Photography Day Twenty... And these are a few of my favorite things.

I have a lot of things that I love and cherish and consider to be my favorite. But the things that I love and cherish that have the most meaning to me would be my salt and pepper shaker collection. They belonged to my Aunt Buddy (R.I.P.), so not are they only cute to look at, but they bring back wonderful memories of better days passed.

Photography Day Sixteen... ABC's.

Today is brought to by the letter L. Okay, for real, today's challenge is supposed to be of letters (not mail). I though long and hard about this because I guess I just don't have the artistic photographic gene in my DNA and I'm apparently not that great at coming up with awe-inspiring things. But hey, I'm doing my best and having fun with it. So for today I chose pictures of some of my tattoos. They have letters that symbolize relatives who have either passed or as a general I-love-you-so-I-permanently-embedded-my-body-with-a-foreign-substance.

First off, I'm not racist. This has nothing to do with the lighting bolts that the German officers had. These two S's represent both of my parents last names and some other family members. Still, Selvage, and Serritslev.

My very first tattoo. I got it in honor of my Uncle Larry (RIP). It still isn't yet finished but it serves it's purpose for now.

...If you don't control your temper, your temper will control you...

Reflection...

So it's been a while since I've actually posted something other than those "picture challenge" things. And there's a reason for that. I don't like feeling vulnerable. I hate it. I don't like having my guard down, letting people in and seeing the real me, and giving people the opportunity to take advantage of me. So with that said, things have been interesting lately. I feel as though nothing is going right. Of course there's the money troubles which still hasn't gone away, and then there's the issue of my new living situation, and worst of all is my thoughts that keep me trapped inside my own head day in and day out. I'm trying to take a page out of Camilla's book, (click on her name and it will take you to her blog in case you've never read it. In which you should.), and have decided to try and think positively. She makes a very valid point. If you think in the negative then you will feel in the negative and everything around you will be negative. It's funny how your thoughts and emotions control the outcome of your life.  It's been difficult lately to not think that I'm regressing instead of progressing. I've been told by multiple people that I'm definitely moving forward, but it's hard for me to see it that way. I guess it's just been a really morbid and depressing week, what with going to different cemeteries and visiting most of my dead relatives (7 of them to be exact). That will take a toll on your mind and soul. Plus driving the 10hr round trip to go to one of the cemeteries then coming home to once again become stuck inside of my own head. I'm making it my mission to not only think positively, but act positively. We'll see how this goes. Maybe I need to start blogging on a regular basis again instead of only doing those picture challenges. Which, by the way, I totally enjoy and a new one is about to start up tonight or tomorrow. I hope everyone has a great week and a very Happy Easter!

Eddie, Uncle Larry, Aunt Buddy...

God is cruel...

...sometimes he makes us live.

Day Four... (Sad Song)

My Boys, Montgomery and Gentry. Montgomery wrote this song about his dad and his son...

Clouds

The song that makes me the saddest is "Clouds" by Montgomery Gentry. It makes me sad in a surreal way. Every word of the song pulls at my heart strings so hard I'm scared they're going to break. The song is about loved ones looking down on you from heaven. All in all it's a wonderful song. But if you listen to it you need to have a box of tissues right next to you.

"I hate sunny days nothing but empty blue skies...

...so I pray Ohh how I pray for clouds."

Montgomery Gentry

Day Twenty-Seven... (Family Member)

Todays picture is supposed to be of myself and a family member. That's easy...     (3/15/11)

Janelle, Tanya, Josh, Aunt Connie, Uncle Gaylon, Grandma, Mom, Jason, Me, Brandi

Ashley and Me

Me and Aunt Buddy

Me and Dad

Grandma, Bobo (the dog from hell), and Me

Me and Great Grandma

Jason and Me

Me and Uncle Lee

A family is a patchwork of personalities...

...tied together with heart strings.

One Wish...

I used to watch home videos all the time. It was one of my favorite things to do. Especially when I wasn't going to be seeing my family until the next holiday.

I haven't watched a home video since Aunt Buddy died. I found it up in a cabinet I was cleaning and decided to pop it into the VCR just to see exactly what it was. It's starts with the year of 1990.

My family was big on taking pictures and filming random moments and especially holidays. As I'm sitting here I can't stop crying. I'm not really a cryer, so this isn't normal behavior for me nor do I know how to deal with it well.

I know I've brought this up and mentioned it before without going in to great detail, but I miss my family so much. The dead and the living. Two days ago (March 3rd), marked the 17th anniversary of my Grandma's passing. The first one in my family (for my generation) to leave us. So my emotions may be running a little high right now or I'm simply finally giving into the pain I've been feeling for so long now. I wish things would go back to how they were. When everyone was happy and together and all you felt was love and compassion; like a real family ought to. I guess that's just too much to ask for now with all that has happened.

My birthday is coming up. 8 days and counting. I'll be 24. 17yrs ago my world was flipped upside down when my Grandma died. About another 10yrs later my Uncle was taken away from this place by a drug overdose (if that's not bad enough his body was discovered in a ditch up on Hicks Rd.) In 2004 my Uncle Larry passed. He was my best friend; but that's a story for another day. In 2005 one of my dear friends took his own life by hanging himself. He was only 19. In 2009 my Aunt Buddy died through no fault of her own. Within my (almost) 24yrs on this earth I have seen these people (plus a few more) come in and out of my life. The pain is unbearable.

