Numb...

I feel numb. Literally, figuratively, all "ly's". Today has been a day of ups and downs starting with my pouring an entire cup of coffee down my stomach then trying to carry ten things at once and dropping my house keys before getting the door open. Things got better for a little while, I mean, it is my day off so there has to be some good to come of today, but then they went back to shit. I don't really feel like going into all of it right now because I am still a little too pissed off and I need to calm down before expressing my feelings through the written word, but yeah... Back to the numbness. In order to try and calm myself down and collect my thoughts I decided to go on a drive. I've explained in the past how driving helps me clear my head and ultimately make me forget the bull shit and relax. Tonight I went on a drive. In 57 degree weather with all the windows rolled down driving on the freeway in a tank top and shorts. As crazy as that all sounds, it definitely helped clear my mind. But also made me completely numb. I'm going to keep this post short and sweet because as I thaw out I'm starting to feel my anger build back up and I don't need that to happen again. There are so many things on my mind I haven't had time to sort through it all. I'm going to lose it pretty soon. With that said, I will definitely be posting some more rants and raves on here in the near future. (I know I said that a while ago, but I got busy with work. Yes, I actually have a real job. Crazy madness.) To those of you who still actually read this thing, thanks for being there for me through all my insanity and I hope y'all have a fabulous night!


Sometimes you are falling so slowly...

...you don't notice until you hit the ground.

Congrats to the Grads...

It's scary how fast time seems to fly by the older you get. The last two weeks was spent going to graduation parties for my youngest cousins. It freaks me out that the youngest people in my family, two people whom I remember being born have now graduated high school. It's like a big smack in the face and a huge reality check to me that I'm not getting any younger. It brings about those "meaning of life" type questions for me and the "what the hell am I doing with my life" discussions I tend to have with myself in the wee hours of the morning. I'm so proud of my cousin Jessica for graduating and deciding to attend Fresno State and pursue her nursing dream. And I'm proud of my cousin Josh for graduating from Leigh (my nightmare of a high school) and attending the same lovely college as me. I love how completely different my two worlds are when it comes to different groups of family. Jessicas party was all about her friends and making sure the alcohol kept flowing while Joshs party was about family, food, and good times. I loved both parties equally in most respects, but I will admit that Joshs party won because of glowsticks. I LOVE glowsticks. I think all parties should at one point have a huge glowstick free for all for all the adults. Even though I'm not exactly where I'd like to be in my life at this point, I'm glad to know that I still have family and friends all around me that can continuously put a huge shit-eatin' grin on my face.

Yes, I'm wearing glowstick earrings, glasses, bracelets, necklaces, headband, and a wand.
You know you're jealous. hahaha.

Yay Josh!

The Grad Boy...

Janelle's adorable creations...
...and delicious.

Jessica cradling her baby, Jose.

The Grad Girl.

Bro v. Sis Beer Pong...
...it's on bitches.

Time passes by...

...people move on.

...If you don't control your temper, your temper will control you...

Reflection...

So it's been a while since I've actually posted something other than those "picture challenge" things. And there's a reason for that. I don't like feeling vulnerable. I hate it. I don't like having my guard down, letting people in and seeing the real me, and giving people the opportunity to take advantage of me. So with that said, things have been interesting lately. I feel as though nothing is going right. Of course there's the money troubles which still hasn't gone away, and then there's the issue of my new living situation, and worst of all is my thoughts that keep me trapped inside my own head day in and day out. I'm trying to take a page out of Camilla's book, (click on her name and it will take you to her blog in case you've never read it. In which you should.), and have decided to try and think positively. She makes a very valid point. If you think in the negative then you will feel in the negative and everything around you will be negative. It's funny how your thoughts and emotions control the outcome of your life.  It's been difficult lately to not think that I'm regressing instead of progressing. I've been told by multiple people that I'm definitely moving forward, but it's hard for me to see it that way. I guess it's just been a really morbid and depressing week, what with going to different cemeteries and visiting most of my dead relatives (7 of them to be exact). That will take a toll on your mind and soul. Plus driving the 10hr round trip to go to one of the cemeteries then coming home to once again become stuck inside of my own head. I'm making it my mission to not only think positively, but act positively. We'll see how this goes. Maybe I need to start blogging on a regular basis again instead of only doing those picture challenges. Which, by the way, I totally enjoy and a new one is about to start up tonight or tomorrow. I hope everyone has a great week and a very Happy Easter!

