A word to the wise...



 I feel as though all I do now is get on here and write a blog about how I'm still here, I'm so busy, and I plan on writing more in the near future. Obviously I haven't fulfilled this goal of mine and obviously I'm here to write the same thing over again about still being here, being busy, and planning on writing more in the near future. I apologize to any of you (if there are any) who read this and have been waiting or have lost patience and have abandoned all hopes of me ever posting another blog. I hope in the very near future I will blog a lot more because God knows I have a shit load on my mind a lot that needs to be said. I will say one thing, I blog for me. If anyone takes anything away from what I write and uses it to their own benefit, that's awesome. I love helping people, relating to people, making people feel better and all that stuff... BUT I don't do this for people to go around having conversations about and make speculations. If you want to tell others about my blog because you think it's interesting and they should read it then by all means do so. But do NOT go around running your mouth about anything I say in here because you're "worried" about me or because you "assume" I said something that I didn't. I'm an adult and I think I have proven that time and time again as well as if you have something to say than you damn well better say it to my face. Nothing pisses me off more than people thinking I'm some little kid and when I say something "scandalous" my mom needs to be informed about it right away. Give me a fucking break. Everyone is more than welcome to leave comments (whether positive or negative) and I will respond. I will NOT tolerate people running their mouths about me without talking to me about it first. I have a huge problem with people who are too scared to confront me and go around letting gossip come from their loose lips. I know I'm talking in circles ranting and raving like a lunatic, but this shit has been pissing me off for some time now (basically since I started blogging). It's one of the main reasons I've been hesitant to write anything recently. Like I said before, I'm blogging for me. I love for people to read what I write whether you like what I have to say or not. But I don't need to feel as though I'm being judged for the things I say because I don't want to have to restrain myself from saying all the things that I want/need to say. If you think this is directed towards you, than that's your first mistake. Don't make assumptions. This blog post is directed to multiple people and the population in general. I hope y'all will continue to read my blog and that more and more people will start reading it as well.

I'm always going to be who I am...

...so quit trying to stop me.

Numb...

I feel numb. Literally, figuratively, all "ly's". Today has been a day of ups and downs starting with my pouring an entire cup of coffee down my stomach then trying to carry ten things at once and dropping my house keys before getting the door open. Things got better for a little while, I mean, it is my day off so there has to be some good to come of today, but then they went back to shit. I don't really feel like going into all of it right now because I am still a little too pissed off and I need to calm down before expressing my feelings through the written word, but yeah... Back to the numbness. In order to try and calm myself down and collect my thoughts I decided to go on a drive. I've explained in the past how driving helps me clear my head and ultimately make me forget the bull shit and relax. Tonight I went on a drive. In 57 degree weather with all the windows rolled down driving on the freeway in a tank top and shorts. As crazy as that all sounds, it definitely helped clear my mind. But also made me completely numb. I'm going to keep this post short and sweet because as I thaw out I'm starting to feel my anger build back up and I don't need that to happen again. There are so many things on my mind I haven't had time to sort through it all. I'm going to lose it pretty soon. With that said, I will definitely be posting some more rants and raves on here in the near future. (I know I said that a while ago, but I got busy with work. Yes, I actually have a real job. Crazy madness.) To those of you who still actually read this thing, thanks for being there for me through all my insanity and I hope y'all have a fabulous night!


Sometimes you are falling so slowly...

...you don't notice until you hit the ground.

Seeing Red...

So I have been posting something every day for the past couple of days, as well as posting my month of April thingy, and everything was fine and dandy. Yesterday I attempt to get onto blogger and they say they are experiencing problems and doing maintenance, blah blah blah. Well I finally get on here (obviously) and come to find out, that somehow two of my posts have been deleted. No idea where they went or why/how they disappeared. But *poof* they be gone. And now I'm pissed. I know something this small shouldn't make me pissed, but hey, what can I say, that's just who I am. So, I will be redoing and reposting both of those when I get a chance, but if they suddenly reappear and you see two of the same thing, I apologize for the repetition. Now I must go and have a calming "woosa" moment.

hummmmmmmmmmmmmmm, hummmmmmmmmmmmmmm

As you slide down the banister of life...

