March 31, 2011

Day Ten... (Fall Asleep)

Once again any Brooks and Dunn song will make me fall asleep if need be, but the song I use most to fall asleep is "Quicksand" by Bethany Joy Galeotti. I have that song on every musical device I own, but I most commonly listen to it on my phone so I can have it right  near my face on listen to it on repeat. Her voice is amazing and the song itself is beautiful and soothing.


"I know the truth...'s just getting hard to believe it."

Bethany Joy Galeotti

March 30, 2011

Day Nine... (Dance)

Time Warp

Okay, dancing is something that I don't do. Not even chair dancing. It's just something I avoid at all costs. I don't know why, but it's how I am. Apparently that gene didn't get passed down to me, because everyone else in my family has absolutely no problem with dancing. The ONLY song I have ever voluntarily danced to is "The Time Warp" from the Rocky Horror Picture Show. This hell-must-have-frozen-over event occurred at my friend Becky's sweet 16 birthday party when Nancy decided it would be fun for her and me to dance to that song and see how many people would join in. Never again have I voluntarily danced. Other than the occasional wild hair up my ass that has made me bust out a couple moves walking down the hallway dancing to some classic rock music, but I wouldn't actually call what I did dancing. Ha. Ever since dancing to The Time Warp, whenever I here it I feel the urge to get up and relive that moment.

March 29, 2011

Day Eight... (All Words)

Well, there isn't a single Brooks and Dunn song that I don't know all the words to, but my favorite song to sing to that I definitely know all of the words to would have to be "Country Boy" by Aaron Lewis (lead singer of Staind). I first heard this song about a week ago and I immediately fell in love with it. I have listened to it so many times in such a short period I'm not surprised I've already remembered all the words to it.

Country Boy

"And I like my jeans and my old t-shirts...

...and a couple extra pounds never really hurt."

Aaron Lewis

March 28, 2011

Day Seven... (Rememberance of Certain Event)

Son's Gonna Rise

I don't really have a certain event such as graduation, a funeral, a wedding, a party, or anything substantial like that that a certain song reminds me of. The one event that sticks out most in my life that a song has any representation of would be "Son's Gonna Rise" by Citizen Cope. The first time I heard this song, it was by accident. I didn't know that it was on my mp3 player. To this day I still don't know how the song got on there, but when I heard the song, driving in my car at 1am, all of a sudden everything seemed to make sense. It was the biggest moment of clarity and serenity I had ever had. Plus, it turns out, it's just a great damn song. And it was on my favorite show, One Tree Hill.

"You can't stop it God...

...the wheels in my hand as I stand on the floor of the board of this car on the road."

Citizen Cope

March 27, 2011

Day Six... (Rememberance Song of Somewhere)

This may sound ridiculous but the one song that reminds me of somewhere would have to be "Escape" by Rupert Holmes (people know this as the pina colada song). Every time I'd go down south (Carmel and Capitola) with my mom and usually my cousin Kristen we'd listen to Pina Coladas on repeat and sing our heads off. Good times.


"Do you like pina coladas...

...and getting caught in the rain"

Rupert Holmes

March 26, 2011

Day Five... (Rememberance Song of Someone)

I have two rememberance songs. One for remembering the deaths of loved ones and the other for remembering the loss of people whom I used to love.

The first song I listen to whenever someone dies. I don't know why I listen to it, it makes me sad and depressed, but it also makes me feel better in a way, and calms me down. This song is "13 Angels" by Corrosion of Conformity.

13 Angels

One lifetime gone and now your soul is dead...

...the angels just shake their heads.

Corrosion of Conformity

The second song reminds me that in the end everything will work out and shit happens for a reason. This song is "Getting Better All the Time" by Brooks and Dunn.

My men. I cried during their entire farewell concert...

"I think I'm gonna make it 'cause God won't make a mountain I can't climb...'s getting better all the time."

Brooks and Dunn

March 25, 2011

Day Four... (Sad Song)

My Boys, Montgomery and Gentry. Montgomery wrote this song about his dad and his son...

