Photography Day Twenty-Nine... Look at me.

Today's pic: Something reflective. First thing that comes to my mind for something reflective is a mirror. This is a pic of Kristen taking a pic of partly the ocean in Carmel, but also of herself taking a pic of herself (never ending).

Good times...

Never iron a four-leaf clover... you don't want to press your luck... (March)

Shows watched in March 2011

• E.R.
• Law and Order SVU
• Boy Meets World

 Movies watched in March 2011

• No Escape
• Bullworth
• Ransom
• White Men Can't Jump
• Simply Irresistible
• Working Girl
• Patriot Games
• Cop Out
• Easy A

Playlist of March 2011

• Lonely and Gone - Montgomery Gentry
• What was I thinkin' - Dierks Bentley
• Trying to Survive - by Montgomery Gentry
• Clouds - Montgomery Gentry
• Country Boy - Aaron Lewis
• Deify - Disturbed
• Overburdened - Disturbed
• Bad for Good - Montgomery Gentry

Birthdays of March 2011

• Ashley - 21 March 5
• Kristen - 21 March 9
• Uncle Woody March 10
• Me - 24 March 13
• Papa March 15

Accomplishments of March 2011

• 97% on my Police Report Writing midterm
• Made a plan to eat healthy (or at least try to)
• Finally got my hair cut... to most this might seem like a minor thing, but for me it was an accomplishment since I hadn't had it cut in over a year and some of the money came out of my own pocket
• Didn't lose my temper a single time this month
• Gained more clarity about certain situations
• Have learned to live with what I got not what I want
• Turning 24

Grievances of March 2011

• Death of Grandma (March 3rd)
• The flushing of my cell phone
• No family reconciliation
• Found out I'm possibly diabetic (so pre-diabetic)
• Still haven't finished moving. Holy Hell.

Books

The Green Mile (All six volumes) - Stephen King
One for the money - Janet Evanovich
Running Man - Stephen King
Roadwork - Stephen King
Two for the dough - Janet Evanovich

Photo Memories of March 2011

R.I.P. Grandma

Amazing birthday card Aunt Dawn made for me...

The one surviving item of my poor flushed phone...

Margaritaville blender we used for my birthday to make pina coladas...

I'm no longer blonde... and it's really weird...

My birthday soda from my dad...

"Spring is natures way of saying...

...Let's party!"

Robin Williams

Day Six... (Rememberance Song of Somewhere)

This may sound ridiculous but the one song that reminds me of somewhere would have to be "Escape" by Rupert Holmes (people know this as the pina colada song). Every time I'd go down south (Carmel and Capitola) with my mom and usually my cousin Kristen we'd listen to Pina Coladas on repeat and sing our heads off. Good times.

Escape

"Do you like pina coladas...

...and getting caught in the rain"

Rupert Holmes

One Wish...

I used to watch home videos all the time. It was one of my favorite things to do. Especially when I wasn't going to be seeing my family until the next holiday.

I haven't watched a home video since Aunt Buddy died. I found it up in a cabinet I was cleaning and decided to pop it into the VCR just to see exactly what it was. It's starts with the year of 1990.

My family was big on taking pictures and filming random moments and especially holidays. As I'm sitting here I can't stop crying. I'm not really a cryer, so this isn't normal behavior for me nor do I know how to deal with it well.

I know I've brought this up and mentioned it before without going in to great detail, but I miss my family so much. The dead and the living. Two days ago (March 3rd), marked the 17th anniversary of my Grandma's passing. The first one in my family (for my generation) to leave us. So my emotions may be running a little high right now or I'm simply finally giving into the pain I've been feeling for so long now. I wish things would go back to how they were. When everyone was happy and together and all you felt was love and compassion; like a real family ought to. I guess that's just too much to ask for now with all that has happened.

My birthday is coming up. 8 days and counting. I'll be 24. 17yrs ago my world was flipped upside down when my Grandma died. About another 10yrs later my Uncle was taken away from this place by a drug overdose (if that's not bad enough his body was discovered in a ditch up on Hicks Rd.) In 2004 my Uncle Larry passed. He was my best friend; but that's a story for another day. In 2005 one of my dear friends took his own life by hanging himself. He was only 19. In 2009 my Aunt Buddy died through no fault of her own. Within my (almost) 24yrs on this earth I have seen these people (plus a few more) come in and out of my life. The pain is unbearable.

