Photography Day Three... You have my heart...

So many times I have used my mom for the person whom I love, most admire, love hanging out with, closest friend, so on and so forth. Well, for this day, I'm going to use my mom again. I think that mother's, especially mine, are the most important people you can ever have in your life. They raise you, teach you, love you, care for you, and are always there for you no matter what. I love my mom more than anything in this entire world and devote todays photography challenge to her. Love the hell out of you Mommy.

Day Twenty-Nine... (Childhood)

Hands down "Beat it" by Michael Jackson is the song that reminds me most of my childhood. Jason and I would play this song and "dance" to it by putting on knee length socks, running full speed through the kitchen, jump down the stairs, and slide on the family room carpet landing in a pile of pillows. These are memories that I will always treasure and never forget.

Beat it

Day Twenty-Seven... (Family Member)

Todays picture is supposed to be of myself and a family member. That's easy...     (3/15/11)

Janelle, Tanya, Josh, Aunt Connie, Uncle Gaylon, Grandma, Mom, Jason, Me, Brandi

Ashley and Me

Me and Aunt Buddy

Me and Dad

Grandma, Bobo (the dog from hell), and Me

Me and Great Grandma

Jason and Me

Me and Uncle Lee

A family is a patchwork of personalities...

...tied together with heart strings.

One Wish...

I used to watch home videos all the time. It was one of my favorite things to do. Especially when I wasn't going to be seeing my family until the next holiday.

I haven't watched a home video since Aunt Buddy died. I found it up in a cabinet I was cleaning and decided to pop it into the VCR just to see exactly what it was. It's starts with the year of 1990.

My family was big on taking pictures and filming random moments and especially holidays. As I'm sitting here I can't stop crying. I'm not really a cryer, so this isn't normal behavior for me nor do I know how to deal with it well.

I know I've brought this up and mentioned it before without going in to great detail, but I miss my family so much. The dead and the living. Two days ago (March 3rd), marked the 17th anniversary of my Grandma's passing. The first one in my family (for my generation) to leave us. So my emotions may be running a little high right now or I'm simply finally giving into the pain I've been feeling for so long now. I wish things would go back to how they were. When everyone was happy and together and all you felt was love and compassion; like a real family ought to. I guess that's just too much to ask for now with all that has happened.

My birthday is coming up. 8 days and counting. I'll be 24. 17yrs ago my world was flipped upside down when my Grandma died. About another 10yrs later my Uncle was taken away from this place by a drug overdose (if that's not bad enough his body was discovered in a ditch up on Hicks Rd.) In 2004 my Uncle Larry passed. He was my best friend; but that's a story for another day. In 2005 one of my dear friends took his own life by hanging himself. He was only 19. In 2009 my Aunt Buddy died through no fault of her own. Within my (almost) 24yrs on this earth I have seen these people (plus a few more) come in and out of my life. The pain is unbearable.

On March 13th I will be 24yrs old. My one wish I'm going to make when I blow out those candles is I hope one day I will again feel that love and compassion once more and hopefully remember what being a family is all about.

It's never something you get over...

...It's just something you learn to live with.

Betrayal is the only truth that sticks...



My bulletin board of pics throughout the years

 I am addicted to pictures. I am addicted to taking them, posting them, and looking at them. I love having pictures of my family from every special event and even random moments when someone just happened to have a camera.



Jason, Kristen, and Me

 I also hate pictures. I hate looking at the happy moments I had with my family. I hate having to be reminded that everyone was happy once upon a time. I hate seeing all the smiling faces of the loved ones who have long since passed.

I hate having my heart break into a million little pieces because I no longer have family to talk to. I miss them more than they know and more than I'm willing to ever admit.

I was going to post something about this a while ago, but I knew that I shouldn't until my anger subsided to the point of where I could at least control it. A lot of things happened between certain family members and the consequences have been detrimental. I don't miss certain people and I for sure as hell don't miss the people we've all become. But I do miss certain people and the way they used to be.



Me and Dad

 Every night I spend a few hours scanning pictures into my computer so I can upload them onto various picture sites and then save them on my flash drive. Every night I hold back the tears of anger, hurt, pain, and solitude that I feel when I look at all the happy faces. Every night I think of how it used to be and how much I wish it could be again. Every night I pray that I'll wake up the next morning and it will have all been a horrible nightmare.


Every morning I wake up...

...and realize that the nightmare is just beginning.

Few of my Favorite Pictures:

Grandma's backyard...

Me and Ashley at Aunt Connie's...