The song that makes me the saddest is "Clouds" by Montgomery Gentry. It makes me sad in a surreal way. Every word of the song pulls at my heart strings so hard I'm scared they're going to break. The song is about loved ones looking down on you from heaven. All in all it's a wonderful song. But if you listen to it you need to have a box of tissues right next to you.

"I hate sunny days nothing but empty blue skies... I pray Ohh how I pray for clouds."

Montgomery Gentry

March 24, 2011

Day Three... (Happy Song)

Living Dead Girl

My Happy song would have to be "Living Dead Girl" by Rob Zombie. The song in itself may not be very "happy" but when I hear that song I think of good times. When Nancy and I would take off and head to Santa Cruz we'd listen to that song. I can't think of a better time then hanging out with my best friend and having no thoughts of stress or life.

"Who is this irresistible creature...

...who has an insatiable love for the dead."

Rob Zombie

March 23, 2011

Day Thirty... (Missing You)

I miss my Uncle Larry. Todays picture was supposed to be of someone that I miss. And I miss him. I feel as though my time was cut short. There are a lot of feelings surrounding the death of my Uncle Larry that I'm still not ready to talk about even though it's been quite some time now. Maybe some day I'll be able to open up to someone and let it all out. But today is not that day. Love you Uncle Larry. Miss you.

"Parting is all we know of heaven...

...and all we need to know of hell."

Emily Dickinson

Day Twenty-Nine... (Smile)

3/17/11 Driving through Los Gatos with Glowsticks
This picture makes me smile because, honestly, who doesn't love glowsticks? This was taken after my cousin's 18th birthday party and I decided to go driving through downtown Los Gatos at 11pm. We had glowstick bracelets, necklaces, anklets, hats, balls, and an earring that I made. A totally great night. One that I'll never forget.

"Life is something that everyone...

...should try at least once."

Henry J. Tillman

Day Twenty-Eight... (Fear)

Day Twenty Eight... This picture is supposed to represent something that I'm afraid of. For this day I choose a picture of being alone. I am most afraid of being alone. I have had separation anxiety for many years now because of certain things I've gone through in my life. I'm scared that I am going to end up either completely alone, no family or friends, or I'll end up as that crazy cat lady who sits on the porch yelling at little kids all day. Hahaha. That option just cracks me up. But really, being alone scares the shit out of me.

I am not alone...

...because loneliness is always with me.

Day Twenty-Seven... (Family Member)

Todays picture is supposed to be of myself and a family member. That's easy...     (3/15/11)

Janelle, Tanya, Josh, Aunt Connie, Uncle Gaylon, Grandma, Mom, Jason, Me, Brandi

Ashley and Me

Me and Aunt Buddy

Me and Dad

Grandma, Bobo (the dog from hell), and Me

Me and Great Grandma

Jason and Me
Me and Uncle Lee
A family is a patchwork of personalities...

...tied together with heart strings.

Day Twenty-Six... (Meaningful)

3/14/11 Hoping this will be my next project

So today's picture is supposed to be of something that means a lot to me. Not someone, but something. So an inanimate object... hmm... I guess I would have to say my most meaningful something is... (oh man, this is so hard. I have so many things that I love and cherish)...  I'm gonna have to go with my sewing. My Grammy taught me how to sew when i was 10-11 years old and it's something that has stuck with me my whole life. I turned little sewing projects into huge pieces of art. And I am so frickin' Anal Annie when it comes to my sewing.

Day Twenty-Five... (My Day)

3/13/11 The amazing Margaritaville Blender

So I was so completely excited for this day. It was supposed to be a picture of your day, and it just so happened to land on my birthday. However, I lost almost all the pictures from my birthday because I accidentally (no matter what others are saying) flushed my phone down the toilet at Applebees before transferring my pics to my computer. Now, when I say I flushed my phone, I mean I FLUSHED my phone. It didn't just fall in the toilet and float. No, no. It went down the toilet into the drainage pipe and wherever toilet water goes from there. So sadly I only have a few pics from my wonderful 24th birthday. But it'll be a day I'll never forget.

"It takes a long time... grow young."