Eddie, Uncle Larry, Aunt Buddy...

God is cruel...

...sometimes he makes us live.

Day Seventeen... (Impact)

My Room

Even though my house has ended up looking like a shit hole (thanks to a few certain someone's), it has been my home since I was 17. I have created so many memories in my little house, good and bad, and having to leave it has been weighing heavy on my heart. I know it's going to be for the better, and my parents will finally be able to fix it up, rent it out, and make some money, but it's sad. No one (other than family) knows where I'm moving to, and I'm going to keep it that way for as long as I can. I'm going to try and start anew. I want to make new memories that are better and create healthy long-lasting relationships with people that I can actually trust, and I think moving out will help me do this. This is a huge thing that is happening and it definitely is impacting my life at the moment. I just hope for the best and am trying to move on without looking back.

Moving on is a simple thing...

...what it leaves behind is hard.

One Wish...

I used to watch home videos all the time. It was one of my favorite things to do. Especially when I wasn't going to be seeing my family until the next holiday.

I haven't watched a home video since Aunt Buddy died. I found it up in a cabinet I was cleaning and decided to pop it into the VCR just to see exactly what it was. It's starts with the year of 1990.

My family was big on taking pictures and filming random moments and especially holidays. As I'm sitting here I can't stop crying. I'm not really a cryer, so this isn't normal behavior for me nor do I know how to deal with it well.

I know I've brought this up and mentioned it before without going in to great detail, but I miss my family so much. The dead and the living. Two days ago (March 3rd), marked the 17th anniversary of my Grandma's passing. The first one in my family (for my generation) to leave us. So my emotions may be running a little high right now or I'm simply finally giving into the pain I've been feeling for so long now. I wish things would go back to how they were. When everyone was happy and together and all you felt was love and compassion; like a real family ought to. I guess that's just too much to ask for now with all that has happened.

My birthday is coming up. 8 days and counting. I'll be 24. 17yrs ago my world was flipped upside down when my Grandma died. About another 10yrs later my Uncle was taken away from this place by a drug overdose (if that's not bad enough his body was discovered in a ditch up on Hicks Rd.) In 2004 my Uncle Larry passed. He was my best friend; but that's a story for another day. In 2005 one of my dear friends took his own life by hanging himself. He was only 19. In 2009 my Aunt Buddy died through no fault of her own. Within my (almost) 24yrs on this earth I have seen these people (plus a few more) come in and out of my life. The pain is unbearable.

On March 13th I will be 24yrs old. My one wish I'm going to make when I blow out those candles is I hope one day I will again feel that love and compassion once more and hopefully remember what being a family is all about.

It's never something you get over...

...It's just something you learn to live with.

February is merely as long as is needed to pass the time until March...

 

 

Alright, well the time has come to post the events of the past month. Don't want to forget those things that happened that continue to help me grow and make me who I am. Plus all the good music I find myself listening to these days...

 

Playlist of February 2011

 

• Be Yourself - By Audioslave
• Fray - By Staind
• Cold One Comin On' - By Montgomery Gentry
• Cumbersome - By Collective Soul
• Quicksand - By Bethany Joy Galeotti
• Moving On - By Rascal Flatts
• In the Ayer - By Flo Rida f. Will I Am
• Son's Gonna Rise - By Citizen Cope

 

Shows of February 2011

 

• Gilmore Girls
• E.R.
• One Tree Hill
• The Cosby Show
• Weeds

 

Movies of February 2011

 

• Red
• The Losers
• Killers
• Date Night
• The Expendables
• Conspiracy Theory
• Fatherhood
• Demolition Man

 

Accomplishments of February 2011

 

• Joined http://www.goodreads.com/ and joined a few book clubs on there...
• Set a goal of reading at least 2 books a month...
• Getting good grades so far...
• Keeping up with daily tasks...
• Still continuing my move...
• Moved on and passed things and people...
• Obtained better control of my temper...
   

