Four Months...

First off I'd like to say that April is a very important month to me. It's Sexual Assault Awareness Month. So for many obvious reasons this means a lot to me and I'd like to thank everyone out there who puts in the time an effort to help fight for the cause.

Now with that said, I posted this a few months back (actually in April) but somehow it was deleted and only that first portion was saved. I'm going to keep that first paragraph there because it is important to me that that statement remain. Instead of redoing the month of April and then making one for May, June, and July, I have decided to make a group post combining all four months into one which will help me catch back up.

So, here goes...


ACCOMPLISHMENTS APRIL-JULY 2011

• Got myself a job at Radioshack
• Sold my first 3 cell phones
• Took my car in to get fixed
• Received closure over certain issues I've been dealing with
• Made new friends and reconnected with old ones
• I'm blonde again!

GRIEVANCES APRIL - JULY 2011

• Still haven't gotten my car back
• Need to sell more cell phones and service plans
• Haven't yet squashed all bull shit with family
• Not posting enough on my blog
• Still haven't received closure from a broken friendship

PLAYLIST APRIL - JULY 2011
I have discovered so much new music in the past four months that instead of writing down each individual song I'm going to simply write down the artist.

• Trace Adkins
• Jason Aldean
• Jason Derulo
• Katy Perry
• Blake Shelton
• Kelly Rowland
• Montgomery Gentry
• Prince

BIRTHDAYS APRIL - JULY 2011

• Erica, April
• Carolyn, April (Death in May)
• Mommy, June
• Jeffrey, July
• Aunt Dawn, July
• Dad, July
• Grammy, July
• Sean, July

(If I left you out of the birthday list, I apologize, I'm trying to remember for the past four months so forgive me.)

PHOTO MEMORIES APRIL - JULY 2011

...If you don't control your temper, your temper will control you...

Reflection...

So it's been a while since I've actually posted something other than those "picture challenge" things. And there's a reason for that. I don't like feeling vulnerable. I hate it. I don't like having my guard down, letting people in and seeing the real me, and giving people the opportunity to take advantage of me. So with that said, things have been interesting lately. I feel as though nothing is going right. Of course there's the money troubles which still hasn't gone away, and then there's the issue of my new living situation, and worst of all is my thoughts that keep me trapped inside my own head day in and day out. I'm trying to take a page out of Camilla's book, (click on her name and it will take you to her blog in case you've never read it. In which you should.), and have decided to try and think positively. She makes a very valid point. If you think in the negative then you will feel in the negative and everything around you will be negative. It's funny how your thoughts and emotions control the outcome of your life.  It's been difficult lately to not think that I'm regressing instead of progressing. I've been told by multiple people that I'm definitely moving forward, but it's hard for me to see it that way. I guess it's just been a really morbid and depressing week, what with going to different cemeteries and visiting most of my dead relatives (7 of them to be exact). That will take a toll on your mind and soul. Plus driving the 10hr round trip to go to one of the cemeteries then coming home to once again become stuck inside of my own head. I'm making it my mission to not only think positively, but act positively. We'll see how this goes. Maybe I need to start blogging on a regular basis again instead of only doing those picture challenges. Which, by the way, I totally enjoy and a new one is about to start up tonight or tomorrow. I hope everyone has a great week and a very Happy Easter!

Eddie, Uncle Larry, Aunt Buddy...

God is cruel...

...sometimes he makes us live.

Day Twenty-Eight... (Guilty)

The song that makes me feel guilty is "Smack my Bitch up" by Prodigy. Okay, so that doesn't exactly sound as though it's a song that would make someone feel guilty especially considering the song is techno and in no way has any downer effects to it. My ex-boyfriend/really good friend died a few years ago. He took his life when he hanged himself in the garage at his parents house. The last time I saw him was the Halloween prior to this, when we drove around blasting Prodigy, "scaring" the little kids. We ended up getting into a fight about something trivial and didn't speak. Ever again. A few months later I went by his parents' house to say Happy Birthday and try and salvage our friendship. His mom answered the door and told me about what had happened. I couldn't believe it. To this day it's still hard to comprehend, but every Halloween, I go around blasting "Smack my Bitch up" by Prodigy not only in memory of Charles, but also to remind myself that time is fleeting and you never know what tomorrow may bring.

