Photography Day Six... Colleagues...

Considering I work alone with no colleagues this day proved to be a little difficult. With that said, I chose to use a picture from a while back of me and one of my former colleagues a.k.a. my cousin, Ashley. We worked at Bakers Square together back in '07. It's scary to think about how long ago that was. But anyways...

How times have changed...

Day Eighteen... (Wish for Radio)

I don't listen to the radio so I have no idea what's being played over the air and what isn't. So for this day I'd have to say "Deify" by Disturbed should be played more often on the radio.

Deify

"Oh my devotion betrayed...

...I am no longer afraid..."

Disturbed

One Wish...

I used to watch home videos all the time. It was one of my favorite things to do. Especially when I wasn't going to be seeing my family until the next holiday.

I haven't watched a home video since Aunt Buddy died. I found it up in a cabinet I was cleaning and decided to pop it into the VCR just to see exactly what it was. It's starts with the year of 1990.

My family was big on taking pictures and filming random moments and especially holidays. As I'm sitting here I can't stop crying. I'm not really a cryer, so this isn't normal behavior for me nor do I know how to deal with it well.

I know I've brought this up and mentioned it before without going in to great detail, but I miss my family so much. The dead and the living. Two days ago (March 3rd), marked the 17th anniversary of my Grandma's passing. The first one in my family (for my generation) to leave us. So my emotions may be running a little high right now or I'm simply finally giving into the pain I've been feeling for so long now. I wish things would go back to how they were. When everyone was happy and together and all you felt was love and compassion; like a real family ought to. I guess that's just too much to ask for now with all that has happened.

My birthday is coming up. 8 days and counting. I'll be 24. 17yrs ago my world was flipped upside down when my Grandma died. About another 10yrs later my Uncle was taken away from this place by a drug overdose (if that's not bad enough his body was discovered in a ditch up on Hicks Rd.) In 2004 my Uncle Larry passed. He was my best friend; but that's a story for another day. In 2005 one of my dear friends took his own life by hanging himself. He was only 19. In 2009 my Aunt Buddy died through no fault of her own. Within my (almost) 24yrs on this earth I have seen these people (plus a few more) come in and out of my life. The pain is unbearable.

On March 13th I will be 24yrs old. My one wish I'm going to make when I blow out those candles is I hope one day I will again feel that love and compassion once more and hopefully remember what being a family is all about.

It's never something you get over...

...It's just something you learn to live with.

Betrayal is the only truth that sticks...



My bulletin board of pics throughout the years

 I am addicted to pictures. I am addicted to taking them, posting them, and looking at them. I love having pictures of my family from every special event and even random moments when someone just happened to have a camera.



Jason, Kristen, and Me

 I also hate pictures. I hate looking at the happy moments I had with my family. I hate having to be reminded that everyone was happy once upon a time. I hate seeing all the smiling faces of the loved ones who have long since passed.

I hate having my heart break into a million little pieces because I no longer have family to talk to. I miss them more than they know and more than I'm willing to ever admit.

I was going to post something about this a while ago, but I knew that I shouldn't until my anger subsided to the point of where I could at least control it. A lot of things happened between certain family members and the consequences have been detrimental. I don't miss certain people and I for sure as hell don't miss the people we've all become. But I do miss certain people and the way they used to be.



Me and Dad

 Every night I spend a few hours scanning pictures into my computer so I can upload them onto various picture sites and then save them on my flash drive. Every night I hold back the tears of anger, hurt, pain, and solitude that I feel when I look at all the happy faces. Every night I think of how it used to be and how much I wish it could be again. Every night I pray that I'll wake up the next morning and it will have all been a horrible nightmare.


Every morning I wake up...

...and realize that the nightmare is just beginning.

Few of my Favorite Pictures:

Grandma's backyard...

Me and Ashley at Aunt Connie's...

Me and Jason Christmas '05

Me and Jason in Santa Cruz...

Me and Jason out in the Midwest

Our Tents and Transportation

Proud Great Uncle and Great Auntie holding Jason

Jason building forts...

There are no words...

So many things have been going on lately that there are no words to describe all of the things I am feeling. I did something really stupid tonight (not illegal or crazy. I just have a guilt gut about the little things and my guilt gut is about to kill me) but I can't talk about it for fear that it will get out and upset the people whom I love and care about most.