 

Grievances of February 2011

• Family issues (still)
• Broken heart
• Drama that doesn't concern me
• Dealing with past deaths
• Still haven't finished moving

 

Birthdays of February 2011

• Camilla
• Max
• Josh C.

 

Goals/Plans for March 2011

 

• Celebrate my own birthday (24)
• Remember the loss of a loved one loved ones
• Continue getting good grades
• Read whenever I can
• Keep working so I can fix my car by summer
• Don't sweat the small stuff

 

Photo Memories from February 2011

The card I made for Max when I was bored at the store and was given Sharpies...

My "half" of the money that Max won in Vegas when I told him to bet on Black 13 for me...

After having washed my hand three times from helping my dad snake the drainage pipes...

Amazing Lava Flow...

My "house" with almost everything moved out; The infamous hole from where I threw Jonny at the wall; and
Chelsea's part of the wall where she wrote down all of her favorite sayings...

 



My Uncle Larry. May you Rest In Peace...



 

"Winter is natures way of saying...

 

..."up yours" " -Robert Byrne

Betrayal is the only truth that sticks...



My bulletin board of pics throughout the years

 I am addicted to pictures. I am addicted to taking them, posting them, and looking at them. I love having pictures of my family from every special event and even random moments when someone just happened to have a camera.



Jason, Kristen, and Me

 I also hate pictures. I hate looking at the happy moments I had with my family. I hate having to be reminded that everyone was happy once upon a time. I hate seeing all the smiling faces of the loved ones who have long since passed.

I hate having my heart break into a million little pieces because I no longer have family to talk to. I miss them more than they know and more than I'm willing to ever admit.

I was going to post something about this a while ago, but I knew that I shouldn't until my anger subsided to the point of where I could at least control it. A lot of things happened between certain family members and the consequences have been detrimental. I don't miss certain people and I for sure as hell don't miss the people we've all become. But I do miss certain people and the way they used to be.



Me and Dad

 Every night I spend a few hours scanning pictures into my computer so I can upload them onto various picture sites and then save them on my flash drive. Every night I hold back the tears of anger, hurt, pain, and solitude that I feel when I look at all the happy faces. Every night I think of how it used to be and how much I wish it could be again. Every night I pray that I'll wake up the next morning and it will have all been a horrible nightmare.


Every morning I wake up...

...and realize that the nightmare is just beginning.

Few of my Favorite Pictures:

Grandma's backyard...

Me and Ashley at Aunt Connie's...

Me and Jason Christmas '05

Me and Jason in Santa Cruz...

Me and Jason out in the Midwest

Our Tents and Transportation

Proud Great Uncle and Great Auntie holding Jason

Jason building forts...

Day Ten... (Messed up)

I have gotten rid of all of my friends. It's sad sometimes, but in the end it was definitely the better choice. I used to do a lot of crazy and mostly illegal things. I basically lived the rock star life of sex, drugs, and rock n' roll. I have probably met every police officer in Santa Clara County, (I have NEVER been arrested nor do I have any sort of record expunged or otherwise), and with where I want to end up in life, the choices I was making just weren't working for me. The person I did the most messed up things with was Jonny. Hands down. Ever since he has left my life I no longer get into trouble of any kind, I no longer meet law enforcement officers for being in trouble, and everything I do is legal (except for maybe downloading music illegally every now and then). I miss the way my life used to be, I miss the parties and the excitement and never knowing what was going to happen from one minute to the next, but I for sure as hell am glad that I got away from all of that shit. No one thought that I could do it. No one wanted me to do it. I used to be a good person and I'm so glad that I found my true self again.

"Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do...

...but to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's the true strength."

-Unknown

The Silence is Broken...

(In case you can't read what it says):
 "A painter paints pictures on canvas. But musicians paint their pictures on silence."
-Leopold Stokowski

So I haven't exactly been having a very great week (or two or three to be honest), but here I am, 2am, listening to some newly downloaded music, and everything seems to be coming together as though nothing were ever wrong.

