Don't Call it a Comeback...

I'm back...

Damn. It's been a long time. Guess I got caught up in life. Which I guess can be good and bad depending on how you look at it. 2011 was a crazy year to say the least. I can't believe how many things have happened this past year. 2011 was definitely a year full of downs which  I never thought would turn into ups, but, the ups did occur. I lost my best friend, the love of my life, and a few family members in a short period of time and to top it off I quit smoking (almost two years now) and both of my parents were hit hard by the economy and its issues.I was told I had a vitamin D deficiency and that I might be diabetic. My arthritis continues to get worse even though I'm not even 25 yet and every day I wake up with a migraine. In all hoensty I never thought it was going to get better. With every passing day nothing seemed to be getting better, but boy was I wrong. I got a few odd jobs which got me out of my "cave" i so frequently isolated myself in and put a little cash in my pocket. The cash in my pocket grew to be enough money to pay for the fixes needed on my car. I had never felt more like a real person then I did when i paid for my car ($1100) with my own hard earned money. Not long after I was hired at Radioshack which is where I am still working to this day (seven months and counting. That's a record for me). Even with things starting to look up I was more stressed than ever. Money was tight. Really tight. Scary tight. I would go to bed every night and pray to God that there would be some solution to help us keep our house. I wouldn't care if I had nothing left in this world but the clothes on my back and a few good memories to keep me going, but I didn't want my parents to lose something tha they worked their entire lives to achieve. If it wasn't for certain family members and friends, we would've lost everything. And we almost did. I only make so much working a minimum wage job and only have so much to give. Then the BEST news came. My moms social security came through. It was as if an anvil had been lifted off my chest and I could finally breathe again. Every month when the bills are due it's still a struggle but I have my faith restored that we'll be able to make it through. I don't wake up every morning wondering if I'm going to have a place to live the next day.

2011 may have started off on a sour note...

...but it for sure as hell ended on a sweet one.

Boredom prevails...

Coolest cell phone I've ever seen. And applies to the danger of my new discovery.

So I'm sitting here messing with my computer like I always do when I'm putting off doing my homework and I somehow discovered a way to send blog posts via my cell phone. Others have probably already figured this out so I apologize for being behind the rest of you fancy people.

This may be a dangerous finding because now, when I'm lying awake late at night, with all the thoughts running through my head that are keeping me from sleeping, I will be able to send them to my blog to be posted.

The danger in this situation comes from the fact that when I'm thinking late at night there is absolutely NO filter on what I say. This should be interesting.


The cure for boredom is curiousity...

...there is no cure for curiousity.

Guess we're not kids anymore... (Dear Jason)

Throughout our entire childhood we were best friends. Inseperable. Joined at the hip. You had my back ("Carolyn's a good girl") and I in turn always had yours. You taught me everything I know about life, guns, hockey, fishing, camping, all outdoor things. Hell, at one point you helped teach me how to ride a bike. I spent every waking minute possible hanging out with you. You were my world. My best friend. My partner in crime. My cousin.

Somewhere along the way everything changed. That was the day my soul broke. My heart shattered. And I forgot what life is supposed to be.

Now I don't blame you, I dont blame myself, I don't blame anyone. People grow up and grow apart. I just never thought that day would come. I know that I've talked to you about this before and you're trying and so am I, but it doesn't make the pain go away.

I wish I still had that best friend who always had my back. That best friend who I could call and talk to about anything. That shoulder to cry on when no one else would understand. I feel alone in the world with no one/where to turn to. I don't know how to fix the way that I feel and I can't go back and change anything that I've done. I can only stop myself from doing anymore damage in the future. I just don't think I can do it alone anymore.

I lost my best friend of 14yrs to dishonesty, back stabbing, and adultery with my bf. After that I lost all faith in people. I stopped trusting, believing, and caring for that matter. I don't want to be that person anymore. But I don't know how to move on.

I go through photo albums quite often and look at all the pictures of the family through the years. In the early years we were always together. So happy. Full of love and kindness and understanding. I miss those days. I will never forget those days. I know we can't go backwards, but if continuing on without you is my only option I don't think I'm strong enough.

I want you back in my life as more than just my cousin I see every now and then. Don't get me wrong I know that you're busy a lot and have your own life and so do I. But I want my best friend back. I want to be able to call you when I've had a bad day and have someone understand and be able to talk me off the ledge. I want you to be able to confide in me because more than anything I want to be there for you too when you're in need of a good venting. I just want it all back.

Well this turned into more of a letter than I was going for. Guess once I started I couldn't stop myself from letting it all out. It has taken me years to get this all out so it's been a long time coming. Just know that I love you. And I miss you. And a lot of times I need you.

We lived our lives together...in the beginning
We were there for each other... in the beginning
We shared our thoughts, feelings, and love with each other... in the beginning

But I guess we're no longer....

...in the beginning


(Love, Carolyn)