Photography Day Twenty-One... Stranger Danger.

Um. Today is supposed to be a picture of someone I don't know. I know there is a way to do this artistically and make it look all pretty and shit, but to me it's just creepy and I don't want to look as though I'm stalking someone taking a random photo. So I'm going to go the relative route. When you think about it, how well do you really know someone? You don't. So with that said I decided to take a picture of someone I do "know" but yet is still a mystery all the same...

Jonny passed out. Fucking stoner...

Using a picture of Jonny was the more than obvious way to go for me. We were together for over 2yrs, I've known him since I was 16, and yet there has never been someone to surprise me as much as he has. And not in a good way. Like I said, how well do you really ever know someone?

Photography Day Thirteen... Home is where the heart is.

A picture of my favorite building. That would be my house. My home. The place where I grew up and intend to raise my children. It may not look like much from the outisde, but you shouldn't judge a book by it's cover.

Photography Day Twelve... Sushi

So based on the title of this post y'all are probably expecting to see a picture of sushi. Well, you'd be wrong. Todays picture is supposed to be of an animal. I chose my cat, Sushi. She is the cutest cat in the world and she thinks she's a guard dog. She used to be cream colored but has darkened over the years as well as put on a few pounds which simply adds to her fluffiness.

The gray cat is Paul. He also thinks he's a dog but more so a pit bull because if given the opportunity he will try and eat your arm.

Photography Day Three... You have my heart...

So many times I have used my mom for the person whom I love, most admire, love hanging out with, closest friend, so on and so forth. Well, for this day, I'm going to use my mom again. I think that mother's, especially mine, are the most important people you can ever have in your life. They raise you, teach you, love you, care for you, and are always there for you no matter what. I love my mom more than anything in this entire world and devote todays photography challenge to her. Love the hell out of you Mommy.

Smile...

So I'm still here. It seems as though I've dropped off the face of the earth, and honestly that's what it's felt like recently. I've been meaning to blog more but I guess that backfired on me completely and I haven't blogged at all. I know I said I was going to remedy this, but I haven't had to the want or drive to do so lately. Today I woke up with a smile. Turned out to be one of the best days I've had in years. And it wasn't as if anything special happened. I didn't win big money, get a great start to my career, graduate college, or figure out the meaning of life. Today I spent time with old friends. A friend from high school, a friend from my crazy years, and a friend from my childhood. It feels good to get out sometimes and be with those who you haven't seen in a long time that make you smile, laugh, and ask yourself why the hell you've been living in a cave for so long. Today was amazing because I got to laugh, relive great memories, feel love and friendship and compassion and most importantly feel good about myself and my life. I don't know if I'll start blogging on a more constant basis, and I don't want to make that promise, but I wanted to blog about this day because I want to be able to look back on a day that isn't going so great and read this and remember that there are good days out there to be had. All it takes is a smile.


If you can't laugh...

...the days are just too long

Day Sixteen... (Love - Hate)

Wannabe

Today is supposed to be a song that I used to love but now hate. For this day I chose "Wannabe" by The Spice Girls. Hahaha. I used to listen to that song on repeat constantly. I think some of us actually learned and memorized the dance moves to the entire song. I was in 5th grade during the boy band, girl band, pop singer era. Looking back on those day scares the hell out of me. Thank God I grew up and learned what good music really is.


"Slam your body down...

...and zigazig ah..."

Spice Girls

Day Fourteen... (Unexpected Love)

This one is a toss up between "23" by Jimmy Eat World and "Be Yourself" by Audioslave. Not many people would expect me to like these songs because I consdier both of these bands to be under the "whiny" category of music. I was play "23" in my car the other day when I was working, and my boss' daughter was shocked that I actually liked that song. My musical dislikes are very well known. It's what I like that people are surprised by.

Be yourself



23

Never iron a four-leaf clover... you don't want to press your luck... (March)

Shows watched in March 2011

• E.R.
• Law and Order SVU
• Boy Meets World

 Movies watched in March 2011

• No Escape
• Bullworth
• Ransom
• White Men Can't Jump
• Simply Irresistible
• Working Girl
• Patriot Games
• Cop Out
• Easy A

Playlist of March 2011

• Lonely and Gone - Montgomery Gentry
• What was I thinkin' - Dierks Bentley
• Trying to Survive - by Montgomery Gentry
• Clouds - Montgomery Gentry
• Country Boy - Aaron Lewis
• Deify - Disturbed
• Overburdened - Disturbed
• Bad for Good - Montgomery Gentry

Birthdays of March 2011

• Ashley - 21 March 5
• Kristen - 21 March 9
• Uncle Woody March 10
• Me - 24 March 13
• Papa March 15

Accomplishments of March 2011

• 97% on my Police Report Writing midterm
• Made a plan to eat healthy (or at least try to)
• Finally got my hair cut... to most this might seem like a minor thing, but for me it was an accomplishment since I hadn't had it cut in over a year and some of the money came out of my own pocket
• Didn't lose my temper a single time this month
• Gained more clarity about certain situations
• Have learned to live with what I got not what I want
• Turning 24

Grievances of March 2011

• Death of Grandma (March 3rd)
• The flushing of my cell phone
• No family reconciliation
• Found out I'm possibly diabetic (so pre-diabetic)
• Still haven't finished moving. Holy Hell.