I sometimes forget the power that music has to remedy almost any situation. There is music for every mood, whether it be sad, angry, or just having some good ole frickin' fun, no matter what, in the end you always feel at least a little bit better.

My taste in music is as about as eclectic as I am as a person. Crazy, random, out there, and definitely diverse. I'm all about the country, but could not live without heavy metal.

However, I would like to thank Jacks Mannequin (The Mixed Tape) for improving my mood this wonderful morning at 2am. I think people should spend more time laying in the dark listening to their favorite music and just forgetting all the hardships and negativity that is controlling their lives, and get lost in the depths of the notes and sounds coming from the speakers. Maybe it's just me, I don't know.

Well, that's all I have for now. Until next time, when my brain has too many thoughts and I must get them out before imploding. Hope whomever decides to read this enjoys and hopefully you'll break the silence wherever you are and crank up that stereo and get lost in the music.

Music expresses that which cannot be said...

...and on which it is impossible to be silent

Not waiting around for the storm to pass...

I posted on here saying how this blog is to be used as a way of gaining strength. Being empowered to do anything, and try and shed some light on the things that seem most negative in life. I however am not a very positive, strong, empowered individual. Well, at least not all the time.

Life has taught me that it's not always going to be full of sunshine and rainbows. There will always be obstacles you must face whether you want to or not. For this is where i draw my strength from in knowing that whether or not I feel prepared to face something head on I have no choice but to go forth and do so. With that said, there are the days where I feel as though I am nothing. I have nothing, and I will never be able to have anything.

Today has started out as one of those days. A few years ago I started dating someone who I was completely and madly in love with. He was a drug addict/alcoholic. I supported him in every way I thought possible which included going to AA meetings with him on a daily basis. I myself am not really one for drinking so my attending these meetings was purely for moral support. Or at least that's what I thought.

I have met a lot of people in my life. The diversity is astonishing, not just in race and religion, but also in class (lower,middle, upper). At these meetings I met this man who had lost everything. His house, his friends, his family, his dauther, his hope, and his will to live. He turned to the bottle and the needle to try and fill that void we all sometimes feel. It of course didn't help. This man lives under a bridge in campbell with a few other people. They sleep next to each other for maximum warmth. He doesn't ask for money, ever, and when I tried to give him some he actually paid me back the next day from money he got from the recycling center. (I in turn spent the money on getting him coffee and some chips and a pack of smokes).

But the point is this man, who has no home, no family, lost all legal ability to see his daughter, made me understand the value of life. He told me "how would you know the good days if you didn't have the bad ones." That simple sentence coming from someone who once had given up hope on life and everything else changed the way of my thinking ever since.

So yeah, today has been an incredibly shitty day. Hell, this past year has been incredibly shitty. I may not always be strong, empowered, and have a cheery disposition. But I do know that having a bad day means eventually I'll have a good one and I'll actually know for a fact that it's good.
If anyone actually reads these things that I post, I want you to know it's okay to have a shitty day/week/month/year. Because eventually you'll have that one day that will be worth having had to put up with all those shitty ones to begin with. Negativity is a part of life. But without the negative there wouldn't be a positive.

So today I'm not waiting for the storm to pass...

...I'm learning how to dance in the rain

It's been a while...

 

If tears could build a stairway,
And memories a lane,
I'd walk right up to Heaven
And bring you home again.

Today marks the one year anniv. of the passing of the most wonderful woman. I don't have much to say that I haven't said already but I would like to give credit where credit is due. And on this day all the credit, love, and respect is due to this woman. Forever in our hearts, memories, and souls.

Things will never be the same but hopefully soon I will be able to smile when I think of you instead of cry. The pain is still there every day. Even though it's been a year it feels like not a day has gone by since you were taken away. I love you Aunt Buddy.

It's been a while...

...but not long enough

Happy Birthday



/

Happy Birthday
10/19/1944-10/26/2009



66yrs ago you were born. 65yrs and exactly one week later, you were 'taken away.'  I say 'taken away' because that's how it feels.
It feels like my heart has been taken away...
It feels like the meaning of life has been taken away...
It feels like you've been taken away...