...may the splinters never point in the wrong direction

Day Twenty... (Angry)

The song I listen to the most when I'm angry is "Someday" by Flipsyde. It's not really an angry song but it seems to calm me down. However if I'm pissed I usually listen to either "Not Listening" by Papa Roach or "Get Psycho" by Disturbed. If you ever hear me listening to those songs it's best to stay away from me because there is no calming me down (but I am still working on it). But yay for Flipsyde! Got love the band from the Bay Area...

Someday

"Someday we gonna break free from these chains...

...and keep on flyin'"

Flipsyde

Random Ramblings...

So I have been awake for almost 24hrs and not by choice. I have so many things on my mind that I need to get some of it off of my mind before I will even be able to close my eyes and think about sleep. So here goes with the most random thoughts...

1. I'm so tired of people asking me for my advice when they just turn around and go the complete opposite direction; and then complain about it because the outcome wasn't what they wanted.

2. This storm that's going on right now is freaking me out. I've always had this fear that the palm tree next door is going to crash through my wall and kill me. I HATE that palm tree. Not only do the stupid palm frawns fly off and hit my roof during stormy weather, but in the summer the squirrels like to climb up the tree and fuck (yes I said fuck) all day long while making this ear piercing squeaking noise. Stupid frickin' palm tree.

3. I can't get passed the pain that I'm feeling in my wrist. That I've been feeling in my wrist for well over a month. It really sucks not having medical insurance and not being able to find out if my wrist is broken. But i'll deal. Except the tiger balm is starting to make my eyes water because I accidentally rubbed it off onto my pillow. Whoops.

4. The possibility that I might be diabetic is scaring the living shit out of me. I've never had anything wrong with me to that extent and I just don't know how to feel about it.

5. The walls are finally starting to close in on me. The loneliness is creeping into my brain and my heart at a faster pace than ever before. I think it's just that time of  year when everything starts to unravel in my head and I think about all the losses in life and not having someone to talk to like I used to has just made it that much more difficult.

6. I want my package from amazon to arrive. I love getting birthday gifts. Especially when they consist of books and movies.

7. So much homework to do. I can't stop thinking about the different kinds of gun shot wounds, stab wounds, DNA evidence, livor and rigor mortis, and strangulations. (Lovely stuff I know. But that's what happens when you want to be a police officer).

Well, I guess that'll do for now. Hopefully this will help in relaxing my mind and get rid of the migraine I've been dealing with for three months. I guess I shall attempt sleep. Time to dream of sugar plum fairies dancing or whatever.

"I'm not asleep...

...but that doesn't mean I'm awake."

Day Twenty-Two... (Better)

Something I wish I was better at (and I'm sure a lot of other people wish the same thing) is controlling my anger. If you know me at all, you know that I have serious anger issues. Not even anger as much as rage.  I get so angry sometimes that I actually black out and don't remember what just happened. I've been in a lot of fights, verbal and physical, and wish that I was better at letting things go and lowering my temper in a much more calm manner. I have been working on this for over a year now and have been doing pretty well. People used to actually use me to fight their battles for them because they knew that I had no problem with confrontation and I never back down. I won't lie, a lot of the time yelling and screaming at people (only those who deserve it) makes me feel better. Getting pissed off and screaming so loud my ear drums might pop and my heart is about to explode is a release for me. The problem with trying to let things go is that my anger continues to build up inside of me and I'm afraid one of these days I'm going to flip my lid and it ain't gonna be pretty. But like I said, I'm trying. And I will continue to try because being angry will only fuck with me and hinder my progression in life.

"Anger is never without a reason...

...but seldom with a good one."

-Benjamin Franklin

Day One... (Me)

My good friend Brianna started doing this 30 day picture challenge on Facebook. I thought it sounded like something fun to do, and would definitely help pass the time when I have nothing else going on. I'd rather do it on my blog than on Facebook, because I find blogging more real. So here goes...



