December 12, 2010

Checking In...

So I've been AWOL for some time now, not because I have bailed or stopped caring, but because things have been CRAZY. So I'm just checking in and leaving a message stating reasons for my lack of attendance.

I have finals (which are officially over this Thursday). I'm getting ready to go to Cottonwood on Wednesday (which will be my first time going to see the grave site since I was sick and couldn't go to the funeral so it's going to be quite an emotional day for me). And I went and landed myself a new job tonight so yay me.

I'm starting to feel the pressure of emotions and thoughts building up in my head again, so I know by the end of this coming week I will be in need of writing many posts. But until then, I will continue to study, keep my hopes up for good grades, hold my head high, and wish everyone a good holiday season.

My idea of a good psychiatrist is...

...a bartender who pours without a spout

December 3, 2010

Stupid Scantrons...

Yes, it is LEGOS. I love lego's, so this image is perfect considering the police content.

Well tis the season of finals starting this week. My brain is on overdrive. I think I have consumed all the caffeine the world has to offer. And sleep is no longer an option at this point. I'm going to use the blog post as a kind of pensieve (Harry Potter reference, yes, I know) and get rid of some space that's being taken up by unnecessary things.

First off I need to make a list of the things I need to do that aren't school related:

1. Give away books to goodwill.
2. Give away clothes to the American Cancer Center.
3. Do laundry.
4. Gas up the car.
5. Watch more Golden Girls.
6. Find some socks because my feet are freezing.
7. Find the Labor Board office.

Secondly I need to write down my FINALS in order so I don't get confused:

1. Organized Crime
2. Counseling (Lifestyles)
3. Jobs in Law Enforcement
4. Guns, Firearms, Weapons

And Lastly:

1. I need to frickin' sleep.
2. Pass my finals.
3. Sleep some more.

Well I feel much better now that I have relieved myself of some of these inane thoughts. Back to studying I guess. Or maybe time to do a puzzle. I swear I have the attention span of a goldfish right now.

Well hell fire and save matches...

...fuck a duck and see what hatches

December 2, 2010

The Silence is Broken...

(In case you can't read what it says):
 "A painter paints pictures on canvas. But musicians paint their pictures on silence."
-Leopold Stokowski

So I haven't exactly been having a very great week (or two or three to be honest), but here I am, 2am, listening to some newly downloaded music, and everything seems to be coming together as though nothing were ever wrong.

I sometimes forget the power that music has to remedy almost any situation. There is music for every mood, whether it be sad, angry, or just having some good ole frickin' fun, no matter what, in the end you always feel at least a little bit better.

My taste in music is as about as eclectic as I am as a person. Crazy, random, out there, and definitely diverse. I'm all about the country, but could not live without heavy metal.

However, I would like to thank Jacks Mannequin (The Mixed Tape) for improving my mood this wonderful morning at 2am. I think people should spend more time laying in the dark listening to their favorite music and just forgetting all the hardships and negativity that is controlling their lives, and get lost in the depths of the notes and sounds coming from the speakers. Maybe it's just me, I don't know.

Well, that's all I have for now. Until next time, when my brain has too many thoughts and I must get them out before imploding. Hope whomever decides to read this enjoys and hopefully you'll break the silence wherever you are and crank up that stereo and get lost in the music.

Music expresses that which cannot be said...

...and on which it is impossible to be silent

December 1, 2010

There are no words...

So many things have been going on lately that there are no words to describe all of the things I am feeling. I did something really stupid tonight (not illegal or crazy. I just have a guilt gut about the little things and my guilt gut is about to kill me) but I can't talk about it for fear that it will get out and upset the people whom I love and care about most.

Everything seems to be happening all at once. The good and the bad. My family has gone to shit. Everyone is crazy, stressed, and depressed. School is getting down to the wire of being done. I'm hanging out with one of my really good friends again, who I think I'm starting to have feelings for again which scares me. For some reason I'm still in love with the one that got away (even though he treated me like the biggest piece of shit ever).

I'm confused. I'm hurt. I'm lost. I'm speechless with no words...

Things seem to be getting better with hanging out with my friend from the past. He's a great guy. I can be myself around him with no problem. But we have such a tumultuous history that I am afraid of what might happen so I don't want to get too close. I'm tired of having my heart broken repeatedly.

Losing my family has been absolutely horrible. And mostly horrible for my mom. But I won't put up with the bull shit anymore nor do I think anyone else should have to. I don't know what I did to one person in particular, especially since I've always been there for him, but honestly, kiss my ass is how I feel at the moment.

School is coming to an end which can be a good thing because I will be graduating, FINALLY, but I am scared to finally be thrown into the real world. There are so many things I still need to do in order to follow my dreams and I'm scared that I don't have the ability to get myself to that point. I've been put down so much in my life, and hurt by so many that my self confidence is at a negative.