Me and Jason Christmas '05

Me and Jason in Santa Cruz...

Me and Jason out in the Midwest

Our Tents and Transportation

Proud Great Uncle and Great Auntie holding Jason

Jason building forts...

Day Five... (Favorite Memory)

This is one of my favorite memories. Every summer the whole family would get together down south at my Aunt Connie's house and have a huge famly reunion. I have never had a better time in my entire life. It's when all of my famly was still alive, there was no family drama or disloyalty, we were young and having the time of our lives. These are memories that can never be taken away from me, regardless of how fucked up certain people turned out to be. That's me in the pink innertube, Jason floating by himself, and I'm pretty sure Uncle Larry (might be Uncle Lee) about to land on his back in the pool. Ow. I miss him so much. But that's just what makes this an  even better memory.

I wouldn't be able to recognize the good times...

...if I had never had to deal with the bad.

Day Two... (Closest)

This was the hardest day out of the 30 in my opinion. The assignment is to post a picture of the person you've been closest to the longest. The problem with that is the person I've been closest to the longest is either dead or dead to me. A lot has happened over the past few years. The death of a family member more often then one would believe, the loss of a best friend due to unforseen circumstances, and the betrayal of my closest family that can never be forgiven, and some relationships that have just faded away over the years. Other than my mom (and sometimes my dad) my good friend Nancy (from high school) would have to be the closest person to me. Her and I had some major ups and downs over the years, mainly because of me, but in the end she has always been there for me. For this I will always treasure our friendship.

My dad and I. Teaching me Giants are #1

Nancy using me as a pillow after playing Marvel V. Capcom for 10hrs straight.

Me, Ashley, Jason, Kristen

Me and Jason

Elliot, Me, and Jonny

Ashley and Me

So here's a look at some of the people that have come and gone (very few have stayed) closest to me in my life. I don't have any pictures of my beautiful mother with me on my computer, so that's the only reason she's being left out and I hope she will forgive me for that. Sorry Mom! Even though most have come and gone, I wouldn't trade those precious moments for anything. The good and/or the bad. All the moments in my life have made me who I am today. And I don't regret any of it.

So thank you for being a part of my life...

...even if only for a minute.

Guess we're not kids anymore... (Dear Jason)

Throughout our entire childhood we were best friends. Inseperable. Joined at the hip. You had my back ("Carolyn's a good girl") and I in turn always had yours. You taught me everything I know about life, guns, hockey, fishing, camping, all outdoor things. Hell, at one point you helped teach me how to ride a bike. I spent every waking minute possible hanging out with you. You were my world. My best friend. My partner in crime. My cousin.

Somewhere along the way everything changed. That was the day my soul broke. My heart shattered. And I forgot what life is supposed to be.

Now I don't blame you, I dont blame myself, I don't blame anyone. People grow up and grow apart. I just never thought that day would come. I know that I've talked to you about this before and you're trying and so am I, but it doesn't make the pain go away.

I wish I still had that best friend who always had my back. That best friend who I could call and talk to about anything. That shoulder to cry on when no one else would understand. I feel alone in the world with no one/where to turn to. I don't know how to fix the way that I feel and I can't go back and change anything that I've done. I can only stop myself from doing anymore damage in the future. I just don't think I can do it alone anymore.

I lost my best friend of 14yrs to dishonesty, back stabbing, and adultery with my bf. After that I lost all faith in people. I stopped trusting, believing, and caring for that matter. I don't want to be that person anymore. But I don't know how to move on.

I go through photo albums quite often and look at all the pictures of the family through the years. In the early years we were always together. So happy. Full of love and kindness and understanding. I miss those days. I will never forget those days. I know we can't go backwards, but if continuing on without you is my only option I don't think I'm strong enough.

I want you back in my life as more than just my cousin I see every now and then. Don't get me wrong I know that you're busy a lot and have your own life and so do I. But I want my best friend back. I want to be able to call you when I've had a bad day and have someone understand and be able to talk me off the ledge. I want you to be able to confide in me because more than anything I want to be there for you too when you're in need of a good venting. I just want it all back.

Well this turned into more of a letter than I was going for. Guess once I started I couldn't stop myself from letting it all out. It has taken me years to get this all out so it's been a long time coming. Just know that I love you. And I miss you. And a lot of times I need you.

We lived our lives together...in the beginning
We were there for each other... in the beginning
We shared our thoughts, feelings, and love with each other... in the beginning

But I guess we're no longer....

...in the beginning


(Love, Carolyn)