Photography Day Sixteen... ABC's.

Today is brought to by the letter L. Okay, for real, today's challenge is supposed to be of letters (not mail). I though long and hard about this because I guess I just don't have the artistic photographic gene in my DNA and I'm apparently not that great at coming up with awe-inspiring things. But hey, I'm doing my best and having fun with it. So for today I chose pictures of some of my tattoos. They have letters that symbolize relatives who have either passed or as a general I-love-you-so-I-permanently-embedded-my-body-with-a-foreign-substance.

First off, I'm not racist. This has nothing to do with the lighting bolts that the German officers had. These two S's represent both of my parents last names and some other family members. Still, Selvage, and Serritslev.

My very first tattoo. I got it in honor of my Uncle Larry (RIP). It still isn't yet finished but it serves it's purpose for now.

...If you don't control your temper, your temper will control you...

Reflection...

So it's been a while since I've actually posted something other than those "picture challenge" things. And there's a reason for that. I don't like feeling vulnerable. I hate it. I don't like having my guard down, letting people in and seeing the real me, and giving people the opportunity to take advantage of me. So with that said, things have been interesting lately. I feel as though nothing is going right. Of course there's the money troubles which still hasn't gone away, and then there's the issue of my new living situation, and worst of all is my thoughts that keep me trapped inside my own head day in and day out. I'm trying to take a page out of Camilla's book, (click on her name and it will take you to her blog in case you've never read it. In which you should.), and have decided to try and think positively. She makes a very valid point. If you think in the negative then you will feel in the negative and everything around you will be negative. It's funny how your thoughts and emotions control the outcome of your life.  It's been difficult lately to not think that I'm regressing instead of progressing. I've been told by multiple people that I'm definitely moving forward, but it's hard for me to see it that way. I guess it's just been a really morbid and depressing week, what with going to different cemeteries and visiting most of my dead relatives (7 of them to be exact). That will take a toll on your mind and soul. Plus driving the 10hr round trip to go to one of the cemeteries then coming home to once again become stuck inside of my own head. I'm making it my mission to not only think positively, but act positively. We'll see how this goes. Maybe I need to start blogging on a regular basis again instead of only doing those picture challenges. Which, by the way, I totally enjoy and a new one is about to start up tonight or tomorrow. I hope everyone has a great week and a very Happy Easter!

Eddie, Uncle Larry, Aunt Buddy...

God is cruel...

...sometimes he makes us live.

Day Four... (Sad Song)

My Boys, Montgomery and Gentry. Montgomery wrote this song about his dad and his son...

Clouds

The song that makes me the saddest is "Clouds" by Montgomery Gentry. It makes me sad in a surreal way. Every word of the song pulls at my heart strings so hard I'm scared they're going to break. The song is about loved ones looking down on you from heaven. All in all it's a wonderful song. But if you listen to it you need to have a box of tissues right next to you.

"I hate sunny days nothing but empty blue skies...

...so I pray Ohh how I pray for clouds."

Montgomery Gentry

Day Thirty... (Missing You)

3/18/11

I miss my Uncle Larry. Todays picture was supposed to be of someone that I miss. And I miss him. I feel as though my time was cut short. There are a lot of feelings surrounding the death of my Uncle Larry that I'm still not ready to talk about even though it's been quite some time now. Maybe some day I'll be able to open up to someone and let it all out. But today is not that day. Love you Uncle Larry. Miss you.

"Parting is all we know of heaven...

...and all we need to know of hell."

Emily Dickinson

One Wish...

I used to watch home videos all the time. It was one of my favorite things to do. Especially when I wasn't going to be seeing my family until the next holiday.

I haven't watched a home video since Aunt Buddy died. I found it up in a cabinet I was cleaning and decided to pop it into the VCR just to see exactly what it was. It's starts with the year of 1990.

My family was big on taking pictures and filming random moments and especially holidays. As I'm sitting here I can't stop crying. I'm not really a cryer, so this isn't normal behavior for me nor do I know how to deal with it well.

I know I've brought this up and mentioned it before without going in to great detail, but I miss my family so much. The dead and the living. Two days ago (March 3rd), marked the 17th anniversary of my Grandma's passing. The first one in my family (for my generation) to leave us. So my emotions may be running a little high right now or I'm simply finally giving into the pain I've been feeling for so long now. I wish things would go back to how they were. When everyone was happy and together and all you felt was love and compassion; like a real family ought to. I guess that's just too much to ask for now with all that has happened.

My birthday is coming up. 8 days and counting. I'll be 24. 17yrs ago my world was flipped upside down when my Grandma died. About another 10yrs later my Uncle was taken away from this place by a drug overdose (if that's not bad enough his body was discovered in a ditch up on Hicks Rd.) In 2004 my Uncle Larry passed. He was my best friend; but that's a story for another day. In 2005 one of my dear friends took his own life by hanging himself. He was only 19. In 2009 my Aunt Buddy died through no fault of her own. Within my (almost) 24yrs on this earth I have seen these people (plus a few more) come in and out of my life. The pain is unbearable.

On March 13th I will be 24yrs old. My one wish I'm going to make when I blow out those candles is I hope one day I will again feel that love and compassion once more and hopefully remember what being a family is all about.

It's never something you get over...

...It's just something you learn to live with.

Betrayal is the only truth that sticks...



My bulletin board of pics throughout the years

 I am addicted to pictures. I am addicted to taking them, posting them, and looking at them. I love having pictures of my family from every special event and even random moments when someone just happened to have a camera.



Jason, Kristen, and Me

 I also hate pictures. I hate looking at the happy moments I had with my family. I hate having to be reminded that everyone was happy once upon a time. I hate seeing all the smiling faces of the loved ones who have long since passed.

I hate having my heart break into a million little pieces because I no longer have family to talk to. I miss them more than they know and more than I'm willing to ever admit.

I was going to post something about this a while ago, but I knew that I shouldn't until my anger subsided to the point of where I could at least control it. A lot of things happened between certain family members and the consequences have been detrimental. I don't miss certain people and I for sure as hell don't miss the people we've all become. But I do miss certain people and the way they used to be.



Me and Dad

 Every night I spend a few hours scanning pictures into my computer so I can upload them onto various picture sites and then save them on my flash drive. Every night I hold back the tears of anger, hurt, pain, and solitude that I feel when I look at all the happy faces. Every night I think of how it used to be and how much I wish it could be again. Every night I pray that I'll wake up the next morning and it will have all been a horrible nightmare.


Every morning I wake up...

...and realize that the nightmare is just beginning.

Few of my Favorite Pictures:

Grandma's backyard...

Me and Ashley at Aunt Connie's...

Me and Jason Christmas '05

Me and Jason in Santa Cruz...

Me and Jason out in the Midwest

Our Tents and Transportation

Proud Great Uncle and Great Auntie holding Jason

Jason building forts...

Day Five... (Favorite Memory)

This is one of my favorite memories. Every summer the whole family would get together down south at my Aunt Connie's house and have a huge famly reunion. I have never had a better time in my entire life. It's when all of my famly was still alive, there was no family drama or disloyalty, we were young and having the time of our lives. These are memories that can never be taken away from me, regardless of how fucked up certain people turned out to be. That's me in the pink innertube, Jason floating by himself, and I'm pretty sure Uncle Larry (might be Uncle Lee) about to land on his back in the pool. Ow. I miss him so much. But that's just what makes this an  even better memory.

I wouldn't be able to recognize the good times...

...if I had never had to deal with the bad.