In regards to the dumb ass thing I did tonight, it needs to never happen again. I feel absolutely horrible because it's a disappointment to me and those that matter. I don't know why I did it and refuse to give excuses for my poor behavior.

I feel as though I'm losing myself again in this deep dark place called depression and there is nothing that scares me so much as this. I don't have the energy to pick myself back up if I happen to fall into the pit of self pity and overwhelming sadness.

I just wish I had my family and friends back like the olden days when things were easy and everyone was innocent without drama and concern about the problems of every day life. Hopefully things will turn around and get better.

My idea of a good psychiatrist is...

...a bartender who pours without a spout

(Disclaimer: Well writing this kind of helped. I think. If anyone happens to read this, please don't freak out and think it's all over. I know God only dishes out things he knows we can handle, so God must think I'm a badass, which in all honesty, I am. So here goes...)

And lastly, if anyone has a problem with anything that I said, please grow a pair and take it up with me like an adult instead of running your mouth to other people. I own everything I say and do, and don't try and hide it. So please please please, let ME know if you have issues. Thank you.

November 17, 2010

The Road to Hell is paved with Adverbs...

"Read sometimes for the story, Bobby. Don't be like the book snobs who won't do that. Read sometimes for the words - the language. Don't be like the play-it-safers that won't do that. But when you find a book that has both a good story and good words, treasure that book."
(Stephen King, Hearts in Atlantis)

I have loved reading ever since I picked up my first book. I find it very important for people to read not only because it makes you smarter and builds up your vocabulary, but it's a great way to expand your imagination and lets you get lost in a whole other world...

When I don't want to be in my reality I grab a book and get lost in its reality. I love Stephen King more than life itself not just for the genre but what he writes makes me think. It's deep. And meaningful. And words can't explain the way I feel when I'm done reading one of his books. Plus they are usually insanely creepy which is a definite bonus. I have always loved writing stories, essays, and even personal things such as blogs... Stephen King in my opinion is an amazing writer and I admire his talent...

I have decided to make a list of books that I must read before the year ends. Just like my taste in music, my taste in books is eclectic and strange. So here goes...

1. The Tommyknockers (Stephen King)
2. The Stand - Unedited version (Stephen King)
3. Insomnia (Stephen King. My favorite)
4. Harry Potter 1-7 (J.K. Rowling)
5. Gone With the Wind (Margaret Mitchell)
6. Scarlett (Margaret Mitchell)
7. The World According to Mr. Rogers (Fred Rogers)
8. Mein Kampf (Adolf Hitler)
9. The Story of My Life (Helen Keller)
10. Dead Souls (Nikolai Gogol)
11. A Farewell to Arms (Ernest Hemingway)
12. Night (Elie Weisel. I read this at least once a year.)

I know that the year is almost over and this seems like a huge amount of books to read, but like i said, reading is important and I want to read as much as I can. If anyone is looking for a great list of books to read the best website I've found is . Well off I go. Have a lot of reading to do...

Alone. Yes, that's the key word, the most awful word in the English tongue. Murder doesn't hold a candle to it and hell is only a poor synonym...
 (Stephen King)

...Now tell me that didn't make you think

November 13, 2010

Guess we're not kids anymore... (Dear Jason)

Throughout our entire childhood we were best friends. Inseperable. Joined at the hip. You had my back ("Carolyn's a good girl") and I in turn always had yours. You taught me everything I know about life, guns, hockey, fishing, camping, all outdoor things. Hell, at one point you helped teach me how to ride a bike. I spent every waking minute possible hanging out with you. You were my world. My best friend. My partner in crime. My cousin.

Somewhere along the way everything changed. That was the day my soul broke. My heart shattered. And I forgot what life is supposed to be.

Now I don't blame you, I dont blame myself, I don't blame anyone. People grow up and grow apart. I just never thought that day would come. I know that I've talked to you about this before and you're trying and so am I, but it doesn't make the pain go away.

I wish I still had that best friend who always had my back. That best friend who I could call and talk to about anything. That shoulder to cry on when no one else would understand. I feel alone in the world with no one/where to turn to. I don't know how to fix the way that I feel and I can't go back and change anything that I've done. I can only stop myself from doing anymore damage in the future. I just don't think I can do it alone anymore.

I lost my best friend of 14yrs to dishonesty, back stabbing, and adultery with my bf. After that I lost all faith in people. I stopped trusting, believing, and caring for that matter. I don't want to be that person anymore. But I don't know how to move on.

I go through photo albums quite often and look at all the pictures of the family through the years. In the early years we were always together. So happy. Full of love and kindness and understanding. I miss those days. I will never forget those days. I know we can't go backwards, but if continuing on without you is my only option I don't think I'm strong enough.

I want you back in my life as more than just my cousin I see every now and then. Don't get me wrong I know that you're busy a lot and have your own life and so do I. But I want my best friend back. I want to be able to call you when I've had a bad day and have someone understand and be able to talk me off the ledge. I want you to be able to confide in me because more than anything I want to be there for you too when you're in need of a good venting. I just want it all back.