Day Two... (Least Favorite Song)

There are so many songs I hate and can't stand. I guess I'd have to say my absolute least favorite song is Back in the Saddle Again by Riders in the Sky. It's not that it's a bad song, it just drives me up the wall insane. Especially when they get going and start yodeling and then my dad has to attempt to join in and oh man, it's just all bad. Bad, bad, bad.

Yippee yi-ay...

...yippee yi-o.

March 22, 2011

Day One... (Favorite Song)


I have so many favorite songs. It all really comes down to my mood and what I feel like listening to at that particular moment in time. But I guess my all time favorite song, that I can listen to on repeat over and over again for hours on end, would have to be Fray by Staind. I can listen to it when I'm happy, pissed, sad, stressed, and even when I'm trying to fall asleep. It reminds me of what life is like sometimes and helps me calm down and get rid of those inner demons that make me want to lose my mind.

"So never again will I look back in vain...

...'cause today's not the past I don't need to re-live it."

Picture Addiction...

So I've become completely addicted to those 30 Day Picture Challenge things on facebook. (I of course choose to blog about them instead of posting them on facebook, but same difference). Anyways, I have found a few more of those challenges, some longer than 30 days, and have decided to continue to post blogs accordingly. I don't always know what to say, or in the case type, so these 30 Day challenges are a way of helping me release inner emotions that I otherwise am not able to do. So bear with me people, and if anything, do the challenge yourself.


...I just hope you enjoy my pictures from the world I live in.

March 20, 2011

Random Ramblings...

So I have been awake for almost 24hrs and not by choice. I have so many things on my mind that I need to get some of it off of my mind before I will even be able to close my eyes and think about sleep. So here goes with the most random thoughts...

1. I'm so tired of people asking me for my advice when they just turn around and go the complete opposite direction; and then complain about it because the outcome wasn't what they wanted.

2. This storm that's going on right now is freaking me out. I've always had this fear that the palm tree next door is going to crash through my wall and kill me. I HATE that palm tree. Not only do the stupid palm frawns fly off and hit my roof during stormy weather, but in the summer the squirrels like to climb up the tree and fuck (yes I said fuck) all day long while making this ear piercing squeaking noise. Stupid frickin' palm tree.

3. I can't get passed the pain that I'm feeling in my wrist. That I've been feeling in my wrist for well over a month. It really sucks not having medical insurance and not being able to find out if my wrist is broken. But i'll deal. Except the tiger balm is starting to make my eyes water because I accidentally rubbed it off onto my pillow. Whoops.

4. The possibility that I might be diabetic is scaring the living shit out of me. I've never had anything wrong with me to that extent and I just don't know how to feel about it.

5. The walls are finally starting to close in on me. The loneliness is creeping into my brain and my heart at a faster pace than ever before. I think it's just that time of  year when everything starts to unravel in my head and I think about all the losses in life and not having someone to talk to like I used to has just made it that much more difficult.

6. I want my package from amazon to arrive. I love getting birthday gifts. Especially when they consist of books and movies.

7. So much homework to do. I can't stop thinking about the different kinds of gun shot wounds, stab wounds, DNA evidence, livor and rigor mortis, and strangulations. (Lovely stuff I know. But that's what happens when you want to be a police officer).

Well, I guess that'll do for now. Hopefully this will help in relaxing my mind and get rid of the migraine I've been dealing with for three months. I guess I shall attempt sleep. Time to dream of sugar plum fairies dancing or whatever.

"I'm not asleep...

...but that doesn't mean I'm awake."

March 19, 2011

A.W.O.L. ...

Inside a hot-air balloon. Why? 'Cause it's amazing...

So I have performed a disappearing act lately. I have fallen far behind on my 30 Days posts and all other random things I normally talk about and I would like to apologize for my absence (not only to the few who read this blog, but also to myself for allowing all of my emotions and thoughts to once again bottle up inside of me. Things have been crazy lately with my birthday, the flushing of my cell phone down the toilet, and studying for finals. I promise to return shortly, and will be updating my 30 Days posts. (I'm what, seven days behind?) Hope everyone is doing well and enjoying this insanely awesome sunny then rainy weather (at least here in the Bay).