Books

The Green Mile (All six volumes) - Stephen King
One for the money - Janet Evanovich
Running Man - Stephen King
Roadwork - Stephen King
Two for the dough - Janet Evanovich

Photo Memories of March 2011

R.I.P. Grandma

Amazing birthday card Aunt Dawn made for me...

The one surviving item of my poor flushed phone...

Margaritaville blender we used for my birthday to make pina coladas...

I'm no longer blonde... and it's really weird...

My birthday soda from my dad...

"Spring is natures way of saying...

...Let's party!"

Robin Williams

Day Thirty... (Missing You)

3/18/11

I miss my Uncle Larry. Todays picture was supposed to be of someone that I miss. And I miss him. I feel as though my time was cut short. There are a lot of feelings surrounding the death of my Uncle Larry that I'm still not ready to talk about even though it's been quite some time now. Maybe some day I'll be able to open up to someone and let it all out. But today is not that day. Love you Uncle Larry. Miss you.

"Parting is all we know of heaven...

...and all we need to know of hell."

Emily Dickinson

It's my party and I'll cry if I want to...

24yrs ago...

Well, it's my birthday. I am now officially 24 years old. Kinda freaking out a little. I feel as though I should have so much more accomplished, but I guess it will all fall into place when it's supposed to. I plan on spending today with my amazing family, having lunch with my wonderful mommy and my awesome Aunt Dawn, then drinking pina coladas with my mom and playing card games. Sadly I will have to finish the night with homework and I'm losing an hour thanks to daylight savings, but I will have an awesome day none-the-less. So happy frickin' birthday to me!

24(ish)yrs later...

(I will probably expand on this post later, but I am dead tired from working all day so I apologize for my lack of enthusiasm.)

Day Twenty... (Travel)

If I could travel to one place in the entire world, I'd choose Denmark. Not only is it beautiful, but I'm obsessed with windmills and my Danish heritage. Plus castles are simply gorgeous and I've always wanted to walk through one and see the insane amount of rooms and admire the architecture.

The traveler sees what he sees...

...The tourist sees what he has come to see. 
~G.K. Chesterton

Day Nineteen... (Little)



Hawaii '89



Solvang/Santa Ynez



Home. Rockin' the shit kickers...

 This "day" was insanely easy. My parents were camera crazy when I was younger so I have a million pictures to choose from. I limited the million down to three. Haha. But I think they represent me when I was little pretty well.

Day Seventeen... (Impact)

My Room

Even though my house has ended up looking like a shit hole (thanks to a few certain someone's), it has been my home since I was 17. I have created so many memories in my little house, good and bad, and having to leave it has been weighing heavy on my heart. I know it's going to be for the better, and my parents will finally be able to fix it up, rent it out, and make some money, but it's sad. No one (other than family) knows where I'm moving to, and I'm going to keep it that way for as long as I can. I'm going to try and start anew. I want to make new memories that are better and create healthy long-lasting relationships with people that I can actually trust, and I think moving out will help me do this. This is a huge thing that is happening and it definitely is impacting my life at the moment. I just hope for the best and am trying to move on without looking back.

Moving on is a simple thing...

...what it leaves behind is hard.

Day Sixteen... (Inspiration)

My Mom holding me...

I find my mom to be the most inspiring person I know. There are so many reasons that this woman is someone whom I look up to. She has been through so much in her life and has never wavered or taken a wrong path. She is the most honest and respectful person I've ever known. She has suffered through a lot of horrible things, seen many horrific events, and had to deal with me for many years. I can't comprehend how she did it all without falling off the beaten path, like I myself did a few too many times. I look up to her and some day hope that I will have the strength, independence, work-ethic, and smarts that she has. God already knows I have her personality down to a T.

I love you so much Mommy...

...Thanks for being such an inspiration in my life.

One Wish...

I used to watch home videos all the time. It was one of my favorite things to do. Especially when I wasn't going to be seeing my family until the next holiday.

I haven't watched a home video since Aunt Buddy died. I found it up in a cabinet I was cleaning and decided to pop it into the VCR just to see exactly what it was. It's starts with the year of 1990.

My family was big on taking pictures and filming random moments and especially holidays. As I'm sitting here I can't stop crying. I'm not really a cryer, so this isn't normal behavior for me nor do I know how to deal with it well.

I know I've brought this up and mentioned it before without going in to great detail, but I miss my family so much. The dead and the living. Two days ago (March 3rd), marked the 17th anniversary of my Grandma's passing. The first one in my family (for my generation) to leave us. So my emotions may be running a little high right now or I'm simply finally giving into the pain I've been feeling for so long now. I wish things would go back to how they were. When everyone was happy and together and all you felt was love and compassion; like a real family ought to. I guess that's just too much to ask for now with all that has happened.