Well this turned into more of a letter than I was going for. Guess once I started I couldn't stop myself from letting it all out. It has taken me years to get this all out so it's been a long time coming. Just know that I love you. And I miss you. And a lot of times I need you.

We lived our lives the beginning
We were there for each other... in the beginning
We shared our thoughts, feelings, and love with each other... in the beginning

But I guess we're no longer.... the beginning

(Love, Carolyn)

November 11, 2010

Not waiting around for the storm to pass...

I posted on here saying how this blog is to be used as a way of gaining strength. Being empowered to do anything, and try and shed some light on the things that seem most negative in life. I however am not a very positive, strong, empowered individual. Well, at least not all the time.

Life has taught me that it's not always going to be full of sunshine and rainbows. There will always be obstacles you must face whether you want to or not. For this is where i draw my strength from in knowing that whether or not I feel prepared to face something head on I have no choice but to go forth and do so. With that said, there are the days where I feel as though I am nothing. I have nothing, and I will never be able to have anything.

Today has started out as one of those days. A few years ago I started dating someone who I was completely and madly in love with. He was a drug addict/alcoholic. I supported him in every way I thought possible which included going to AA meetings with him on a daily basis. I myself am not really one for drinking so my attending these meetings was purely for moral support. Or at least that's what I thought.

I have met a lot of people in my life. The diversity is astonishing, not just in race and religion, but also in class (lower,middle, upper). At these meetings I met this man who had lost everything. His house, his friends, his family, his dauther, his hope, and his will to live. He turned to the bottle and the needle to try and fill that void we all sometimes feel. It of course didn't help. This man lives under a bridge in campbell with a few other people. They sleep next to each other for maximum warmth. He doesn't ask for money, ever, and when I tried to give him some he actually paid me back the next day from money he got from the recycling center. (I in turn spent the money on getting him coffee and some chips and a pack of smokes).

But the point is this man, who has no home, no family, lost all legal ability to see his daughter, made me understand the value of life. He told me "how would you know the good days if you didn't have the bad ones." That simple sentence coming from someone who once had given up hope on life and everything else changed the way of my thinking ever since.

So yeah, today has been an incredibly shitty day. Hell, this past year has been incredibly shitty. I may not always be strong, empowered, and have a cheery disposition. But I do know that having a bad day means eventually I'll have a good one and I'll actually know for a fact that it's good.
If anyone actually reads these things that I post, I want you to know it's okay to have a shitty day/week/month/year. Because eventually you'll have that one day that will be worth having had to put up with all those shitty ones to begin with. Negativity is a part of life. But without the negative there wouldn't be a positive.

So today I'm not waiting for the storm to pass...

...I'm learning how to dance in the rain

November 3, 2010

beauty is in the eye of the driver...

My "job" combines my favorite things.. Driving and listening to music at high speeds. I am so grateful that I don't have to sit in traffic everyday on the freeway getting frustrated and dreading my entire day. I get to drive through the mountains surrounded by redwoods at 50mph everyday blasting my country music.
I think more people should take the time to take a little drive or even a hike through the forest from time to time. Nothing is more soothing and gives you a more natural high than being out in the open wilderness.
So I would like to thank the people that hired me to do such a wonderful job. Not only do I get paid with cash, but I get paid with beauty and tranquility everyday.

October 26, 2010

It's been a while...

If tears could build a stairway,
And memories a lane,
I'd walk right up to Heaven
And bring you home again.

Today marks the one year anniv. of the passing of the most wonderful woman. I don't have much to say that I haven't said already but I would like to give credit where credit is due. And on this day all the credit, love, and respect is due to this woman. Forever in our hearts, memories, and souls.

Things will never be the same but hopefully soon I will be able to smile when I think of you instead of cry. The pain is still there every day. Even though it's been a year it feels like not a day has gone by since you were taken away. I love you Aunt Buddy.

It's been a while...

...but not long enough

October 24, 2010

When Life Hands You Lemons...

(I love quotes of all kinds. Funny, entertaining, inspirational, etc. I think these 88 statements are very true and in my opinion very inspiring and thoughtful. I hope others will be inspired as well.)

I chose a picture of Where the Sidewalk Ends because it was the first book I read
as a kid that "inspired" me and made me think...