Smack my bitch up

Day Twenty-Four... (Funeral)

I've had this planned out for a while. You may think it's morbid, but in my family when someone dies we like to put together a compilation of songs to remember that person. I want "The Chain" by Fleetwood Mac to be playing at my funeral. I have specific instructions for how it needs to be played.  I want everyone attending to show up blasting that song out of the loudest speakers you can get for a car with the bass so loud you think there's an earthquake happening.

The Chain

"And if you don't love me now...

...you will never love me again."

Day Five... (Rememberance Song of Someone)

I have two rememberance songs. One for remembering the deaths of loved ones and the other for remembering the loss of people whom I used to love.

The first song I listen to whenever someone dies. I don't know why I listen to it, it makes me sad and depressed, but it also makes me feel better in a way, and calms me down. This song is "13 Angels" by Corrosion of Conformity.

13 Angels

One lifetime gone and now your soul is dead...

...the angels just shake their heads.

Corrosion of Conformity

The second song reminds me that in the end everything will work out and shit happens for a reason. This song is "Getting Better All the Time" by Brooks and Dunn.

My men. I cried during their entire farewell concert...

It's getting better all the time

"I think I'm gonna make it 'cause God won't make a mountain I can't climb...

...it's getting better all the time."

Brooks and Dunn

Day Four... (Sad Song)

My Boys, Montgomery and Gentry. Montgomery wrote this song about his dad and his son...

Clouds

The song that makes me the saddest is "Clouds" by Montgomery Gentry. It makes me sad in a surreal way. Every word of the song pulls at my heart strings so hard I'm scared they're going to break. The song is about loved ones looking down on you from heaven. All in all it's a wonderful song. But if you listen to it you need to have a box of tissues right next to you.

"I hate sunny days nothing but empty blue skies...

...so I pray Ohh how I pray for clouds."

Montgomery Gentry

One Wish...

I used to watch home videos all the time. It was one of my favorite things to do. Especially when I wasn't going to be seeing my family until the next holiday.

I haven't watched a home video since Aunt Buddy died. I found it up in a cabinet I was cleaning and decided to pop it into the VCR just to see exactly what it was. It's starts with the year of 1990.

My family was big on taking pictures and filming random moments and especially holidays. As I'm sitting here I can't stop crying. I'm not really a cryer, so this isn't normal behavior for me nor do I know how to deal with it well.

I know I've brought this up and mentioned it before without going in to great detail, but I miss my family so much. The dead and the living. Two days ago (March 3rd), marked the 17th anniversary of my Grandma's passing. The first one in my family (for my generation) to leave us. So my emotions may be running a little high right now or I'm simply finally giving into the pain I've been feeling for so long now. I wish things would go back to how they were. When everyone was happy and together and all you felt was love and compassion; like a real family ought to. I guess that's just too much to ask for now with all that has happened.

My birthday is coming up. 8 days and counting. I'll be 24. 17yrs ago my world was flipped upside down when my Grandma died. About another 10yrs later my Uncle was taken away from this place by a drug overdose (if that's not bad enough his body was discovered in a ditch up on Hicks Rd.) In 2004 my Uncle Larry passed. He was my best friend; but that's a story for another day. In 2005 one of my dear friends took his own life by hanging himself. He was only 19. In 2009 my Aunt Buddy died through no fault of her own. Within my (almost) 24yrs on this earth I have seen these people (plus a few more) come in and out of my life. The pain is unbearable.

On March 13th I will be 24yrs old. My one wish I'm going to make when I blow out those candles is I hope one day I will again feel that love and compassion once more and hopefully remember what being a family is all about.

It's never something you get over...

...It's just something you learn to live with.

Day Fifteen... (Before I Die)

Before I die, I want to drive a Nascar car on the biggest race track in the world. I want to feel what it's like to drive above 200mph without a care in the world. I want to know what it feels like to haul ass and feel the rush of adrenaline that you get when you're going so fast one wrong twitch can end your life. I've always wanted to drive without rules. I want to drive the wrong way on a one way street, or in reverse down the freeway, and do doughnuts on the off-ramp. This probably isn't something that a lot of people would want to do before they die, but what can I say... There's nothing I love more than hopping in my car, turning on my music as loud as it will go without blowing out the speakers, and driving anywhere.