My birthday is coming up. 8 days and counting. I'll be 24. 17yrs ago my world was flipped upside down when my Grandma died. About another 10yrs later my Uncle was taken away from this place by a drug overdose (if that's not bad enough his body was discovered in a ditch up on Hicks Rd.) In 2004 my Uncle Larry passed. He was my best friend; but that's a story for another day. In 2005 one of my dear friends took his own life by hanging himself. He was only 19. In 2009 my Aunt Buddy died through no fault of her own. Within my (almost) 24yrs on this earth I have seen these people (plus a few more) come in and out of my life. The pain is unbearable.

On March 13th I will be 24yrs old. My one wish I'm going to make when I blow out those candles is I hope one day I will again feel that love and compassion once more and hopefully remember what being a family is all about.

It's never something you get over...

...It's just something you learn to live with.

Day Fourteen... (Never Without)

My mom sporting the glasses I bought her on her 50th birthday...

I could never imagine my life without my mom. She has been there for me through everything, put up with me during my teenage years (and trust me, I wish I didn't have to put up with myself during those years), she never lies to me, she always treats me with respect, and she is the most honorable person I know. My mom means the world to me and I love her more than anything.

Here's to you Mommy...

...thank you for all you've done.

Day Thirteen... (Band)

My favorite band of all time used to be Brooks and Dunn. They recently retired last year after 20yrs of performing and making amazing music. I cried like a little baby when I watched their farewell concert and didn't know what I was going to do with myself because their music was so important to me. But then I got reintroduced to the wonderful talents of Montgomery Gentry. Like Brooks and Dunn, these two are fantastic songwriters, singers, and country music artists. I'm so glad to have the ability to listen to music like theirs. Their songs make my days so much better.



Perfect picture. Kix Brooks, Gentry, Montgomery and Ronnie Dunn.

 I love me a man in a cowboy and jeans...

...and the fact that they can sing makes it that much better.

Day Twelve... (Love)

I love being at the beach with a book in one hand and a nice cold drink in the other. Most people use drugs to escape from their own reality, but I've always preferred to use books as my escape. Even when I used drugs, I still preferred books. I love getting lost in the written word. And I love being at the beach where everything smells fresh and unpolluted and all you see for miles is beautiful water and sand. And as for that cold drink... Either a nice cold beer, soda, or yummy pina colada will suffice.

The cure for anything is salt water...

...sweat, tears, or the sea.

Betrayal is the only truth that sticks...



My bulletin board of pics throughout the years

 I am addicted to pictures. I am addicted to taking them, posting them, and looking at them. I love having pictures of my family from every special event and even random moments when someone just happened to have a camera.



Jason, Kristen, and Me

 I also hate pictures. I hate looking at the happy moments I had with my family. I hate having to be reminded that everyone was happy once upon a time. I hate seeing all the smiling faces of the loved ones who have long since passed.

I hate having my heart break into a million little pieces because I no longer have family to talk to. I miss them more than they know and more than I'm willing to ever admit.

I was going to post something about this a while ago, but I knew that I shouldn't until my anger subsided to the point of where I could at least control it. A lot of things happened between certain family members and the consequences have been detrimental. I don't miss certain people and I for sure as hell don't miss the people we've all become. But I do miss certain people and the way they used to be.



Me and Dad

 Every night I spend a few hours scanning pictures into my computer so I can upload them onto various picture sites and then save them on my flash drive. Every night I hold back the tears of anger, hurt, pain, and solitude that I feel when I look at all the happy faces. Every night I think of how it used to be and how much I wish it could be again. Every night I pray that I'll wake up the next morning and it will have all been a horrible nightmare.


Every morning I wake up...

...and realize that the nightmare is just beginning.

Few of my Favorite Pictures:

Grandma's backyard...

Me and Ashley at Aunt Connie's...

Me and Jason Christmas '05

Me and Jason in Santa Cruz...

Me and Jason out in the Midwest

Our Tents and Transportation

Proud Great Uncle and Great Auntie holding Jason

Jason building forts...

Day Eleven... (Hatred)

Today's picture is supposed to be of something I hate the most. Well, the thing I hate the most is hate. And love. I was raised to never say hate. Because it's a very strong and hurtful word. That may be true. But what most people don't realize is that in order to hate something/someone, you must love that something/someone also. You can't hate something/someone without having some kind of emotional attatchment. Hate requires passion, just like love does. And that just pisses me off. There is only one person in this world that I absolutely hate with a fiery passion. (There's that word again. Passion.) There are a few people who I have no emotional feelings towards. Those feelings are so far beyond hate, it can't be expressed. Those people have been deemed as worthless in my mind. But I hate hate and love. They are such intense emotions whether good or bad. This may be incredibly cynical of me but i'm just keeping shit real. Don't get me wrong, I love love, but I hate when it breaks your heart into a million little pieces so many times the pieces are too small to pick back up.