Do not fear that your life may end...

...fear that it may never begin.

March 13, 2011

It's my party and I'll cry if I want to...

24yrs ago...

Well, it's my birthday. I am now officially 24 years old. Kinda freaking out a little. I feel as though I should have so much more accomplished, but I guess it will all fall into place when it's supposed to. I plan on spending today with my amazing family, having lunch with my wonderful mommy and my awesome Aunt Dawn, then drinking pina coladas with my mom and playing card games. Sadly I will have to finish the night with homework and I'm losing an hour thanks to daylight savings, but I will have an awesome day none-the-less. So happy frickin' birthday to me!

24(ish)yrs later...
(I will probably expand on this post later, but I am dead tired from working all day so I apologize for my lack of enthusiasm.)

March 12, 2011

Day Twenty-Four... (Change)

This day takes the same path as day 21 (forget). If I were to change something, then I wouldn't be where I am today. There are a lot of things I would change such as my appearance or the way certain people act, but then things wouldn't be the way they are and like I said, everything happens for a reason. It's the whole butterfly effect. And that's something I don't ever plan on messing with. For once I'm actually respecting myself and doing the things I should be doing. I've gotten away from most of the bad things in my life and I think I have done enough "changing" for a while. I don't think people change. I think they grow up and move on and become better versions of themselves. If that's what they choose to do. You were born the person you're gonna be. It's all about the decisions that you make in life that determine where you end up.

Life is not a matter of milestones...

...but of moments.

Day Twenty-Three... (Book)

There's no way I could pick just one. I love Stephen King. I love his books, his movies, him, his wife's books, everything. I haven't read a Stephen King book I didn't like, and I've read at least 35 of them. If I had to choose one of them to be my absolute most favorite I guess it would be a toss up between Insomnia and Cell. For scare factor I would say Cell because when I was reading it, I refused to be anywhere near a cellphone. And things just don't scare me that much anymore.

"We make up horrors... help us cope with the real ones."

-Stephen King

Day Twenty-Two... (Better)

Something I wish I was better at (and I'm sure a lot of other people wish the same thing) is controlling my anger. If you know me at all, you know that I have serious anger issues. Not even anger as much as rage.  I get so angry sometimes that I actually black out and don't remember what just happened. I've been in a lot of fights, verbal and physical, and wish that I was better at letting things go and lowering my temper in a much more calm manner. I have been working on this for over a year now and have been doing pretty well. People used to actually use me to fight their battles for them because they knew that I had no problem with confrontation and I never back down. I won't lie, a lot of the time yelling and screaming at people (only those who deserve it) makes me feel better. Getting pissed off and screaming so loud my ear drums might pop and my heart is about to explode is a release for me. The problem with trying to let things go is that my anger continues to build up inside of me and I'm afraid one of these days I'm going to flip my lid and it ain't gonna be pretty. But like I said, I'm trying. And I will continue to try because being angry will only fuck with me and hinder my progression in life.

"Anger is never without a reason...

...but seldom with a good one."

-Benjamin Franklin

Day Twenty-One... (Forget)

So today's picture was supposed to be of something I would like to forget if I could. Well, there's nothing I'd like to forget. I mean, of course there are a lot of things I wish i could forget and wish never would've happened, but then I wouldn't be who I am today. I am a firm believer in everything happens for a reason, and if I were to forget any little thing then that could possibly change the outcome of where I've ended up. So forgetting something isn't a path I'd like to travel. Even though there are a lot of something I wish never happened, I'm better for it because I remember.

Sometimes we're forced into directions...

...we ought to have found for ourselves.

March 8, 2011

Day Twenty... (Travel)

If I could travel to one place in the entire world, I'd choose Denmark. Not only is it beautiful, but I'm obsessed with windmills and my Danish heritage. Plus castles are simply gorgeous and I've always wanted to walk through one and see the insane amount of rooms and admire the architecture.

The traveler sees what he sees...

...The tourist sees what he has come to see. 
~G.K. Chesterton

March 7, 2011

Day Nineteen... (Little)

Hawaii '89

Solvang/Santa Ynez

Home. Rockin' the shit kickers...
 This "day" was insanely easy. My parents were camera crazy when I was younger so I have a million pictures to choose from. I limited the million down to three. Haha. But I think they represent me when I was little pretty well.