"We are the only profession that goes looking for trouble....

...Where else can you drive the wrong way on a one-way street at 60 miles-per-hour?"

-Police on Patrol, The other side of the story by Linda Kleinschmidt

Guess we're not kids anymore... (Dear Jason)

Throughout our entire childhood we were best friends. Inseperable. Joined at the hip. You had my back ("Carolyn's a good girl") and I in turn always had yours. You taught me everything I know about life, guns, hockey, fishing, camping, all outdoor things. Hell, at one point you helped teach me how to ride a bike. I spent every waking minute possible hanging out with you. You were my world. My best friend. My partner in crime. My cousin.

Somewhere along the way everything changed. That was the day my soul broke. My heart shattered. And I forgot what life is supposed to be.

Now I don't blame you, I dont blame myself, I don't blame anyone. People grow up and grow apart. I just never thought that day would come. I know that I've talked to you about this before and you're trying and so am I, but it doesn't make the pain go away.

I wish I still had that best friend who always had my back. That best friend who I could call and talk to about anything. That shoulder to cry on when no one else would understand. I feel alone in the world with no one/where to turn to. I don't know how to fix the way that I feel and I can't go back and change anything that I've done. I can only stop myself from doing anymore damage in the future. I just don't think I can do it alone anymore.

I lost my best friend of 14yrs to dishonesty, back stabbing, and adultery with my bf. After that I lost all faith in people. I stopped trusting, believing, and caring for that matter. I don't want to be that person anymore. But I don't know how to move on.

I go through photo albums quite often and look at all the pictures of the family through the years. In the early years we were always together. So happy. Full of love and kindness and understanding. I miss those days. I will never forget those days. I know we can't go backwards, but if continuing on without you is my only option I don't think I'm strong enough.

I want you back in my life as more than just my cousin I see every now and then. Don't get me wrong I know that you're busy a lot and have your own life and so do I. But I want my best friend back. I want to be able to call you when I've had a bad day and have someone understand and be able to talk me off the ledge. I want you to be able to confide in me because more than anything I want to be there for you too when you're in need of a good venting. I just want it all back.

Well this turned into more of a letter than I was going for. Guess once I started I couldn't stop myself from letting it all out. It has taken me years to get this all out so it's been a long time coming. Just know that I love you. And I miss you. And a lot of times I need you.

We lived our lives together...in the beginning
We were there for each other... in the beginning
We shared our thoughts, feelings, and love with each other... in the beginning

But I guess we're no longer....

...in the beginning


(Love, Carolyn)

It's been a while...

 

If tears could build a stairway,
And memories a lane,
I'd walk right up to Heaven
And bring you home again.

Today marks the one year anniv. of the passing of the most wonderful woman. I don't have much to say that I haven't said already but I would like to give credit where credit is due. And on this day all the credit, love, and respect is due to this woman. Forever in our hearts, memories, and souls.

Things will never be the same but hopefully soon I will be able to smile when I think of you instead of cry. The pain is still there every day. Even though it's been a year it feels like not a day has gone by since you were taken away. I love you Aunt Buddy.

It's been a while...

...but not long enough

Happy Birthday



/

Happy Birthday
10/19/1944-10/26/2009



66yrs ago you were born. 65yrs and exactly one week later, you were 'taken away.'  I say 'taken away' because that's how it feels.
It feels like my heart has been taken away...
It feels like the meaning of life has been taken away...
It feels like you've been taken away...

I thank God everyday for the ability to remember...

...to remember you as not only an aunt, but as a person, a friend, and a loved one.
...to remmber holidays at your house, painting easter eggs, dancing around the christmas tree, eating thanksgiving food, and the infamous drunken New Years Special Olympics Hippity Hop Showdown
...but most of all the ability to remember your smile, your laugh, your smell, your kindness, your heart, and the love I feel everytime I think about you

Even though you were 'taken away', the 22 1/2 years I had with you can NEVER be 'taken away.'

Happy Birthday Aunt Buddy...

...and many more