Musical Turbulence...



This is my dad. Hard to believe if you've met him. But yes, my dad.



I know I haven't been around lately and I apologize for my absence, but sadly this post is about nothing special and I won't be around for a little while longer due to the large amount of things that are happening right now. But anyways... I digress.

This post is totally random and was brought up in a topic of conversation the other day with my friend and I thought I'd write a post about it. Everyone, especially these days, listens to music almost constantly. From what I gather, most people have a different song or genre of music they listen to depending on their mood.

No one believes me when I say that I have a SPECIFIC song for each individual mood I may be in. And no one believes me when I say that I listen to practically anything as long as it touches my soul. I grew up listening to country, Motown, 60's and 70's pop/bubblegum music from my mom; old country from my grandma; classic rock, blue grass, soul/blues from my dad; alternative and rock from my uncle; and of course the pop music from my childhood/peers. I personally lean more towards country on a regular basis, but like I said, it depends on my mood. I even have a song picked out that I want to be played at my funeral/memorial service.

People that know me extremely well can tell exactly what mood I'm in just by listening to the song that I have blasting out of my speakers. I like my tunes LOUD.

So if you are ever stuck with me and there happens to be a stereo around and you want to know exactly how I'm feeling here's a key list to figuring it out:

Content: Free Bird by Lynyrd Skynyrd
Happy: World Spins Madly On by The Weepies
Ecstatic: My Kinda Party by Jason Aldean
Pissed: Fray by Staind
Angry: Tourniquet by Marilyn Manson
Depressed: I Shall Believe by Sheryl Crow
Dead (funeral song): The Chain by Fleetwood Mac
Lonely: It's Getting Better All the Time by Brooks and Dunn
Pity Party: 23 by Jimmy Eat World
Excited: Need You Now by Lady Antebellum (Dance Remix)
Fun/Joyful: I Got Drunk by Montgomery Gentry
Confused/Out of it: House of the Rising Sun by The Animals
2am: The Mixed Tape by Jacks Mannequin
I also have songs that remind me of something or someone that affected me greatly at one point in my life...

When my cat Mooshu died: 13 Angels by Corrosion of Conformity
When my mom's cat Julie died: Deadwood Mountain by Big and Rich
When Nancy and I would go to Santa Cruz to get away from the boys: Dragula by Rob Zombie
Uncle Lee: anything by Sade
Aunt Buddy: Somewhere Over the Rainbow (the Hawaiian version)
Max: Colorblind by The Counting Crows
Uncle Larry: Now You're Talkin' by Montgomery Gentry
Jonny: The More I Drink by Blake Shelton

Well I hope this post is enjoyed and you have learned more about me and my moods. I'm a very complex person and sometimes I confuse myself. Until next time...






Music speaks what cannot be expressed, soothes the mind and gives it rest, heals the heart and makes it whole...

...flows from heaven to the soul.

Sum of all Tears...

So I kicked the New Year off at my Aunt and Uncles house, playing cards, laughing, enjoying the company that surrounded me, so on and so on...

I sent out my usual holiday text messages to family and friends and of course received responses right away. We continued to play cards (Hand and Foot to be exact) and then I received a message from my cousin. I stopped dead in my tracks. She informed me that her daughter, (my 24yr old cousin), has been diagnosed with ovarian cancer. She's 24 and is going to have to have a full hysterectomy. She will never be able to have children of her own. Will have to deal with radiation and chemo. And of course have to deal with the fact that she has cancer.

I would NEVER wish something horrible as cancer upon anyone. It was the worst way to start a New Year. There have been so many problems going on with my family lately (drama) that this was the straw the broke the camels back for me with my level of stress. Soon after receiving this horrible news, I was then informed that my Uncle was taken to the hospital because he was having breathing problems again. (I'm actually sitting in the hospital right now as I type this).

Further developments have informed us that my cousin has many options to get rid of this death ticket, but it's still so scary and heart breaking. My uncle will be okay (okay as one can be when they have emphysema, cancer, and COPD) because it's simply his COPD kicking into overdrive.

My mom is convinced that our family is cursed. I'm starting to believe it myself. Statistically we lose one family member every 1-2 years. It's a sad but true fact. All I can do is pray for the health of my family and hope that everyone has the best year of 2011 that they can.