On March 13th I will be 24yrs old. My one wish I'm going to make when I blow out those candles is I hope one day I will again feel that love and compassion once more and hopefully remember what being a family is all about.

It's never something you get over...

...It's just something you learn to live with.

Betrayal is the only truth that sticks...



My bulletin board of pics throughout the years

 I am addicted to pictures. I am addicted to taking them, posting them, and looking at them. I love having pictures of my family from every special event and even random moments when someone just happened to have a camera.



Jason, Kristen, and Me

 I also hate pictures. I hate looking at the happy moments I had with my family. I hate having to be reminded that everyone was happy once upon a time. I hate seeing all the smiling faces of the loved ones who have long since passed.

I hate having my heart break into a million little pieces because I no longer have family to talk to. I miss them more than they know and more than I'm willing to ever admit.

I was going to post something about this a while ago, but I knew that I shouldn't until my anger subsided to the point of where I could at least control it. A lot of things happened between certain family members and the consequences have been detrimental. I don't miss certain people and I for sure as hell don't miss the people we've all become. But I do miss certain people and the way they used to be.



Me and Dad

 Every night I spend a few hours scanning pictures into my computer so I can upload them onto various picture sites and then save them on my flash drive. Every night I hold back the tears of anger, hurt, pain, and solitude that I feel when I look at all the happy faces. Every night I think of how it used to be and how much I wish it could be again. Every night I pray that I'll wake up the next morning and it will have all been a horrible nightmare.


Every morning I wake up...

...and realize that the nightmare is just beginning.

Few of my Favorite Pictures:

Grandma's backyard...

Me and Ashley at Aunt Connie's...

Me and Jason Christmas '05

Me and Jason in Santa Cruz...

Me and Jason out in the Midwest

Our Tents and Transportation

Proud Great Uncle and Great Auntie holding Jason

Jason building forts...

It's been a while...

 

If tears could build a stairway,
And memories a lane,
I'd walk right up to Heaven
And bring you home again.

Today marks the one year anniv. of the passing of the most wonderful woman. I don't have much to say that I haven't said already but I would like to give credit where credit is due. And on this day all the credit, love, and respect is due to this woman. Forever in our hearts, memories, and souls.

Things will never be the same but hopefully soon I will be able to smile when I think of you instead of cry. The pain is still there every day. Even though it's been a year it feels like not a day has gone by since you were taken away. I love you Aunt Buddy.

It's been a while...

...but not long enough

Happy Birthday



/

Happy Birthday
10/19/1944-10/26/2009



66yrs ago you were born. 65yrs and exactly one week later, you were 'taken away.'  I say 'taken away' because that's how it feels.
It feels like my heart has been taken away...
It feels like the meaning of life has been taken away...
It feels like you've been taken away...

I thank God everyday for the ability to remember...

...to remember you as not only an aunt, but as a person, a friend, and a loved one.
...to remmber holidays at your house, painting easter eggs, dancing around the christmas tree, eating thanksgiving food, and the infamous drunken New Years Special Olympics Hippity Hop Showdown
...but most of all the ability to remember your smile, your laugh, your smell, your kindness, your heart, and the love I feel everytime I think about you

Even though you were 'taken away', the 22 1/2 years I had with you can NEVER be 'taken away.'

Happy Birthday Aunt Buddy...

...and many more

Love You. Miss You. Need You.

Yesterday I received a text message from my cousin saying "It's been almost a year and not a day goes by that you don't cross my mind. Days have turned to weeks, weeks to months, months to years. For someone who thought she touched very few lives you have touched so many. I miss you so much. Love You. Miss You. Need You."
Getting a text like that from my 23yr old, 6'1", beer drinkin, gun totin, redneck of a cousin hit me in the heart like a sack of potatoes being shot out of a cannon.
In six days it will be my aunt's birthday. In exactly a week after that it will be the one year anniversary of her death. She was my aunt, his grandma, my mom's sister and best friend. She was someones mother, daughter, wife, grandmother, friend, aunt, everything a person can be to another person.
Many people have been lost in my family. Average 1/yr as sad as that may seem it's true. But I don't think any have had the same impact in such a huge way as this.

I've never done this blogging stuff before so it's all new to me, but I would like to dedicate this first post to the woman who meant the world to so many. The woman who took care of me when I was first born because my mom was too sick. The woman who became my aunt Buddy while everyone else called her aunt Darlene. The woman who made me egg salad because I am one of the pickiest eaters ever. The woman who made scrapbooks so we could all remember our lives and share the memories with other loved ones. 

The woman who will never be forgotten and will always remain in our hearts.

Love You. Miss You. Need You.

Darlene Huddleston 10/19/1944-10/26/2009








(I decided to post a link to this on facebook just to get it out there that I have a blog or what not. My cousin clicked the like button which I wasn't suprised about. But then he commented on the link. "Thank you." Those two words held so much meaning to me that even though this is my post, my blog, my words that I wrote, I started crying immediately. So thank you family, friends, loved ones, and constant reader for giving me the opportunity to write about the legacy of a great woman. Until next time, Thank You.)