December 12, 2010

Checking In...

So I've been AWOL for some time now, not because I have bailed or stopped caring, but because things have been CRAZY. So I'm just checking in and leaving a message stating reasons for my lack of attendance.

I have finals (which are officially over this Thursday). I'm getting ready to go to Cottonwood on Wednesday (which will be my first time going to see the grave site since I was sick and couldn't go to the funeral so it's going to be quite an emotional day for me). And I went and landed myself a new job tonight so yay me.

I'm starting to feel the pressure of emotions and thoughts building up in my head again, so I know by the end of this coming week I will be in need of writing many posts. But until then, I will continue to study, keep my hopes up for good grades, hold my head high, and wish everyone a good holiday season.

My idea of a good psychiatrist is...

...a bartender who pours without a spout

December 3, 2010

Stupid Scantrons...

Yes, it is LEGOS. I love lego's, so this image is perfect considering the police content.

Well tis the season of finals starting this week. My brain is on overdrive. I think I have consumed all the caffeine the world has to offer. And sleep is no longer an option at this point. I'm going to use the blog post as a kind of pensieve (Harry Potter reference, yes, I know) and get rid of some space that's being taken up by unnecessary things.

First off I need to make a list of the things I need to do that aren't school related:

1. Give away books to goodwill.
2. Give away clothes to the American Cancer Center.
3. Do laundry.
4. Gas up the car.
5. Watch more Golden Girls.
6. Find some socks because my feet are freezing.
7. Find the Labor Board office.

Secondly I need to write down my FINALS in order so I don't get confused:

1. Organized Crime
2. Counseling (Lifestyles)
3. Jobs in Law Enforcement
4. Guns, Firearms, Weapons

And Lastly:

1. I need to frickin' sleep.
2. Pass my finals.
3. Sleep some more.

Well I feel much better now that I have relieved myself of some of these inane thoughts. Back to studying I guess. Or maybe time to do a puzzle. I swear I have the attention span of a goldfish right now.

Well hell fire and save matches...

...fuck a duck and see what hatches

December 2, 2010

The Silence is Broken...

(In case you can't read what it says):
 "A painter paints pictures on canvas. But musicians paint their pictures on silence."
-Leopold Stokowski

So I haven't exactly been having a very great week (or two or three to be honest), but here I am, 2am, listening to some newly downloaded music, and everything seems to be coming together as though nothing were ever wrong.

I sometimes forget the power that music has to remedy almost any situation. There is music for every mood, whether it be sad, angry, or just having some good ole frickin' fun, no matter what, in the end you always feel at least a little bit better.

My taste in music is as about as eclectic as I am as a person. Crazy, random, out there, and definitely diverse. I'm all about the country, but could not live without heavy metal.

However, I would like to thank Jacks Mannequin (The Mixed Tape) for improving my mood this wonderful morning at 2am. I think people should spend more time laying in the dark listening to their favorite music and just forgetting all the hardships and negativity that is controlling their lives, and get lost in the depths of the notes and sounds coming from the speakers. Maybe it's just me, I don't know.

Well, that's all I have for now. Until next time, when my brain has too many thoughts and I must get them out before imploding. Hope whomever decides to read this enjoys and hopefully you'll break the silence wherever you are and crank up that stereo and get lost in the music.

Music expresses that which cannot be said...

...and on which it is impossible to be silent

December 1, 2010

There are no words...

So many things have been going on lately that there are no words to describe all of the things I am feeling. I did something really stupid tonight (not illegal or crazy. I just have a guilt gut about the little things and my guilt gut is about to kill me) but I can't talk about it for fear that it will get out and upset the people whom I love and care about most.

Everything seems to be happening all at once. The good and the bad. My family has gone to shit. Everyone is crazy, stressed, and depressed. School is getting down to the wire of being done. I'm hanging out with one of my really good friends again, who I think I'm starting to have feelings for again which scares me. For some reason I'm still in love with the one that got away (even though he treated me like the biggest piece of shit ever).

I'm confused. I'm hurt. I'm lost. I'm speechless with no words...

Things seem to be getting better with hanging out with my friend from the past. He's a great guy. I can be myself around him with no problem. But we have such a tumultuous history that I am afraid of what might happen so I don't want to get too close. I'm tired of having my heart broken repeatedly.

Losing my family has been absolutely horrible. And mostly horrible for my mom. But I won't put up with the bull shit anymore nor do I think anyone else should have to. I don't know what I did to one person in particular, especially since I've always been there for him, but honestly, kiss my ass is how I feel at the moment.

School is coming to an end which can be a good thing because I will be graduating, FINALLY, but I am scared to finally be thrown into the real world. There are so many things I still need to do in order to follow my dreams and I'm scared that I don't have the ability to get myself to that point. I've been put down so much in my life, and hurt by so many that my self confidence is at a negative.

In regards to the dumb ass thing I did tonight, it needs to never happen again. I feel absolutely horrible because it's a disappointment to me and those that matter. I don't know why I did it and refuse to give excuses for my poor behavior.

I feel as though I'm losing myself again in this deep dark place called depression and there is nothing that scares me so much as this. I don't have the energy to pick myself back up if I happen to fall into the pit of self pity and overwhelming sadness.

I just wish I had my family and friends back like the olden days when things were easy and everyone was innocent without drama and concern about the problems of every day life. Hopefully things will turn around and get better.

My idea of a good psychiatrist is...

...a bartender who pours without a spout

(Disclaimer: Well writing this kind of helped. I think. If anyone happens to read this, please don't freak out and think it's all over. I know God only dishes out things he knows we can handle, so God must think I'm a badass, which in all honesty, I am. So here goes...)

And lastly, if anyone has a problem with anything that I said, please grow a pair and take it up with me like an adult instead of running your mouth to other people. I own everything I say and do, and don't try and hide it. So please please please, let ME know if you have issues. Thank you.