Not waiting around for the storm to pass...

I posted on here saying how this blog is to be used as a way of gaining strength. Being empowered to do anything, and try and shed some light on the things that seem most negative in life. I however am not a very positive, strong, empowered individual. Well, at least not all the time.

Life has taught me that it's not always going to be full of sunshine and rainbows. There will always be obstacles you must face whether you want to or not. For this is where i draw my strength from in knowing that whether or not I feel prepared to face something head on I have no choice but to go forth and do so. With that said, there are the days where I feel as though I am nothing. I have nothing, and I will never be able to have anything.

Today has started out as one of those days. A few years ago I started dating someone who I was completely and madly in love with. He was a drug addict/alcoholic. I supported him in every way I thought possible which included going to AA meetings with him on a daily basis. I myself am not really one for drinking so my attending these meetings was purely for moral support. Or at least that's what I thought.

I have met a lot of people in my life. The diversity is astonishing, not just in race and religion, but also in class (lower,middle, upper). At these meetings I met this man who had lost everything. His house, his friends, his family, his dauther, his hope, and his will to live. He turned to the bottle and the needle to try and fill that void we all sometimes feel. It of course didn't help. This man lives under a bridge in campbell with a few other people. They sleep next to each other for maximum warmth. He doesn't ask for money, ever, and when I tried to give him some he actually paid me back the next day from money he got from the recycling center. (I in turn spent the money on getting him coffee and some chips and a pack of smokes).

But the point is this man, who has no home, no family, lost all legal ability to see his daughter, made me understand the value of life. He told me "how would you know the good days if you didn't have the bad ones." That simple sentence coming from someone who once had given up hope on life and everything else changed the way of my thinking ever since.

So yeah, today has been an incredibly shitty day. Hell, this past year has been incredibly shitty. I may not always be strong, empowered, and have a cheery disposition. But I do know that having a bad day means eventually I'll have a good one and I'll actually know for a fact that it's good.
If anyone actually reads these things that I post, I want you to know it's okay to have a shitty day/week/month/year. Because eventually you'll have that one day that will be worth having had to put up with all those shitty ones to begin with. Negativity is a part of life. But without the negative there wouldn't be a positive.

So today I'm not waiting for the storm to pass...

...I'm learning how to dance in the rain

Reason

The reason for why I decided to name my blog S(HE)  BE(LIE)VE(D) was because that's what brought me to where I am today. I didn't make this blog so I can cry about what I've lost and wish I could go back and do things differently. No. I made this blog so I can remember the good, the bad, and what made me who I am today.

I've lost many things and many people in my life. Mostly for the better. I did believe. He did lie. To clarify he was a drug addict/alcoholic/compulsive liar who not only slept with my neighbor, cousin, some random chick, but also my best friend of 14yrs. Some of you may know who she is. But it doesn't matter.

I believed in the good in people. I believed everyone deserved a second chance. I believed karma would bring you the joy and happiness you deserved if you were bringing joy and happiness to the world yourself. He lied and showed me there isn't good in people. He lied and showed me no matter how many chances I give he will never change. He lied and showed me that karma will bite you on the ass for the smallest infidelity no matter the amount of good.

I went through a lot in the three years I was with him and those people. I stopped believing. I stopped believing in the human race. I stopped believing in my friends. I stopped believing in my family. I stopped believing in myself.

In the end it became me who was lying. I lied to myself about who he really was. I lied to myself about how a best friend would never do that to me. I lied to myself that I didn't care. I lied to myself that I wasn't worth it.

I digress...

Today I no longer lie. I only believe. I believe that I am worth it. I believe that I can do whatever I set my mind to. I believe that I will finish school, finish the academy, and follow my dreams and become a police officer. I believe that I can help people. I believe that one day I will have faith and trust again. Most importantly I believe in myself and will never let that be taken away again.

This blog is about strength, passion, understanding, and the ability to move on and do things for yourself/myself, and not letting anyone bring you/me down. I believe in following my dreams, living my life to the fullest, and doing what I want to do.

He did lie...

...but I still believe.