Photography Day Twenty-Five... Friends Forever.

Even though we've grown apart over the last few years, I still consider Nancy to be my best friend. We've been through a lot of shit together and apart but I've always been able to count on her. I wish I was able to see her more often, but growing up is sadly a part of life. I enjoy every time I am able to spend with her. She is one of the craziest, funniest, smartest, most loyal people I know and have ever known. Thank you Nancy for being such a positive impact on my life and the best friend anyone could ever ask for.

Nancy using me as a body pillow. Circa 2006

Photography Day Twenty-One... Stranger Danger.

Um. Today is supposed to be a picture of someone I don't know. I know there is a way to do this artistically and make it look all pretty and shit, but to me it's just creepy and I don't want to look as though I'm stalking someone taking a random photo. So I'm going to go the relative route. When you think about it, how well do you really know someone? You don't. So with that said I decided to take a picture of someone I do "know" but yet is still a mystery all the same...

Jonny passed out. Fucking stoner...

Using a picture of Jonny was the more than obvious way to go for me. We were together for over 2yrs, I've known him since I was 16, and yet there has never been someone to surprise me as much as he has. And not in a good way. Like I said, how well do you really ever know someone?

Smile...

So I'm still here. It seems as though I've dropped off the face of the earth, and honestly that's what it's felt like recently. I've been meaning to blog more but I guess that backfired on me completely and I haven't blogged at all. I know I said I was going to remedy this, but I haven't had to the want or drive to do so lately. Today I woke up with a smile. Turned out to be one of the best days I've had in years. And it wasn't as if anything special happened. I didn't win big money, get a great start to my career, graduate college, or figure out the meaning of life. Today I spent time with old friends. A friend from high school, a friend from my crazy years, and a friend from my childhood. It feels good to get out sometimes and be with those who you haven't seen in a long time that make you smile, laugh, and ask yourself why the hell you've been living in a cave for so long. Today was amazing because I got to laugh, relive great memories, feel love and friendship and compassion and most importantly feel good about myself and my life. I don't know if I'll start blogging on a more constant basis, and I don't want to make that promise, but I wanted to blog about this day because I want to be able to look back on a day that isn't going so great and read this and remember that there are good days out there to be had. All it takes is a smile.


If you can't laugh...

...the days are just too long

Guess we're not kids anymore... (Dear Jason)

Throughout our entire childhood we were best friends. Inseperable. Joined at the hip. You had my back ("Carolyn's a good girl") and I in turn always had yours. You taught me everything I know about life, guns, hockey, fishing, camping, all outdoor things. Hell, at one point you helped teach me how to ride a bike. I spent every waking minute possible hanging out with you. You were my world. My best friend. My partner in crime. My cousin.

Somewhere along the way everything changed. That was the day my soul broke. My heart shattered. And I forgot what life is supposed to be.

Now I don't blame you, I dont blame myself, I don't blame anyone. People grow up and grow apart. I just never thought that day would come. I know that I've talked to you about this before and you're trying and so am I, but it doesn't make the pain go away.

I wish I still had that best friend who always had my back. That best friend who I could call and talk to about anything. That shoulder to cry on when no one else would understand. I feel alone in the world with no one/where to turn to. I don't know how to fix the way that I feel and I can't go back and change anything that I've done. I can only stop myself from doing anymore damage in the future. I just don't think I can do it alone anymore.

I lost my best friend of 14yrs to dishonesty, back stabbing, and adultery with my bf. After that I lost all faith in people. I stopped trusting, believing, and caring for that matter. I don't want to be that person anymore. But I don't know how to move on.

I go through photo albums quite often and look at all the pictures of the family through the years. In the early years we were always together. So happy. Full of love and kindness and understanding. I miss those days. I will never forget those days. I know we can't go backwards, but if continuing on without you is my only option I don't think I'm strong enough.

I want you back in my life as more than just my cousin I see every now and then. Don't get me wrong I know that you're busy a lot and have your own life and so do I. But I want my best friend back. I want to be able to call you when I've had a bad day and have someone understand and be able to talk me off the ledge. I want you to be able to confide in me because more than anything I want to be there for you too when you're in need of a good venting. I just want it all back.

Well this turned into more of a letter than I was going for. Guess once I started I couldn't stop myself from letting it all out. It has taken me years to get this all out so it's been a long time coming. Just know that I love you. And I miss you. And a lot of times I need you.

We lived our lives together...in the beginning
We were there for each other... in the beginning
We shared our thoughts, feelings, and love with each other... in the beginning

But I guess we're no longer....

...in the beginning


(Love, Carolyn)