything. That shoulder to cry on when no one else would understand. I feel alone in the world with no one/where to turn to. I don't know how to fix the way that I feel and I can't go back and change anything that I've done. I can only stop myself from doing anymore damage in the future. I just don't think I can do it alone anymore.

I lost my best friend of 14yrs to dishonesty, back stabbing, and adultery with my bf. After that I lost all faith in people. I stopped trusting, believing, and caring for that matter. I don't want to be that person anymore. But I don't know how to move on.

I go through photo albums quite often and look at all the pictures of the family through the years. In the early years we were always together. So happy. Full of love and kindness and understanding. I miss those days. I will never forget those days. I know we can't go backwards, but if continuing on without you is my only option I don't think I'm strong enough.

I want you back in my life as more than just my cousin I see every now and then. Don't get me wrong I know that you're busy a lot and have your own life and so do I. But I want my best friend back. I want to be able to call you when I've had a bad day and have someone understand and be able to talk me off the ledge. I want you to be able to confide in me because more than anything I want to be there for you too when you're in need of a good venting. I just want it all back.

Well this turned into more of a letter than I was going for. Guess once I started I couldn't stop myself from letting it all out. It has taken me years to get this all out so it's been a long time coming. Just know that I love you. And I miss you. And a lot of times I need you.

We lived our lives the beginning
We were there for each other... in the beginning
We shared our thoughts, feelings, and love with each other... in the beginning

But I guess we're no longer.... the beginning

(Love, Carolyn)

November 11, 2010

Not waiting around for the storm to pass...

I posted on here saying how this blog is to be used as a way of gaining strength. Being empowered to do anything, and try and shed some light on the things that seem most negative in life. I however am not a very positive, strong, empowered individual. Well, at least not all the time.

Life has taught me that it's not always going to be full of sunshine and rainbows. There will always be obstacles you must face whether you want to or not. For this is where i draw my strength from in knowing that whether or not I feel prepared to face something head on I have no choice but to go forth and do so. With that said, there are the days where I feel as though I am nothing. I have nothing, and I will never be able to have anything.

Today has started out as one of those days. A few years ago I started dating someone who I was completely and madly in love with. He was a drug addict/alcoholic. I supported him in every way I thought possible which included going to AA meetings with him on a daily basis. I myself am not really one for drinking so my attending these meetings was purely for moral support. Or at least that's what I thought.

I have met a lot of people in my life. The diversity is astonishing, not just in race and religion, but also in class (lower,middle, upper). At these meetings I met this man who had lost everything. His house, his friends, his family, his dauther, his hope, and his will to live. He turned to the bottle and the needle to try and fill that void we all sometimes feel. It of course didn't help. This man lives under a bridge in campbell with a few other people. They sleep next to each other for maximum warmth. He doesn't ask for money, ever, and when I tried to give him some he actually paid me back the next day from money he got from the recycling center. (I in turn spent the money on getting him coffee and some chips and a pack of smokes).

But the point is this man, who has no home, no family, lost all legal ability to see his daughter, made me understand the value of life. He told me "how would you know the good days if you didn't have the bad ones." That simple sentence coming from someone who once had given up hope on life and everything else changed the way of my thinking ever since.

So yeah, today has been an incredibly shitty day. Hell, this past year has been incredibly shitty. I may not always be strong, empowered, and have a cheery disposition. But I do know that having a bad day means eventually I'll have a good one and I'll actually know for a fact that it's good.
If anyone actually reads these things that I post, I want you to know it's okay to have a shitty day/week/month/year. Because eventually you'll have that one day that will be worth having had to put up with all those shitty ones to begin with. Negativity is a part of life. But without the negative there wouldn't be a positive.

So today I'm not waiting for the storm to pass...

...I'm learning how to dance in the rain

November 3, 2010

beauty is in the eye of the driver...

My "job" combines my favorite things.. Driving and listening to music at high speeds. I am so grateful that I don't have to sit in traffic everyday on the freeway getting frustrated and dreading my entire day. I get to drive through the mountains surrounded by redwoods at 50mph everyday blasting my country music.
I think more people should take the time to take a little drive or even a hike through the forest from time to time. Nothing is more soothing and gives you a more natural high than being out in the open wilderness.
So I would like to thank the people that hired me to do such a wonderful job. Not only do I get paid with cash, but I get paid with beauty and tranquility everyday.