1. You can’t change other people, and it’s rude to try.
2. It is a hundred times more difficult to burn calories than to refrain from consuming them in the first place.
3. If you’re talking to someone you don’t know well, you may be talking to someone who knows way more about whatever you’re talking about than you do.
4. The cheapest and most expensive models are usually both bad deals.
5. Everyone likes somebody who gets to the point quickly.
6. Bad moods will come and go your whole life, and trying to force them away makes them run deeper and last longer.
7. Children are remarkably honest creatures until we teach them not to be.
8. If everyone in the TV show you’re watching is good-looking, it’s not worth watching.
9. Yelling always makes things worse.
10. Whenever you’re worried about what others will think of you, you’re really just worried about what you’ll think of you.
11. Every problem you have is your responsibility, regardless of who caused it.
12. You never have to deal with more than one moment at a time.
13. If you never doubt your beliefs, then you’re wrong a lot.
14. Managing one’s wants is the most powerful skill a person can learn.
15. Nobody has it all figured out.
16. Cynicism is far too easy to be useful.
17. Every passing face on the street represents a story every bit as compelling and complicated as yours.
18. Whenever you hate something, it hates you back: people, situations and inanimate objects alike.
19. Ralph Waldo Emerson’s works alone can teach you everything you need to know about living with grace and happiness.
20. People embellish everything, as a rule.
21. Anger reveals weakness of character, violence even moreso.
22. Humans cannot destroy the planet, but we can destroy its capacity to keep us alive. And we are.
23. When people are uncomfortable with the present moment, they fidget with their hands or their minds. Watch and see.
24. Those who complain the most, accomplish the least.
25. Putting something off makes it instantly harder and scarier.
26. Credit card debt devours souls.
27. Nobody knows more than a minuscule fraction of what’s going on in the world. It’s just way too big for any one person to know it well.
28. Most of what we see is only what we think about what we see.
29. A person who is unafraid to present a candid version of herself to the world is as rare as diamonds.
30. The most common addiction in the world is the draw of comfort. It wrecks dreams and breaks people.
31. If what you’re doing feels perfectly safe, there is probably a better course of action.
32. The greatest innovation in the history of humankind is language.
33. Blame is the favorite pastime of those who dislike responsibility.
34. Everyone you meet is better than you at something.
35. Proof is nothing but a collection of opinions that match your own.
36. Knowledge is belief, nothing more.
37. Indulging your desires is not self-love.
38. What makes human beings different from animals is that animals can be themselves with ease.
39. Self-examination is the only path out of misery.
40. Whoever you are, you will die. To know and understand that means you are alive.
41. Revenge is for the petty and irresponsible.
42. Getting truly organized can vastly improve anyone’s life.
43. Almost every cliché contains a truth so profound that people have been compelled to repeat it until it makes you roll your eyes. But the wisdom is still in there.
44. People cause suffering when they are suffering themselves. Alleviating their suffering will help them not hurt others.
45. High quality is worth any quantity, in possessions, friends and experiences.
46. The world would be a better place if everyone read National Geographic.
47. If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship.
48. Even if it costs no money, nothing is free if it takes time.
49. Emotions exist to make us strongly biased towards or against something. This hinders as often as it helps.
50. Addiction is a much greater problem in society than it’s made out to be. It’s present in every person in various forms, but usually we call it something else.
51. “Gut feeling” is not just a euphemism. Tension in the abdomen speaks volumes about how you truly feel about something, beyond all arguments and rationales.
52. Posture and dress change profoundly how you feel about yourself and how others feel about you, like it or not.
53. Everyone thinks they’re an above average driver.
54. The urge to punish others has much more to do with venting frustration than correcting behavior.
55. By default, people think far too much.
56. If anything is worth splurging on, it’s a high-quality mattress. You’ll spend a third of your life using it.
57. There is nothing worse than having no friends.
58. To write a person off as worthless is an act of great violence.
59. Try as we might to be otherwise, we are all hypocrites.
60. Justice is a human invention which is in reality rarely achievable, but many will not hesitate to destroy lives demanding it.
61. Kids will usually understand exactly what you mean if you keep it to one or two short sentences.
62. Stuff that’s on sale usually has an annoying downside.
63. Casual swearing makes people sound dumb.
64. Words are immensely powerful. One cruel remark can wound someone for life.
65. It’s easy to make someone’s day just by being uncommonly pleasant to them.
66. Most of what children learn from their parents isn’t taught on purpose.
67. The secret ingredient is usually butter, in obscene amounts.
68. It is worth re-trying foods that you didn’t like at first.
69. Problems, when they arise, are rarely as painful as the experience of fearing them.
70. Nothing — ever — happens exactly like you pictured it.
71. North Americans are generally terrible at accepting compliments and offers of help.
72. There are not enough women in positions of power. The world has suffered from this deficit for a long time.
73. When you break promises to yourself, you feel terrible. When you make a habit of it, you begin to hate yourself.
74. A good nine out of ten bad things I’ve worried about never happened. A good nine out of ten bad things that did happen never occurred to me to worry about.
75. You can’t hide a bad mood from people who know you well, but you can always be polite.
76. Sometimes you have to remove certain people from your life, even if they’re family.
77. Anyone can be calmed in an instant by looking at the ocean or the stars.
78. There is no point finishing a book you aren’t enjoying. Life is too short for that. Swallow your pride and put it down for good, unfinished.
79. There is no correlation between the price of a brand of batteries and how long they last.
80. Breaking new ground only takes a small amount more effort than you’re used to giving.
81. Life is a solo trip, but you’ll have lots of visitors. Some of them are long-term, most aren’t.
82. One of the best things you can do for your kids is take them on road trips. I’m not a parent, but I was a kid once.
83. The fewer possessions you have, the more they do for you.
84. Einstein was wiser than he was intelligent, and he was a genius.
85. When you’re sick of your own life, that’s a good time to pick up a book.
86. Wishing things were different is a great way to torture yourself.
87. The ability to be happy is nothing other than the ability to come to terms with how things change.
88. Killing time is an atrocity. It’s priceless, and it never grows back.