On March 13th I will be 24yrs old. My one wish I'm going to make when I blow out those candles is I hope one day I will again feel that love and compassion once more and hopefully remember what being a family is all about.

It's never something you get over...

...It's just something you learn to live with.

Betrayal is the only truth that sticks...



My bulletin board of pics throughout the years

 I am addicted to pictures. I am addicted to taking them, posting them, and looking at them. I love having pictures of my family from every special event and even random moments when someone just happened to have a camera.



Jason, Kristen, and Me

 I also hate pictures. I hate looking at the happy moments I had with my family. I hate having to be reminded that everyone was happy once upon a time. I hate seeing all the smiling faces of the loved ones who have long since passed.

I hate having my heart break into a million little pieces because I no longer have family to talk to. I miss them more than they know and more than I'm willing to ever admit.

I was going to post something about this a while ago, but I knew that I shouldn't until my anger subsided to the point of where I could at least control it. A lot of things happened between certain family members and the consequences have been detrimental. I don't miss certain people and I for sure as hell don't miss the people we've all become. But I do miss certain people and the way they used to be.



Me and Dad

 Every night I spend a few hours scanning pictures into my computer so I can upload them onto various picture sites and then save them on my flash drive. Every night I hold back the tears of anger, hurt, pain, and solitude that I feel when I look at all the happy faces. Every night I think of how it used to be and how much I wish it could be again. Every night I pray that I'll wake up the next morning and it will have all been a horrible nightmare.


Every morning I wake up...

...and realize that the nightmare is just beginning.

Few of my Favorite Pictures:

Grandma's backyard...

Me and Ashley at Aunt Connie's...

Me and Jason Christmas '05

Me and Jason in Santa Cruz...

Me and Jason out in the Midwest

Our Tents and Transportation

Proud Great Uncle and Great Auntie holding Jason

Jason building forts...

Day Eight... (Funny Pic)

So I narrowed it down to two pictures. Obviously. This was another hard "day" because there are sooo many funny pictures that have been taken in my lifetime. My family is full of humor, and we definitely love capturing those moments.

The first picture is of my cousin Kristens "surfer boy watching chair". When we were in Capitola at the beach house my cousin would get up nice and early in the morning, go out back, sit on the chair, grab her binoculars and watch the hot surfer boys out in the water. It's a good memory of fun times in the summer, at the beach, and with family. Plus it's just funny that my cousin would have a specified chair for such viewing pleasure.

The second picture is of my dad back in the day. I think it's from the 70's, but I could be full of shit. If anyone knows my dad, you know that he lacks what my mom and I consider to be any sense of humor what-so-ever, so this picture is funny for so many reasons.

I hope you enjoyed my "funny" pictures...

...I know I sure do everytime I look at them.

Day Two... (Closest)

This was the hardest day out of the 30 in my opinion. The assignment is to post a picture of the person you've been closest to the longest. The problem with that is the person I've been closest to the longest is either dead or dead to me. A lot has happened over the past few years. The death of a family member more often then one would believe, the loss of a best friend due to unforseen circumstances, and the betrayal of my closest family that can never be forgiven, and some relationships that have just faded away over the years. Other than my mom (and sometimes my dad) my good friend Nancy (from high school) would have to be the closest person to me. Her and I had some major ups and downs over the years, mainly because of me, but in the end she has always been there for me. For this I will always treasure our friendship.

My dad and I. Teaching me Giants are #1

Nancy using me as a pillow after playing Marvel V. Capcom for 10hrs straight.

Me, Ashley, Jason, Kristen

Me and Jason

Elliot, Me, and Jonny

Ashley and Me

So here's a look at some of the people that have come and gone (very few have stayed) closest to me in my life. I don't have any pictures of my beautiful mother with me on my computer, so that's the only reason she's being left out and I hope she will forgive me for that. Sorry Mom! Even though most have come and gone, I wouldn't trade those precious moments for anything. The good and/or the bad. All the moments in my life have made me who I am today. And I don't regret any of it.

So thank you for being a part of my life...

...even if only for a minute.