Everything seems to be happening all at once. The good and the bad. My family has gone to shit. Everyone is crazy, stressed, and depressed. School is getting down to the wire of being done. I'm hanging out with one of my really good friends again, who I think I'm starting to have feelings for again which scares me. For some reason I'm still in love with the one that got away (even though he treated me like the biggest piece of shit ever).

I'm confused. I'm hurt. I'm lost. I'm speechless with no words...

Things seem to be getting better with hanging out with my friend from the past. He's a great guy. I can be myself around him with no problem. But we have such a tumultuous history that I am afraid of what might happen so I don't want to get too close. I'm tired of having my heart broken repeatedly.

Losing my family has been absolutely horrible. And mostly horrible for my mom. But I won't put up with the bull shit anymore nor do I think anyone else should have to. I don't know what I did to one person in particular, especially since I've always been there for him, but honestly, kiss my ass is how I feel at the moment.

School is coming to an end which can be a good thing because I will be graduating, FINALLY, but I am scared to finally be thrown into the real world. There are so many things I still need to do in order to follow my dreams and I'm scared that I don't have the ability to get myself to that point. I've been put down so much in my life, and hurt by so many that my self confidence is at a negative.

In regards to the dumb ass thing I did tonight, it needs to never happen again. I feel absolutely horrible because it's a disappointment to me and those that matter. I don't know why I did it and refuse to give excuses for my poor behavior.

I feel as though I'm losing myself again in this deep dark place called depression and there is nothing that scares me so much as this. I don't have the energy to pick myself back up if I happen to fall into the pit of self pity and overwhelming sadness.

I just wish I had my family and friends back like the olden days when things were easy and everyone was innocent without drama and concern about the problems of every day life. Hopefully things will turn around and get better.

My idea of a good psychiatrist is...

...a bartender who pours without a spout



(Disclaimer: Well writing this kind of helped. I think. If anyone happens to read this, please don't freak out and think it's all over. I know God only dishes out things he knows we can handle, so God must think I'm a badass, which in all honesty, I am. So here goes...)

And lastly, if anyone has a problem with anything that I said, please grow a pair and take it up with me like an adult instead of running your mouth to other people. I own everything I say and do, and don't try and hide it. So please please please, let ME know if you have issues. Thank you.

Guess we're not kids anymore... (Dear Jason)

Throughout our entire childhood we were best friends. Inseperable. Joined at the hip. You had my back ("Carolyn's a good girl") and I in turn always had yours. You taught me everything I know about life, guns, hockey, fishing, camping, all outdoor things. Hell, at one point you helped teach me how to ride a bike. I spent every waking minute possible hanging out with you. You were my world. My best friend. My partner in crime. My cousin.

Somewhere along the way everything changed. That was the day my soul broke. My heart shattered. And I forgot what life is supposed to be.

Now I don't blame you, I dont blame myself, I don't blame anyone. People grow up and grow apart. I just never thought that day would come. I know that I've talked to you about this before and you're trying and so am I, but it doesn't make the pain go away.

I wish I still had that best friend who always had my back. That best friend who I could call and talk to about anything. That shoulder to cry on when no one else would understand. I feel alone in the world with no one/where to turn to. I don't know how to fix the way that I feel and I can't go back and change anything that I've done. I can only stop myself from doing anymore damage in the future. I just don't think I can do it alone anymore.

I lost my best friend of 14yrs to dishonesty, back stabbing, and adultery with my bf. After that I lost all faith in people. I stopped trusting, believing, and caring for that matter. I don't want to be that person anymore. But I don't know how to move on.

I go through photo albums quite often and look at all the pictures of the family through the years. In the early years we were always together. So happy. Full of love and kindness and understanding. I miss those days. I will never forget those days. I know we can't go backwards, but if continuing on without you is my only option I don't think I'm strong enough.

I want you back in my life as more than just my cousin I see every now and then. Don't get me wrong I know that you're busy a lot and have your own life and so do I. But I want my best friend back. I want to be able to call you when I've had a bad day and have someone understand and be able to talk me off the ledge. I want you to be able to confide in me because more than anything I want to be there for you too when you're in need of a good venting. I just want it all back.

Well this turned into more of a letter than I was going for. Guess once I started I couldn't stop myself from letting it all out. It has taken me years to get this all out so it's been a long time coming. Just know that I love you. And I miss you. And a lot of times I need you.

We lived our lives together...in the beginning
We were there for each other... in the beginning
We shared our thoughts, feelings, and love with each other... in the beginning

But I guess we're no longer....

...in the beginning


(Love, Carolyn)