Day Eighteen... (Insecure)

Throughout this blog I have tired my damnedest to be completely open, honest, and no holding back... But for this "day" I can't follow through. My biggest insecurity is myself. For many reasons. Mainly physical appearance, but also my own mind sometimes makes me insecure. I don't feel comfortable going into detail about it. Not now, and maybe not ever. There are things about how I feel about myself that I will keep secret all the way to my grave. Maybe someday I'll be willing to open up just a little. This blog seems like the perfect place to do it.

Beginnings are scary. Endings are usually sad...

... but it’s the middle that counts the most.

March 6, 2011

Day Seventeen... (Impact)

My Room
Even though my house has ended up looking like a shit hole (thanks to a few certain someone's), it has been my home since I was 17. I have created so many memories in my little house, good and bad, and having to leave it has been weighing heavy on my heart. I know it's going to be for the better, and my parents will finally be able to fix it up, rent it out, and make some money, but it's sad. No one (other than family) knows where I'm moving to, and I'm going to keep it that way for as long as I can. I'm going to try and start anew. I want to make new memories that are better and create healthy long-lasting relationships with people that I can actually trust, and I think moving out will help me do this. This is a huge thing that is happening and it definitely is impacting my life at the moment. I just hope for the best and am trying to move on without looking back.

Moving on is a simple thing...

...what it leaves behind is hard.

Day Sixteen... (Inspiration)

My Mom holding me...
I find my mom to be the most inspiring person I know. There are so many reasons that this woman is someone whom I look up to. She has been through so much in her life and has never wavered or taken a wrong path. She is the most honest and respectful person I've ever known. She has suffered through a lot of horrible things, seen many horrific events, and had to deal with me for many years. I can't comprehend how she did it all without falling off the beaten path, like I myself did a few too many times. I look up to her and some day hope that I will have the strength, independence, work-ethic, and smarts that she has. God already knows I have her personality down to a T.

I love you so much Mommy...

...Thanks for being such an inspiration in my life.

March 5, 2011

One Wish...

I used to watch home videos all the time. It was one of my favorite things to do. Especially when I wasn't going to be seeing my family until the next holiday.

I haven't watched a home video since Aunt Buddy died. I found it up in a cabinet I was cleaning and decided to pop it into the VCR just to see exactly what it was. It's starts with the year of 1990.

My family was big on taking pictures and filming random moments and especially holidays. As I'm sitting here I can't stop crying. I'm not really a cryer, so this isn't normal behavior for me nor do I know how to deal with it well.

I know I've brought this up and mentioned it before without going in to great detail, but I miss my family so much. The dead and the living. Two days ago (March 3rd), marked the 17th anniversary of my Grandma's passing. The first one in my family (for my generation) to leave us. So my emotions may be running a little high right now or I'm simply finally giving into the pain I've been feeling for so long now. I wish things would go back to how they were. When everyone was happy and together and all you felt was love and compassion; like a real family ought to. I guess that's just too much to ask for now with all that has happened.

My birthday is coming up. 8 days and counting. I'll be 24. 17yrs ago my world was flipped upside down when my Grandma died. About another 10yrs later my Uncle was taken away from this place by a drug overdose (if that's not bad enough his body was discovered in a ditch up on Hicks Rd.) In 2004 my Uncle Larry passed. He was my best friend; but that's a story for another day. In 2005 one of my dear friends took his own life by hanging himself. He was only 19. In 2009 my Aunt Buddy died through no fault of her own. Within my (almost) 24yrs on this earth I have seen these people (plus a few more) come in and out of my life. The pain is unbearable.

On March 13th I will be 24yrs old. My one wish I'm going to make when I blow out those candles is I hope one day I will again feel that love and compassion once more and hopefully remember what being a family is all about.

It's never something you get over...

...It's just something you learn to live with.

