Numb...

I feel numb. Literally, figuratively, all "ly's". Today has been a day of ups and downs starting with my pouring an entire cup of coffee down my stomach then trying to carry ten things at once and dropping my house keys before getting the door open. Things got better for a little while, I mean, it is my day off so there has to be some good to come of today, but then they went back to shit. I don't really feel like going into all of it right now because I am still a little too pissed off and I need to calm down before expressing my feelings through the written word, but yeah... Back to the numbness. In order to try and calm myself down and collect my thoughts I decided to go on a drive. I've explained in the past how driving helps me clear my head and ultimately make me forget the bull shit and relax. Tonight I went on a drive. In 57 degree weather with all the windows rolled down driving on the freeway in a tank top and shorts. As crazy as that all sounds, it definitely helped clear my mind. But also made me completely numb. I'm going to keep this post short and sweet because as I thaw out I'm starting to feel my anger build back up and I don't need that to happen again. There are so many things on my mind I haven't had time to sort through it all. I'm going to lose it pretty soon. With that said, I will definitely be posting some more rants and raves on here in the near future. (I know I said that a while ago, but I got busy with work. Yes, I actually have a real job. Crazy madness.) To those of you who still actually read this thing, thanks for being there for me through all my insanity and I hope y'all have a fabulous night!


Sometimes you are falling so slowly...

...you don't notice until you hit the ground.

Seeing Red...

So I have been posting something every day for the past couple of days, as well as posting my month of April thingy, and everything was fine and dandy. Yesterday I attempt to get onto blogger and they say they are experiencing problems and doing maintenance, blah blah blah. Well I finally get on here (obviously) and come to find out, that somehow two of my posts have been deleted. No idea where they went or why/how they disappeared. But *poof* they be gone. And now I'm pissed. I know something this small shouldn't make me pissed, but hey, what can I say, that's just who I am. So, I will be redoing and reposting both of those when I get a chance, but if they suddenly reappear and you see two of the same thing, I apologize for the repetition. Now I must go and have a calming "woosa" moment.

hummmmmmmmmmmmmmm, hummmmmmmmmmmmmmm

As you slide down the banister of life...

...may the splinters never point in the wrong direction

Day Twenty-Two... (Better)

Something I wish I was better at (and I'm sure a lot of other people wish the same thing) is controlling my anger. If you know me at all, you know that I have serious anger issues. Not even anger as much as rage.  I get so angry sometimes that I actually black out and don't remember what just happened. I've been in a lot of fights, verbal and physical, and wish that I was better at letting things go and lowering my temper in a much more calm manner. I have been working on this for over a year now and have been doing pretty well. People used to actually use me to fight their battles for them because they knew that I had no problem with confrontation and I never back down. I won't lie, a lot of the time yelling and screaming at people (only those who deserve it) makes me feel better. Getting pissed off and screaming so loud my ear drums might pop and my heart is about to explode is a release for me. The problem with trying to let things go is that my anger continues to build up inside of me and I'm afraid one of these days I'm going to flip my lid and it ain't gonna be pretty. But like I said, I'm trying. And I will continue to try because being angry will only fuck with me and hinder my progression in life.

"Anger is never without a reason...

...but seldom with a good one."

-Benjamin Franklin

There are no words...

So many things have been going on lately that there are no words to describe all of the things I am feeling. I did something really stupid tonight (not illegal or crazy. I just have a guilt gut about the little things and my guilt gut is about to kill me) but I can't talk about it for fear that it will get out and upset the people whom I love and care about most.

Everything seems to be happening all at once. The good and the bad. My family has gone to shit. Everyone is crazy, stressed, and depressed. School is getting down to the wire of being done. I'm hanging out with one of my really good friends again, who I think I'm starting to have feelings for again which scares me. For some reason I'm still in love with the one that got away (even though he treated me like the biggest piece of shit ever).

I'm confused. I'm hurt. I'm lost. I'm speechless with no words...

Things seem to be getting better with hanging out with my friend from the past. He's a great guy. I can be myself around him with no problem. But we have such a tumultuous history that I am afraid of what might happen so I don't want to get too close. I'm tired of having my heart broken repeatedly.

Losing my family has been absolutely horrible. And mostly horrible for my mom. But I won't put up with the bull shit anymore nor do I think anyone else should have to. I don't know what I did to one person in particular, especially since I've always been there for him, but honestly, kiss my ass is how I feel at the moment.

School is coming to an end which can be a good thing because I will be graduating, FINALLY, but I am scared to finally be thrown into the real world. There are so many things I still need to do in order to follow my dreams and I'm scared that I don't have the ability to get myself to that point. I've been put down so much in my life, and hurt by so many that my self confidence is at a negative.

In regards to the dumb ass thing I did tonight, it needs to never happen again. I feel absolutely horrible because it's a disappointment to me and those that matter. I don't know why I did it and refuse to give excuses for my poor behavior.

I feel as though I'm losing myself again in this deep dark place called depression and there is nothing that scares me so much as this. I don't have the energy to pick myself back up if I happen to fall into the pit of self pity and overwhelming sadness.

I just wish I had my family and friends back like the olden days when things were easy and everyone was innocent without drama and concern about the problems of every day life. Hopefully things will turn around and get better.

My idea of a good psychiatrist is...

...a bartender who pours without a spout



(Disclaimer: Well writing this kind of helped. I think. If anyone happens to read this, please don't freak out and think it's all over. I know God only dishes out things he knows we can handle, so God must think I'm a badass, which in all honesty, I am. So here goes...)

And lastly, if anyone has a problem with anything that I said, please grow a pair and take it up with me like an adult instead of running your mouth to other people. I own everything I say and do, and don't try and hide it. So please please please, let ME know if you have issues. Thank you.