Seven Year "Stitch"

My Art
So this is my art. I started counted cross-stitching when I was 10 and I made my very first quilt. By the age of 12 I had made two quilts, christmas decorations for everyone in my family, plus little things for my friends. As the years have progressed so have I in terms of talent, size, and difficulty.

I'm not sure exactly how long this particular project took me but I know for sure it was over five years. It is approx. 1 1/2 ft. x 2 1/2 ft. which is around 100,000 stitches. I literally put my blood, sweat and tears into this project.

A lot of people can't believe that someone like me can actually do this. I'm not patient by any means, which is the number one characteristic a person much possess in order to be a successful cross-stitcher. However,I love doing this more than anything else life can offer. It calms me and makes me feel as though I'm good at something. It's something that no one can ever take away from me. It's mine. I made it. 

I hope to share my art with the world someday. But for now I'll just be happy to let anyone who wants to see it, see it. And hopefully love it as much as I do. I will be posting more pictures of the rest of my creations on my facebook sometime in the near future. So feel free to browse. I love sharing...

Here's a preview of my next project...

My Next Project. (150,000 stitches approx. 25in x 36in)

October 20, 2010

Fiat Justitia

(I wrote this paper for my sexual assault investigation class last semester. My teacher was so impressed that she decided to have it published. This is my story. No holding back. I tell it like it is. Some may not appreciate it, but this story to me explains why I am who I am today. This story also gives the reason for why I want to become a sexual assault detective.) 






                                  Age of Innocence




            I was born March 13th, 1987 in San Jose, California at Good Samaritan hospital to two great, wonderful, loving, emotionally supportive parents. I started school at the age of three, where I began attending Hillbrook in Los Gatos, California. I graduated eighth grade in a class of thirty-two where I knew everyone since I was three years old. 
            I went from the sheltered life of private school, and having known the same people eleven years out of my fourteen years of life, to a public school where I knew no one and the rules of society were different. 
            I quickly made great friends that I still have to this day, and maintained a pretty high grade point average for my first few semesters of attending Leigh High School. Even though everything was so new and different to me, I tried to make the best of it and integrate myself into the new world that I had to become accustom to.
            A lot of aspects of my teenage years are a blur to me as I have blocked them out of my mind to avoid any further pain being inflicted upon me. I don’t know if it was the hormones, the new environment I was being subjected to, or just pure stupidity, but things started to change quickly, and not for the better.
            I wasn’t into the drug scene, I wasn’t one of the kids that enjoyed ditching school, or smoking off campus just to annoy the on campus officers, I was a law abiding, goody-two-shoes kind of girl.
            I was born an only child and have been used to being on my own and have learned how to entertain myself very easily. For some reason boredom hit me like a ton of bricks and I looked to guys for comfort. I was raised in a household where sex is something you have after you have fallen in love and are married. My mother has only had sex with one person in her whole life, my dad, and they have been married for 35 years. I have always admired my mother for this and have wanted to emulate her in every way possible. I had no intentions of having sex or giving up my virginity to anyone. Especially not at the tender age of fifteen.

Good Times Gone Awry

            Late one night I was hanging out in the apartment that’s attached to my parents house (it’s where my grandma used to live before she died) watching television by myself.  A few months prior my uncle had broken in after having been arrested for attacking my parents because he was high on cocaine. So I knew that being in the apartment late at night wasn’t the safest and smartest decision, but I really wanted my privacy and to simply be alone (without parents) while I watched television.  I had decided to invite a "friend" over to hang out with me and watch a movie  because let's be honest, it's just way more fun to watch movies with friends. He was someone I trusted. Because back then I trusted everyone even if I didn't know them. When he showed up the situation took a different turn than I thought it would. I answered the door with a smile on my face ready to invite him in to hang out. He had that look on his face where you know something just isn't right. I stood in shock and not knowing what to do I turned around and looked for comfort in what used to be my grandma’s room. 
            A lot of things are a blur to me of what exactly happened on that night, but I remember he forced himself upon me while I did everything I could to make him stop. I put up a fight verbally and physically with no avail.  He was 6’3” 230lbs. I was 5’4” 180lbs.  He was twenty-six years old. I was fifteen.
            I was raped that night. Against my will I had my virginity taken away from me within the blink of an eye for no reason that I could figure out. As soon as he had finished with me he left me alone in the apartment where I lay for hours staring at the ceiling wondering what had just happened and how to deal with it.
            The next day I told my parents what had happened. They were upset, pissed off, and in utter shock. The only thing they did was taking away my Internet access and my phone privileges. Yeah, because that was the cause of the problem. (I did have a problem where I'd meet people off of the internet because I didn't feel comfortable socializing in the real world. But taking it away wasn't going to solve the problem. Only made it escalate)  To this day I don’t know what they were trying to accomplish by doing those things or if they were just too scared to realize and admit to themselves what had just happened to me. Maybe they just didn't know how to handle it. God knows this wasn't a normal occurrence.  Either way I saw that they weren’t going to help me in the way that I needed so I turned to the only other adult I trusted. My P.E. teacher.  I guess she told the school counselor and then the police were contacted, because the next thing I knew I was being pulled out of class without warning.

