Photography Day Twenty-One... Stranger Danger.

Um. Today is supposed to be a picture of someone I don't know. I know there is a way to do this artistically and make it look all pretty and shit, but to me it's just creepy and I don't want to look as though I'm stalking someone taking a random photo. So I'm going to go the relative route. When you think about it, how well do you really know someone? You don't. So with that said I decided to take a picture of someone I do "know" but yet is still a mystery all the same...

Jonny passed out. Fucking stoner...

Using a picture of Jonny was the more than obvious way to go for me. We were together for over 2yrs, I've known him since I was 16, and yet there has never been someone to surprise me as much as he has. And not in a good way. Like I said, how well do you really ever know someone?

Guess we're not kids anymore... (Dear Jason)

Throughout our entire childhood we were best friends. Inseperable. Joined at the hip. You had my back ("Carolyn's a good girl") and I in turn always had yours. You taught me everything I know about life, guns, hockey, fishing, camping, all outdoor things. Hell, at one point you helped teach me how to ride a bike. I spent every waking minute possible hanging out with you. You were my world. My best friend. My partner in crime. My cousin.

Somewhere along the way everything changed. That was the day my soul broke. My heart shattered. And I forgot what life is supposed to be.

Now I don't blame you, I dont blame myself, I don't blame anyone. People grow up and grow apart. I just never thought that day would come. I know that I've talked to you about this before and you're trying and so am I, but it doesn't make the pain go away.

I wish I still had that best friend who always had my back. That best friend who I could call and talk to about anything. That shoulder to cry on when no one else would understand. I feel alone in the world with no one/where to turn to. I don't know how to fix the way that I feel and I can't go back and change anything that I've done. I can only stop myself from doing anymore damage in the future. I just don't think I can do it alone anymore.

I lost my best friend of 14yrs to dishonesty, back stabbing, and adultery with my bf. After that I lost all faith in people. I stopped trusting, believing, and caring for that matter. I don't want to be that person anymore. But I don't know how to move on.

I go through photo albums quite often and look at all the pictures of the family through the years. In the early years we were always together. So happy. Full of love and kindness and understanding. I miss those days. I will never forget those days. I know we can't go backwards, but if continuing on without you is my only option I don't think I'm strong enough.

I want you back in my life as more than just my cousin I see every now and then. Don't get me wrong I know that you're busy a lot and have your own life and so do I. But I want my best friend back. I want to be able to call you when I've had a bad day and have someone understand and be able to talk me off the ledge. I want you to be able to confide in me because more than anything I want to be there for you too when you're in need of a good venting. I just want it all back.

Well this turned into more of a letter than I was going for. Guess once I started I couldn't stop myself from letting it all out. It has taken me years to get this all out so it's been a long time coming. Just know that I love you. And I miss you. And a lot of times I need you.

We lived our lives together...in the beginning
We were there for each other... in the beginning
We shared our thoughts, feelings, and love with each other... in the beginning

But I guess we're no longer....

...in the beginning


(Love, Carolyn)

Reason

The reason for why I decided to name my blog S(HE)  BE(LIE)VE(D) was because that's what brought me to where I am today. I didn't make this blog so I can cry about what I've lost and wish I could go back and do things differently. No. I made this blog so I can remember the good, the bad, and what made me who I am today.

I've lost many things and many people in my life. Mostly for the better. I did believe. He did lie. To clarify he was a drug addict/alcoholic/compulsive liar who not only slept with my neighbor, cousin, some random chick, but also my best friend of 14yrs. Some of you may know who she is. But it doesn't matter.

I believed in the good in people. I believed everyone deserved a second chance. I believed karma would bring you the joy and happiness you deserved if you were bringing joy and happiness to the world yourself. He lied and showed me there isn't good in people. He lied and showed me no matter how many chances I give he will never change. He lied and showed me that karma will bite you on the ass for the smallest infidelity no matter the amount of good.

I went through a lot in the three years I was with him and those people. I stopped believing. I stopped believing in the human race. I stopped believing in my friends. I stopped believing in my family. I stopped believing in myself.

In the end it became me who was lying. I lied to myself about who he really was. I lied to myself about how a best friend would never do that to me. I lied to myself that I didn't care. I lied to myself that I wasn't worth it.

I digress...

Today I no longer lie. I only believe. I believe that I am worth it. I believe that I can do whatever I set my mind to. I believe that I will finish school, finish the academy, and follow my dreams and become a police officer. I believe that I can help people. I believe that one day I will have faith and trust again. Most importantly I believe in myself and will never let that be taken away again.

This blog is about strength, passion, understanding, and the ability to move on and do things for yourself/myself, and not letting anyone bring you/me down. I believe in following my dreams, living my life to the fullest, and doing what I want to do.

He did lie...

...but I still believe.