Day One

(15 Facts)

1. I'm smarter than people think I am.
2. I'm more sensitive than I let on.
3. I miss my family more than anything.
4. I live life without regret.
5. My anger controls me more than I'd like.
6. I'm scared of being alone.
7. I was born on a Friday 13th.
8. I WILL be a police officer.
9. I drink Diet Pepsi like there's no tomorrow.
10. I trust no one...
11. ...Sometimes not even myself.
12. I'm addicted to tattoos.
13. I have a poor self-image.
14. I have a deathly-irrational fear of public speaking.
15. I highly believe in karma. The good and the bad.

Quotes for an eternity...



So I'm finally going to make my quote page. I have a long Blah Blah Blah description on the actual page itself, so I will try my hardest to keep this short and sweet (and be as least redundant as possible. ha. try being the keyword).

I have an obsession with quotes and things that I hear that have some kind of impact on my life at that present moment. I immediately write them down or text them to myself to record in a notebook that I have later on. This has been going on for years and years and it's becoming a hobby that somehow keeps me sane and occupied.

I have decided to combine the ones that I like/love the best (if i put them all down I'd be sitting here typing until the end of the next millennium) onto their very own page on my blog. I would love to hear what everyone else's favorite quotes are (this part is completely redundant, if not word for word) and what inspires you.

It amazes me how a few simple words put together in a sentence can make the shittiest day a great day and lift my spirits right back up and remind me that there is a reason for everything.

Well, I see this is getting a little long and I'm getting incredibly repetitive so I will leave it at this. Enjoy the quote page and I hope to hear from you.

"Life may not be what we hoped for...

...but while we're here we should dance."

There are no words...

So many things have been going on lately that there are no words to describe all of the things I am feeling. I did something really stupid tonight (not illegal or crazy. I just have a guilt gut about the little things and my guilt gut is about to kill me) but I can't talk about it for fear that it will get out and upset the people whom I love and care about most.

Everything seems to be happening all at once. The good and the bad. My family has gone to shit. Everyone is crazy, stressed, and depressed. School is getting down to the wire of being done. I'm hanging out with one of my really good friends again, who I think I'm starting to have feelings for again which scares me. For some reason I'm still in love with the one that got away (even though he treated me like the biggest piece of shit ever).

I'm confused. I'm hurt. I'm lost. I'm speechless with no words...

Things seem to be getting better with hanging out with my friend from the past. He's a great guy. I can be myself around him with no problem. But we have such a tumultuous history that I am afraid of what might happen so I don't want to get too close. I'm tired of having my heart broken repeatedly.

Losing my family has been absolutely horrible. And mostly horrible for my mom. But I won't put up with the bull shit anymore nor do I think anyone else should have to. I don't know what I did to one person in particular, especially since I've always been there for him, but honestly, kiss my ass is how I feel at the moment.

School is coming to an end which can be a good thing because I will be graduating, FINALLY, but I am scared to finally be thrown into the real world. There are so many things I still need to do in order to follow my dreams and I'm scared that I don't have the ability to get myself to that point. I've been put down so much in my life, and hurt by so many that my self confidence is at a negative.

In regards to the dumb ass thing I did tonight, it needs to never happen again. I feel absolutely horrible because it's a disappointment to me and those that matter. I don't know why I did it and refuse to give excuses for my poor behavior.

I feel as though I'm losing myself again in this deep dark place called depression and there is nothing that scares me so much as this. I don't have the energy to pick myself back up if I happen to fall into the pit of self pity and overwhelming sadness.

I just wish I had my family and friends back like the olden days when things were easy and everyone was innocent without drama and concern about the problems of every day life. Hopefully things will turn around and get better.

My idea of a good psychiatrist is...

...a bartender who pours without a spout



(Disclaimer: Well writing this kind of helped. I think. If anyone happens to read this, please don't freak out and think it's all over. I know God only dishes out things he knows we can handle, so God must think I'm a badass, which in all honesty, I am. So here goes...)

And lastly, if anyone has a problem with anything that I said, please grow a pair and take it up with me like an adult instead of running your mouth to other people. I own everything I say and do, and don't try and hide it. So please please please, let ME know if you have issues. Thank you.