I thank God everyday for the ability to remember...

...to remember you as not only an aunt, but as a person, a friend, and a loved one.
...to remmber holidays at your house, painting easter eggs, dancing around the christmas tree, eating thanksgiving food, and the infamous drunken New Years Special Olympics Hippity Hop Showdown
...but most of all the ability to remember your smile, your laugh, your smell, your kindness, your heart, and the love I feel everytime I think about you

Even though you were 'taken away', the 22 1/2 years I had with you can NEVER be 'taken away.'

Happy Birthday Aunt Buddy...

...and many more

Reason

The reason for why I decided to name my blog S(HE)  BE(LIE)VE(D) was because that's what brought me to where I am today. I didn't make this blog so I can cry about what I've lost and wish I could go back and do things differently. No. I made this blog so I can remember the good, the bad, and what made me who I am today.

I've lost many things and many people in my life. Mostly for the better. I did believe. He did lie. To clarify he was a drug addict/alcoholic/compulsive liar who not only slept with my neighbor, cousin, some random chick, but also my best friend of 14yrs. Some of you may know who she is. But it doesn't matter.

I believed in the good in people. I believed everyone deserved a second chance. I believed karma would bring you the joy and happiness you deserved if you were bringing joy and happiness to the world yourself. He lied and showed me there isn't good in people. He lied and showed me no matter how many chances I give he will never change. He lied and showed me that karma will bite you on the ass for the smallest infidelity no matter the amount of good.

I went through a lot in the three years I was with him and those people. I stopped believing. I stopped believing in the human race. I stopped believing in my friends. I stopped believing in my family. I stopped believing in myself.

In the end it became me who was lying. I lied to myself about who he really was. I lied to myself about how a best friend would never do that to me. I lied to myself that I didn't care. I lied to myself that I wasn't worth it.

I digress...

Today I no longer lie. I only believe. I believe that I am worth it. I believe that I can do whatever I set my mind to. I believe that I will finish school, finish the academy, and follow my dreams and become a police officer. I believe that I can help people. I believe that one day I will have faith and trust again. Most importantly I believe in myself and will never let that be taken away again.

This blog is about strength, passion, understanding, and the ability to move on and do things for yourself/myself, and not letting anyone bring you/me down. I believe in following my dreams, living my life to the fullest, and doing what I want to do.

He did lie...

...but I still believe.

Love You. Miss You. Need You.

Yesterday I received a text message from my cousin saying "It's been almost a year and not a day goes by that you don't cross my mind. Days have turned to weeks, weeks to months, months to years. For someone who thought she touched very few lives you have touched so many. I miss you so much. Love You. Miss You. Need You."
Getting a text like that from my 23yr old, 6'1", beer drinkin, gun totin, redneck of a cousin hit me in the heart like a sack of potatoes being shot out of a cannon.
In six days it will be my aunt's birthday. In exactly a week after that it will be the one year anniversary of her death. She was my aunt, his grandma, my mom's sister and best friend. She was someones mother, daughter, wife, grandmother, friend, aunt, everything a person can be to another person.
Many people have been lost in my family. Average 1/yr as sad as that may seem it's true. But I don't think any have had the same impact in such a huge way as this.

I've never done this blogging stuff before so it's all new to me, but I would like to dedicate this first post to the woman who meant the world to so many. The woman who took care of me when I was first born because my mom was too sick. The woman who became my aunt Buddy while everyone else called her aunt Darlene. The woman who made me egg salad because I am one of the pickiest eaters ever. The woman who made scrapbooks so we could all remember our lives and share the memories with other loved ones. 

The woman who will never be forgotten and will always remain in our hearts.

Love You. Miss You. Need You.

Darlene Huddleston 10/19/1944-10/26/2009








(I decided to post a link to this on facebook just to get it out there that I have a blog or what not. My cousin clicked the like button which I wasn't suprised about. But then he commented on the link. "Thank you." Those two words held so much meaning to me that even though this is my post, my blog, my words that I wrote, I started crying immediately. So thank you family, friends, loved ones, and constant reader for giving me the opportunity to write about the legacy of a great woman. Until next time, Thank You.)