It'd be nice if people could let go of the small things and realize that family is all  you have in the end, and holding grudges isn't going to help anyone in anyway. I miss the family that I've lost due to death, and I miss the family that I've lost due to immature quarrels. A family shouldn't be divided, especially in times of despair.

So this one's to you all of my family and loved ones. I wish things were different and loyalty was still there. I miss you all and the way it used to be. Maybe someday it'll be okay again.

(Ovarian Cancer) It whispers...

...so listen

New Beginning...

My Year in 2010

I'm not really one for making resolutions because for me they don't tend to stick. I'm a very cynical person who likes to go against the grain and social rules as much as possible so bear with me and my bitchiness. There are a lot of things that I would like to change, call them resolutions if you'd like, but I call them life decisions in order to better myself. They are as follows...

• Get my ass in shape
• Graduate with my A.S. degree in AJ
• Move on to obtaining my Bachelors in AJ or Law
• Remove all of the poisonous people from my life who only cause me pain and large amounts of drama and stress
• Not have a kidney stone ever again
• Help my parents in every way I can (especially to not lose the house)
• Get a job that actualy pays decent money
• Apply at SJPD
• Respect myself and not let others attempt to bring me down
• Work on my anger issues
• Go to the Garlic festival in Gilroy
• Travel on a train for the first time
• Reinstate Scary Movie Night
• Learn Spanish again before it completely vacates my brain
• Appreciate the things I have in life
• Live, Laugh, Love

The object of a New Year is not that we should have a new year...

...It is that we should have a new soul.

2010: The year in full...

I have taken this idea of writing about all of the things (whether good or bad) that have happened over the past year from someone I have known my whole life. I want to dedicate this post to Camilla. She has been such an inspiration to me in more ways than one. If it wasn't for her and the things she so boldly and delicately writes about I wouldn't have had the courage or motivation to do so myself. I have found writing a blog, regardless of whether or not anyone reads it, has been incredibly helpful to me in many ways. The biggest way is that I can express how I feel without fear, get all of my feelings out in the open, and I don't have to worry so much about flying off the handle and losing my temper. So, Camilla, thank you for being such an inspiration to me and I'm sure many many others; and thank you for being such a wonderful person. I'm glad that we have reconnected in some way (through facebook or blogging). It was a joy to be your friend growing up and it's just as much if not more of a joy and enthrallment to have you as a friend now after so many years. So here's to you, Camilla, and all of my other readers... Happy New Year! and enjoy reading about my year in 2010...

• Opened the year in an abusive relationship surrounded by drugs and dishonest people
• Learned the meaning of a true friend
• Lost a loved one, a best friend, and the love of my life
• Gained new respect and understanding for myself and the world in which I live
• Received A's in my classes
• Am that much closer to fulfilling my dreams of being a police officer
• Learned how to shoot a gun
• Reconnected with old friends and family
• Dealt with the toughest times I've ever faced but continue to power through
• Got five different jobs after being unemployed for two years
• Won the battle of good versus evil in my own head
• Quit smoking and stopped all forms of drug intake
• Continued to develop my cooking skills
• Visited Cottonwood for the first time and saw everyone's head stones
• Alphabetized my movies (over 520 of them)
• Cleansed myself of all of the poisonous things and bad karma in my life
• Took as many pictures as possible to capture all the moments
• Turned 23 and had a jump house
• Went camping and was attacked by ninja raccoons
• Discovered Palo Alto has a zoo
• Only had two kidney stones instead of the normal five/year
• Made new friends that I actually trust and respect
• Closed the year with self respect, people I love and that are loyal, and have a new outlook on what's important and what exactly it is that I want

I haven't done many elaborate amazing things in my life, but I have come a long way from where I was at the beginning of the year. There have been many obstacles in the past 365 days and it has been a giant struggle to get through them. I am sure there are many more obstacles and problems to come, but I will continue to do my best to make it through and helping those I love along the way. So I welcome 2011 with open arms and hope it brings about happiness and tranquility for everyone out there.




The bad news is time flies...

...the good news is you're the pilot


HAPPY NEW YEAR!