March 4, 2011

Day Fifteen... (Before I Die)

Before I die, I want to drive a Nascar car on the biggest race track in the world. I want to feel what it's like to drive above 200mph without a care in the world. I want to know what it feels like to haul ass and feel the rush of adrenaline that you get when you're going so fast one wrong twitch can end your life. I've always wanted to drive without rules. I want to drive the wrong way on a one way street, or in reverse down the freeway, and do doughnuts on the off-ramp. This probably isn't something that a lot of people would want to do before they die, but what can I say... There's nothing I love more than hopping in my car, turning on my music as loud as it will go without blowing out the speakers, and driving anywhere.

"We are the only profession that goes looking for trouble....

...Where else can you drive the wrong way on a one-way street at 60 miles-per-hour?"

-Police on Patrol, The other side of the story by Linda Kleinschmidt

Day Fourteen... (Never Without)

My mom sporting the glasses I bought her on her 50th birthday...
I could never imagine my life without my mom. She has been there for me through everything, put up with me during my teenage years (and trust me, I wish I didn't have to put up with myself during those years), she never lies to me, she always treats me with respect, and she is the most honorable person I know. My mom means the world to me and I love her more than anything.

Here's to you Mommy...

...thank you for all you've done.

March 2, 2011

Day Thirteen... (Band)

My favorite band of all time used to be Brooks and Dunn. They recently retired last year after 20yrs of performing and making amazing music. I cried like a little baby when I watched their farewell concert and didn't know what I was going to do with myself because their music was so important to me. But then I got reintroduced to the wonderful talents of Montgomery Gentry. Like Brooks and Dunn, these two are fantastic songwriters, singers, and country music artists. I'm so glad to have the ability to listen to music like theirs. Their songs make my days so much better.

Perfect picture. Kix Brooks, Gentry, Montgomery and Ronnie Dunn.
 I love me a man in a cowboy and jeans...

...and the fact that they can sing makes it that much better.

March 1, 2011

February is merely as long as is needed to pass the time until March...

Alright, well the time has come to post the events of the past month. Don't want to forget those things that happened that continue to help me grow and make me who I am. Plus all the good music I find myself listening to these days...
Playlist of February 2011
  • Be Yourself - By Audioslave
  • Fray - By Staind
  • Cold One Comin On' - By Montgomery Gentry
  • Cumbersome - By Collective Soul
  • Quicksand - By Bethany Joy Galeotti
  • Moving On - By Rascal Flatts
  • In the Ayer - By Flo Rida f. Will I Am
  • Son's Gonna Rise - By Citizen Cope
Shows of February 2011
  • Gilmore Girls
  • E.R.
  • One Tree Hill
  • The Cosby Show
  • Weeds
Movies of February 2011
  • Red
  • The Losers
  • Killers
  • Date Night
  • The Expendables
  • Conspiracy Theory
  • Fatherhood
  • Demolition Man
Accomplishments of February 2011
  • Joined and joined a few book clubs on there...
  • Set a goal of reading at least 2 books a month...
  • Getting good grades so far...
  • Keeping up with daily tasks...
  • Still continuing my move...
  • Moved on and passed things and people...
  • Obtained better control of my temper...
Grievances of February 2011

  • Family issues (still)
  • Broken heart
  • Drama that doesn't concern me
  • Dealing with past deaths
  • Still haven't finished moving
Birthdays of February 2011

  • Camilla
  • Max
  • Josh C.
Goals/Plans for March 2011
  • Celebrate my own birthday (24)
  • Remember the loss of a loved one loved ones
  • Continue getting good grades
  • Read whenever I can
  • Keep working so I can fix my car by summer
  • Don't sweat the small stuff
Photo Memories from February 2011

The card I made for Max when I was bored at the store and was given Sharpies...

My "half" of the money that Max won in Vegas when I told him to bet on Black 13 for me...

After having washed my hand three times from helping my dad snake the drainage pipes...

Amazing Lava Flow...

My "house" with almost everything moved out; The infamous hole from where I threw Jonny at the wall; and
Chelsea's part of the wall where she wrote down all of her favorite sayings...


My Uncle Larry. May you Rest In Peace...

"Winter is natures way of saying...
..."up yours" " -Robert Byrne