One Wish...

I used to watch home videos all the time. It was one of my favorite things to do. Especially when I wasn't going to be seeing my family until the next holiday.

I haven't watched a home video since Aunt Buddy died. I found it up in a cabinet I was cleaning and decided to pop it into the VCR just to see exactly what it was. It's starts with the year of 1990.

My family was big on taking pictures and filming random moments and especially holidays. As I'm sitting here I can't stop crying. I'm not really a cryer, so this isn't normal behavior for me nor do I know how to deal with it well.

I know I've brought this up and mentioned it before without going in to great detail, but I miss my family so much. The dead and the living. Two days ago (March 3rd), marked the 17th anniversary of my Grandma's passing. The first one in my family (for my generation) to leave us. So my emotions may be running a little high right now or I'm simply finally giving into the pain I've been feeling for so long now. I wish things would go back to how they were. When everyone was happy and together and all you felt was love and compassion; like a real family ought to. I guess that's just too much to ask for now with all that has happened.

My birthday is coming up. 8 days and counting. I'll be 24. 17yrs ago my world was flipped upside down when my Grandma died. About another 10yrs later my Uncle was taken away from this place by a drug overdose (if that's not bad enough his body was discovered in a ditch up on Hicks Rd.) In 2004 my Uncle Larry passed. He was my best friend; but that's a story for another day. In 2005 one of my dear friends took his own life by hanging himself. He was only 19. In 2009 my Aunt Buddy died through no fault of her own. Within my (almost) 24yrs on this earth I have seen these people (plus a few more) come in and out of my life. The pain is unbearable.

On March 13th I will be 24yrs old. My one wish I'm going to make when I blow out those candles is I hope one day I will again feel that love and compassion once more and hopefully remember what being a family is all about.

It's never something you get over...

...It's just something you learn to live with.

A bar room ain't no place to run and hide...

So some may have noticed that I changed my background and what not... There of course is a reason as with me there is always a reason. I'm full of 'em.

This blog thing started out as a way for me to vent my frustrations and heart aches about my break up with Jonny and the loss of my best friend... While I still use this as a way to vent my frustrations and heart aches this blog has now grown into so much more than that.

The title, SHE BELIEVED, has stayed the same because it still applies in every shape and form possible. It has now become much more universal and has meaning towards more than just that one person.

There have been recent events with family that have made me view my life and what exactly it is I find most important. I have been able to reflect on many things and rearrange my priorities. I have always thought of family as the people that I am related to by blood. I grew up with the thought that no matter what, your family would always be there through thick and thin. People who will love you for ever and always. Someone to fall back on when times get hard. Well how wrong I was.

A lot of things have happened in the past few months that have brought a lot of perspective to the reality I live in. I no longer believe that family only includes people that you are related to by blood. I believe now that family means people who are there for you no matter what, regardless of relation.

So once again a belief of mine has been shot to shit and I have been proven wrong. But that's okay. I now know who I care about and who cares about me. For better or worse.

I continue to believe in myself and the things that matter. And to the people who are no longer a part of my life, good riddance. I'm just glad that I was able to see the true/real you so early in my life. I live in the real world with real people who don't bull shit just because they're too scared to tell the truth and own up to their shit.

I must stop here because I feel my anger surfacing slowly but surely, and that is going to be saved for a different post with content that definitely will not be suited for anyone who is offended easily by foul language and mass amounts of negativity and verbal violence.

But anyways... I continue my journey through life, learning along the way, about the good and the bad... I continue to believe in things regardless of the negative aspects in my life that keep popping up at the most inopportune times... But that's life. And I've learned to accept that things that I cannot change (I've attended too many AA meetings).

So until next time...

I will continue to believe...

...until someone proves me wrong.