Smile...

So I'm still here. It seems as though I've dropped off the face of the earth, and honestly that's what it's felt like recently. I've been meaning to blog more but I guess that backfired on me completely and I haven't blogged at all. I know I said I was going to remedy this, but I haven't had to the want or drive to do so lately. Today I woke up with a smile. Turned out to be one of the best days I've had in years. And it wasn't as if anything special happened. I didn't win big money, get a great start to my career, graduate college, or figure out the meaning of life. Today I spent time with old friends. A friend from high school, a friend from my crazy years, and a friend from my childhood. It feels good to get out sometimes and be with those who you haven't seen in a long time that make you smile, laugh, and ask yourself why the hell you've been living in a cave for so long. Today was amazing because I got to laugh, relive great memories, feel love and friendship and compassion and most importantly feel good about myself and my life. I don't know if I'll start blogging on a more constant basis, and I don't want to make that promise, but I wanted to blog about this day because I want to be able to look back on a day that isn't going so great and read this and remember that there are good days out there to be had. All it takes is a smile.


If you can't laugh...

...the days are just too long

Day Seven... (Rememberance of Certain Event)

Son's Gonna Rise

I don't really have a certain event such as graduation, a funeral, a wedding, a party, or anything substantial like that that a certain song reminds me of. The one event that sticks out most in my life that a song has any representation of would be "Son's Gonna Rise" by Citizen Cope. The first time I heard this song, it was by accident. I didn't know that it was on my mp3 player. To this day I still don't know how the song got on there, but when I heard the song, driving in my car at 1am, all of a sudden everything seemed to make sense. It was the biggest moment of clarity and serenity I had ever had. Plus, it turns out, it's just a great damn song. And it was on my favorite show, One Tree Hill.

"You can't stop it God...

...the wheels in my hand as I stand on the floor of the board of this car on the road."

Citizen Cope

Day Six... (Rememberance Song of Somewhere)

This may sound ridiculous but the one song that reminds me of somewhere would have to be "Escape" by Rupert Holmes (people know this as the pina colada song). Every time I'd go down south (Carmel and Capitola) with my mom and usually my cousin Kristen we'd listen to Pina Coladas on repeat and sing our heads off. Good times.

Escape

"Do you like pina coladas...

...and getting caught in the rain"

Rupert Holmes

Day Five... (Rememberance Song of Someone)

I have two rememberance songs. One for remembering the deaths of loved ones and the other for remembering the loss of people whom I used to love.

The first song I listen to whenever someone dies. I don't know why I listen to it, it makes me sad and depressed, but it also makes me feel better in a way, and calms me down. This song is "13 Angels" by Corrosion of Conformity.

13 Angels

One lifetime gone and now your soul is dead...

...the angels just shake their heads.

Corrosion of Conformity

The second song reminds me that in the end everything will work out and shit happens for a reason. This song is "Getting Better All the Time" by Brooks and Dunn.

My men. I cried during their entire farewell concert...

It's getting better all the time

"I think I'm gonna make it 'cause God won't make a mountain I can't climb...

...it's getting better all the time."

Brooks and Dunn

Day Twenty-Nine... (Smile)

3/17/11 Driving through Los Gatos with Glowsticks

This picture makes me smile because, honestly, who doesn't love glowsticks? This was taken after my cousin's 18th birthday party and I decided to go driving through downtown Los Gatos at 11pm. We had glowstick bracelets, necklaces, anklets, hats, balls, and an earring that I made. A totally great night. One that I'll never forget.

"Life is something that everyone...

...should try at least once."

Henry J. Tillman

Day Twenty-Seven... (Family Member)

Todays picture is supposed to be of myself and a family member. That's easy...     (3/15/11)

Janelle, Tanya, Josh, Aunt Connie, Uncle Gaylon, Grandma, Mom, Jason, Me, Brandi

Ashley and Me

Me and Aunt Buddy

Me and Dad

Grandma, Bobo (the dog from hell), and Me

Me and Great Grandma

Jason and Me

Me and Uncle Lee

A family is a patchwork of personalities...

...tied together with heart strings.

Betrayal is the only truth that sticks...



My bulletin board of pics throughout the years

 I am addicted to pictures. I am addicted to taking them, posting them, and looking at them. I love having pictures of my family from every special event and even random moments when someone just happened to have a camera.



Jason, Kristen, and Me

 I also hate pictures. I hate looking at the happy moments I had with my family. I hate having to be reminded that everyone was happy once upon a time. I hate seeing all the smiling faces of the loved ones who have long since passed.

I hate having my heart break into a million little pieces because I no longer have family to talk to. I miss them more than they know and more than I'm willing to ever admit.

I was going to post something about this a while ago, but I knew that I shouldn't until my anger subsided to the point of where I could at least control it. A lot of things happened between certain family members and the consequences have been detrimental. I don't miss certain people and I for sure as hell don't miss the people we've all become. But I do miss certain people and the way they used to be.



Me and Dad

 Every night I spend a few hours scanning pictures into my computer so I can upload them onto various picture sites and then save them on my flash drive. Every night I hold back the tears of anger, hurt, pain, and solitude that I feel when I look at all the happy faces. Every night I think of how it used to be and how much I wish it could be again. Every night I pray that I'll wake up the next morning and it will have all been a horrible nightmare.


Every morning I wake up...

...and realize that the nightmare is just beginning.

Few of my Favorite Pictures:

Grandma's backyard...

Me and Ashley at Aunt Connie's...

Me and Jason Christmas '05

Me and Jason in Santa Cruz...

Me and Jason out in the Midwest

Our Tents and Transportation

Proud Great Uncle and Great Auntie holding Jason

Jason building forts...