Reality v. Law

            I was pulled out of English class by two police detectives. They were dressed in nice attire with their badges hooked on their belt loops. I was embarrassed, appalled, and confused that I was not only being taken out of my class, but in front of the entire classroom and my teacher by two detectives who I hadn’t even known had been informed about my rape. We ended up going to the conference room where they would interrogate me over and over again until they finally realized that I was telling the same story.  I was told they would contact me within the next couple of days and another police officer would come to talk to me.
            A few days later I was once again removed from my class by the same two detectives to go and talk in the conference room. This time they had another officer with them who was going to take my story and then transport me to Valley Medical Center where I would have a rape kit done and evidence taken.
            After I was introduced to the officer the two detectives left and said they’d be in contact with me if they found any new information. By this time I had given them a full description of the man (name, race, height, even a picture) and they were trying to contact him to question him.  The officer I was left with asked me a few questions about what had happened and said he needed to take me to Valley Medical Center to have a rape kit done.  We proceeded to walk outside, and by this time the last bell had rung so all of the kids were out of classes and walking towards the front lawn, and he escorted me to his patrol car. I was placed in the backseat of the police vehicle while all of my friends stood around watching including some of my neighbors that I went to school with. I hadn’t told a single person what had happened to me so I can only imagine what thoughts were going through their heads when they witnessed me getting into the back of a police car. 
            I was taken to Valley Medical Center to the portable section in the back. I was scared, alone, and didn’t know what was going on. I asked repeatedly for my mom to be contacted so at least I would have someone there with me who I was comfortable with. My request was never even entertained.
            The rape kit was taken and I was given a pill that they told me was the morning after pill. At that time I had no idea what the morning after pill was, but figured if a nurse was giving it to me than it must be okay. I left the room feeling angry, upset and confused and when I opened the door sitting in the waiting chairs was my mom. She was furious. She had been sitting in the waiting room for over an hour because no one would tell her where I was and they wouldn’t let her see me. She became even more furious when she found out that they had given her fifteen-year-old daughter the morning after pill without her consent and without my knowledge of what it was.

            I have learned over the years and in this sexual assault investigation class that you must be given the option of having a same sex officer to take your report. I was never given that option. I have also learned that you are allowed to have someone in the room with you when you are being examined for the rape kit. I was never given that option. I have also learned that officers should be discreet when dealing with the victim. That wasn’t what happened with me seeing as I was pulled out of class on more than one occasion by two detectives and then put into the back of a police vehicle in front of the entire student body of Leigh High School.  I also learned that you are supposed to be given an advocate or someone that you can talk to from the rape crisis center. That was never an option given to me. I have also learned through this class and many other Administration of Justice classes that when a rape or sexual assault occurs, the victim needs to be taken to the hospital as soon as possible to collect evidence. I wasn’t taken to the hospital for almost a week after the incident had occurred and after the detectives had been informed about my case.

End Result

            A few weeks after having been taken to Valley Medical Center for the rape exam, I received a phone call from the two detectives who initially spoke to me at the beginning of the case. They had contacted the man who raped me.  He said he was willing to take a lie detector test to prove his innocence.  I told the detective’s that was fine with me and I would be most willing to do the same. They told me that wasn’t necessary. A few days after that I was given the results of the rape kit. They had found dried semen on my inner thigh matching the DNA of the man who had raped me.  The detectives told me it wasn’t enough evidence, and that they couldn’t move forward with the case.  I felt ashamed, alone, depressed, and totally lost. 
            The detectives once again came to my school, pulled me out of class, and questioned me one last time in the conference room. I answered the questions the same way I had the first two times with nothing changing in my story. They had the man, they had evidence, they had my story, what more did they need from me?  The detectives tried to make me feel bad and intimidate me by telling me that if I went through with pressing charges and took that man to court then he would have to register as a sex offender for the rest of his life and I could really ruin anything he had going for him. So? Why do I care what a rapist will have to go through by registering as a sex offender?
            I remember this part more clearly than I do any other day or event from my lifetime. The detectives turned to face each other, then both looked at me and one of them had the nerve to tell me that I was just a fifteen year old girl who was trying to cause trouble because the guy had sex with me and then didn’t want anything to do with me so I got angry and made up the entire thing.
            It’s my understanding that as an officer or even as a decent human being you don’t tell someone that they are just being a hormonal teenager and trying to ruin someone’s life for revenge.
            In the end the case went dead, justice was never served, the rapist is living his life somewhere, and the day my virginity was taken away from me without consent was the day my soul died.


            I ended up joining the P.E.A.T. (Peers Against Abstinence Team) team at Leigh High School. It helped for a little while. To listen to others tell their story. And see how it helped them when they spoke. But when it came to my turn to tell my story to the class I couldn’t seem to do it.  After having told the detectives my story, and being judged for something that I didn’t even ask to have happen to me, I was never able to retell my story to anyone ever again. Getting up in front of a classroom to speak was the worst thing for me because I always felt as though I was being judged and ridiculed. That I was just the same fifteen year old girl who made things up to ruin other people’s lives.
            I was expelled from Leigh High School halfway through my Junior year because I refused to speak in front of class, do any homework that involved presenting, and then finally stopped showing up to school because of the rumors. I was sent to Boynton High School where I transferred into ISP (Independent Studies Program) so I could work on my own time and by myself without having to constantly feel judged and threatened.         
            I believe that everything happens for a reason whether good or bad. Getting raped, losing all of my friends, and being expelled from high school might not be such great things. But I do believe that those things are the major things that influenced the person I am today. And without those experiences I wouldn’t have the knowledge and understanding that I now possess.

            I have wanted to be a police officer ever since I was three years old. After what happened to me, I have decided that I want to do something help victims of sexual assault. I want to be there for the men, women, and children who need someone they can trust and turn to with their problems.
            The law might say one thing, but that doesn’t mean that the people who are supposed to uphold the law are actually following through with it. I learned that the hard way. On multiple occasions.
            At first the way the detectives treated me, it deterred me from wanting to follow my dreams of becoming an officer of the law seeing as they were cold-hearted assholes that were only interested in themselves and blaming the victims. But then I realized that if the world has people like those two in law enforcement then I need to follow my heart, hopes, and dreams and become a better influence and balance out of the negativity that people like them are producing in this world.
            This class has shown me a lot of different directions I can take my passion in whether it is into law enforcement or in social work. I want to help the victims in a way that I wish I had been helped so they don’t go down the same path of destruction that I went down in trying to bury myself instead of living my life.
            It took me a long time to find myself again.  Almost eight years.  I live in the apartment that I was raped in. I sleep in the bedroom every night that I was forced to have sexual intercourse and have my virginity taken away from me in one fell swoop in.  I live in a place where I am surrounded by my inner demons and past reality. But I have learned how to control the hurt, the pain, and sometimes the anger.  I want to be there for other people who have been or are going through the same things that I have went through.  No one should have to suffer from someone else’s wrong doings. And no one should have to suffer alone.

(I need to add that my parents are great people. They have never had to deal with anything of this nature and I don't blame them at all for not knowing how to deal with it. I myself didn't know how to handle it and at the time I was a teenager with a lot of problems who in all honesty didn't want help. So thank you to the people who were actually there for me. I appreciate it more than you will ever know.)

October 17, 2010

Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday

66yrs ago you were born. 65yrs and exactly one week later, you were 'taken away.'  I say 'taken away' because that's how it feels.
It feels like my heart has been taken away...
It feels like the meaning of life has been taken away...
It feels like you've been taken away...

I thank God everyday for the ability to remember... remember you as not only an aunt, but as a person, a friend, and a loved one. remmber holidays at your house, painting easter eggs, dancing around the christmas tree, eating thanksgiving food, and the infamous drunken New Years Special Olympics Hippity Hop Showdown
...but most of all the ability to remember your smile, your laugh, your smell, your kindness, your heart, and the love I feel everytime I think about you

Even though you were 'taken away', the 22 1/2 years I had with you can NEVER be 'taken away.'

Happy Birthday Aunt Buddy...

...and many more

October 15, 2010

When I Grow Up...

When I was 5 years old, my mom always told me that happiness was the key to life.
When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up.
I wrote down "happy."
They told me I didn't understand the assignment
and I told them they didn't understand life.

  • I want to be a sexual assault detective and help victims not just legally but emotionally...
  • Own my house that I live in now so I can not only cherish my childhood memories but relive them every day...
  • Be a person of great character that people not only respect but enjoy being around...
  • I want to have children whether they are biological or adopted because no matter what they will be mine to love forever...
  • I want to teach an English class...
  • Have my own library filled with every book worth reading...
  • Have built my own playground... For adults... Slides, Swings, Monkey Bars, etc. I want to remind my generation of what it means to feel free...
  • I want to go sky diving so I can see the world the way loved ones see it from Heaven...
  • Swim with sharks... and not in a cage...
  • Travel to Denmark to learn more about my heritage...
  • Learn to tap dance like Shirley Temple...
  • Gamble at a casino just so I can hear someone say "winner winner chicken dinner"... of course I have to actually win first...
  • I want to drive an army tank...
  • I want to drive an actual nascar car... then my nickname would actually have real meaning...
  • Visit all the lighthouses around the world. (ever since our Girl Scout overnight trip i've become in love with them)
  • Make someone smile if only for a moment...
  • I want to meet Brooks and Dunn and let them know how inspiring their twenty years of music was to me...
  • I want to visit LegoLand...
  • I want to thank all of the military people for everything they've done for us everyday...
  • I want to feel good about myself and the decisions that I've made...
  • Play soccer again...
  • I want to inspire someone the way others have inspired me...
  • I want to be as smart, independent, and strong like my parents...
  • Put on my ballet shoes and dance one more time...
  • Meet a real cowboy... and maybe fall in love with him...
  • Have no regrets...
  • Believe in myself and the good in people...
  • Release myself of all grudges I have... Life is just too damn short...

When I Grow Up...

...I want to be me

October 13, 2010


The reason for why I decided to name my blog S(HE)  BE(LIE)VE(D) was because that's what brought me to where I am today. I didn't make this blog so I can cry about what I've lost and wish I could go back and do things differently. No. I made this blog so I can remember the good, the bad, and what made me who I am today.

I've lost many things and many people in my life. Mostly for the better. I did believe. He did lie. To clarify he was a drug addict/alcoholic/compulsive liar who not only slept with my neighbor, cousin, some random chick, but also my best friend of 14yrs. Some of you may know who she is. But it doesn't matter.

I believed in the good in people. I believed everyone deserved a second chance. I believed karma would bring you the joy and happiness you deserved if you were bringing joy and happiness to the world yourself. He lied and showed me there isn't good in people. He lied and showed me no matter how many chances I give he will never change. He lied and showed me that karma will bite you on the ass for the smallest infidelity no matter the amount of good.

I went through a lot in the three years I was with him and those people. I stopped believing. I stopped believing in the human race. I stopped believing in my friends. I stopped believing in my family. I stopped believing in myself.

In the end it became me who was lying. I lied to myself about who he really was. I lied to myself about how a best friend would never do that to me. I lied to myself that I didn't care. I lied to myself that I wasn't worth it.

I digress...

Today I no longer lie. I only believe. I believe that I am worth it. I believe that I can do whatever I set my mind to. I believe that I will finish school, finish the academy, and follow my dreams and become a police officer. I believe that I can help people. I believe that one day I will have faith and trust again. Most importantly I believe in myself and will never let that be taken away again.

This blog is about strength, passion, understanding, and the ability to move on and do things for yourself/myself, and not letting anyone bring you/me down. I believe in following my dreams, living my life to the fullest, and doing what I want to do.

He did lie...

...but I still believe.

Love You. Miss You. Need You.

Yesterday I received a text message from my cousin saying "It's been almost a year and not a day goes by that you don't cross my mind. Days have turned to weeks, weeks to months, months to years. For someone who thought she touched very few lives you have touched so many. I miss you so much. Love You. Miss You. Need You."
Getting a text like that from my 23yr old, 6'1", beer drinkin, gun totin, redneck of a cousin hit me in the heart like a sack of potatoes being shot out of a cannon.
In six days it will be my aunt's birthday. In exactly a week after that it will be the one year anniversary of her death. She was my aunt, his grandma, my mom's sister and best friend. She was someones mother, daughter, wife, grandmother, friend, aunt, everything a person can be to another person.
Many people have been lost in my family. Average 1/yr as sad as that may seem it's true. But I don't think any have had the same impact in such a huge way as this.

I've never done this blogging stuff before so it's all new to me, but I would like to dedicate this first post to the woman who meant the world to so many. The woman who took care of me when I was first born because my mom was too sick. The woman who became my aunt Buddy while everyone else called her aunt Darlene. The woman who made me egg salad because I am one of the pickiest eaters ever. The woman who made scrapbooks so we could all remember our lives and share the memories with other loved ones. 

The woman who will never be forgotten and will always remain in our hearts.

Love You. Miss You. Need You.

Darlene Huddleston 10/19/1944-10/26/2009

(I decided to post a link to this on facebook just to get it out there that I have a blog or what not. My cousin clicked the like button which I wasn't suprised about. But then he commented on the link. "Thank you." Those two words held so much meaning to me that even though this is my post, my blog, my words that I wrote, I started crying immediately. So thank you family, friends, loved ones, and constant reader for giving me the opportunity to write about the legacy of a great woman. Until next time, Thank You.)